Visited a regular cocktail bar (I think I spent too much time in bars!) and had an interesting evening being AMOGed that I thought I would share. Yes, it's another "how I failed" FR, but let's be honest, they are the most interesting.

I grab my usual cocktail, and head out to the smoking area. There is a red jacket on seat near a few women, so pick up the jacket, and turn to the girl on my left (blonde, 7 face, 9 body, Pam) and ask if it is her. She seems... a little drunk. She shakes her head and says no. I turn to the girl on my right (black hair, 8), ask her and she responds no. I put the jacket to the side and ask the girl on my right if she has a light. She hands me a cheap bic lighter in a Stoli case, and I tease her about where she got it from, and accuse her of stealing it while putting it into my pocket.

We chat for a little while, turns out she is a Brazilian tourist visiting Scotland and friends for a few weeks. During our chat she realizes I have stolen her lighter, which I deny. We mock fight over it, and I eventually let her go into my jeans pocket to get it, telling not to cop a feel, which she does anyway. She heads in, saying she was hanging out with 2 friends, and I should join them. I tell her I might later.

During my conversation with the Brazilian, a tall, older blonde has sat on my left joining the other blonde. When she has sat, I asked if the red jacket belonged to her. She said it was, and I reply:

"That's a shame, I was going to steal it and sell it on eBay for a fiver"

She laughs and informs me it's worth more than a fiver, and shows me the label. I tell her the only thing I know about women clothes is how to take them off, she slaps my thigh and calls me cheeky.

When the Brazilian leaves, and reopen the two blondes, who have been joined by three other women, two blondes and brunette. I can tell that the brunette is a lesbian from her hair style, clothes and posture, and dating one of the blondes.

I find out the two original blondes are out celebrating Pam's birthday. When I ask how old she is, she replies that I should guess. Usually when they reply with that I ask to see their hands, but this time I just reply 45.

Everyone is clearly shocked, and Pam stands, turns her back to me and leans against a table that is in the center of the smoking area. One of the blondes from the other group comforts her, while the three other women give me into trouble for guess so bad. I tell them I am terrible at guessing peoples age. They tell me I should apologize and I agree that I probably should, and change the subject.

I find out the lesbian is from a city I stayed in for 7 years, so I move to sit next to them, which puts me next to where Pam was sitting and I chat to her and her lover. I find out that my read of her was correct, she is gay, and the blonde is her lover, and that they are out having a drink because she starts her chemo the following Monday. She is pretty good natured about it, and we tell terrible cancer jokes.

During this, I keep catching Pam looking round and staring at me. When I do, I stick my tongue out at her, she does the same and also gives me the middle finger.

I'm bantering with the lesbian about where I am from (Mars) what I do for living (wash ducks).

"I bet your single"

"It's complicated"

"Ha, I bet you are, but through choice"

"I meet this crazy 18 year old here the other night, told me a great line 'Single but never alone'"

"scottishredpill, you didn't take an 18 year old home did you?"

"Don't be nosy"

At this point Pam interrupts

"I'm 38 today"

"That's nice, happy birthday"

I turn to the lesbian and try to continue chatting.

"Why did you say 45?"

"Because that's the age I thought you were"

Her pal "scottishredpill, stop being mean!"

"I'm not being mean, I'm being honest"

Pam "Buy me a drink"

"No"

"But it's my birthday!"

"I know, and you can cry if you want to, but I'm still not buying you a drink"

"You're an asshole"

"We just meet, and it feels like you know me so well, we should date"

She gives me the finger and starts staggering around the table, and I start talking to her pal. Next thing I know, she is on our side of the table again, and she is falling into me. I put my hands up to catch her, and she falls onto my lap and badly kisses me. When we stop kissing:

"Well that's the least smoothest way someone has kissed me, if you wanted a birthday kiss, you just had to ask"

"Shut up, what would you have said?"

"No"

"You're an asshole"

"So you have said"

"Buy me a drink"

"No"

"Fuck you"

"Ha, you wish you could, don't pout, it makes you look fat"

I push her off my lap, and she takes the seat next to me and proceeds to snuggle. I give her the occasional kiss while talking shit with the lesbians. At one point Pam looks me in the eye and thanks me for the birthday kisses.

I managed to make a deal with her and her pal about drinks, they would buy me one each, and then I would get them one (My mother told me to never buy a girl a drink until she bought me one). I managed to get two, expensive bourbon cocktails out of them.

After about an hour, two built guys come out to the smoking area, and start AMOGing me.

When introducing themselves to me, I reach to shake one of their hands, and he moves it, saying "Too slow" I laugh and reply "Nice, I haven't had that done to me since I was 12".

He then proceeds to say "I like your style" I thank him, and he offers to shake my hand, and of course he moves it again. I look him in the eye and say "Look man, first time was funny, now you're just being a fucking childish asshole" He looks shocked, and apologizes and shakes my hand properly.

They start running some game, bigging each other up, dropping snide remarks my way. "I don't trust that guy", "He isn't your boyfriend, your boyfriend is a fire fighter? Who is he then? Oh, a birthday snog, him?! He said you looked 45! What an asshole, you look 25! You go to the gym, wow, you have a great body" They end up buying them 2 cocktails and a bottle of champagne, Pam insists I get a glass and enjoy two drinks on them.

We have now been chatting with the two AMOGs for about an hour. Her pal has taken a liking to one of them, so I can tell time is limited, so I quietly #-close Pam (too old, but you know, gotta keep the stats up), and head into the bar.

I head into the bar, find the Brazilian and her friends and chat to them for 20 mins. This goes fairly well, and I arrange to hit a night club with them. I then head back out have a smoke.

Pam is sitting with one of them, clearly getting birthday kisses from him now. The lesbian spots me coming in and says:

"Pam broke out her smooth move and fell onto him"

"She really needs to work on that, she is getting old, might break a hip"

The AMOG chatting to her pal calls me a few names. And I sit between him and the lesbians.

I chat to them all for awhile, while Pam snogs one of the AMOGs. I make sure to shake the hand of the one next to me and tell him "Well played, you did your mate proud", he looked a little confused and replied "Yea, well, I'm taking him under my wing"

20 minutes pass, and Pam and her pal get up and leave. I give them both a bug good bye, they both inform me once again I am an asshole and leave.

Once they have left the smoking area, the AMOG that played the hand shaking game turns to me:

"Ha, we stole your girl. You with your fancy jacket and smooth chat, no fucking for you. That's how you do it, teaching my mate how to pull the ladies like a man"

"That is true, chief, but let's be honest, she was fucking wrecked, there was no chance her mate was going to let her leave with anyone; she isn't from here. Your mate and I gave her some birthday kisses. But, lets look at it this way; I got them to buy me two cocktails and refused to get them any. You got them 4 cocktails, that's about £30-40, and the champagne, the cheapest bottle in here is £50. Hell man, I had two glasses of champagne you paid for."

"You're a fucking creep, I should smash your head in"