Turning to MGTOW community after bad breakup, searching for answers

dotconnect · 2015-12-28T20:35:00+00:00

You just suffered a huge loss. It's normal to be extremely depressed. Do you have any close family members or friends that you can hang around during this difficult time? Can you spend the night over at their place? Please don't go through this alone, if you don't have to.

dotconnect · 2015-12-28T21:51:29+00:00

[deleted]

Isaiah4verse1 · 2015-12-28T21:52:41+00:00

MGTOW is not a bullpen for jilted lovers.

dotconnect · 2015-12-29T04:21:03+00:00

[deleted]

2015-12-28T21:02:48+00:00

Join a crossfit gym. It will force you to get a great workout which will release those feelgood dopamines, etc. You will start having more confidence as your body transforms. And you will meet, cool, supportive people some of which will be hot, extremely in shape women.

CyLoke · 2015-12-28T22:52:44+00:00

Setup a schedule and stick to it, make sure it keeps you busy, workout every single day, get your diet under control,, write, try meditating. The hardest part of all this is not to ruminate on what has happened or what could have been, the past is dead and that future you envisioned with her simply does not exist, learn to let it go. I went through a devastating break up as well as losing my closet friend all around the same time, I'm a stronger man cause of it in the end but fuck me did hurt going through it at the time. And know most importantly, life can get better but that's ALL UP TO YOU.

MuscleCarz · 2015-12-29T02:16:39+00:00

Brother, I feel your pain. Hang in there. It will pass.

I am three years out of a several year relationship that I too, HAD TO GET OUT OF.

Here's what I've learned and suggest:

ONE. If you haven't read Esther Vilar's "Manipulated Man," READ IT NOW. It'll knock your dick right in the dirt and open your eyes. Remember, she wrote this book to get men to wake the f*ck up.

TWO. Your testosterone (when it peaks every few days), coupled with the loss of intimacy will really f*ck with your body and mind (I can still easily, remember and vividly see in my mind, every woman I've had an intimate relationship with, being together, kissing, holding each other, or worse, her, on my bed, on her knees, naked, buns-up, looking over her shoulder with that patented, "take me now" seductive look on her face). If you don't get a handle on what's going on and what to do about it, it's just going to amplify the pain, so I recommend doing this (it really helped me):

On the back of a business card (with a very fine point pen), write down the top three or four most toxic things about your ex., i.e., trying to control and/or manipulate by withholding intimacy, constant, obsessive attention-seeking, creating crises (bitching for no reason) for effect, etc. KEEP THAT CARD IN YOUR WALLET AT ALL TIMES!

Then, when your testosterone's up and you start feeling that nagging sense of melancholy loss of closeness with her--especially when your horny--(mother nature doesn't give a shit about the darker nature of women), take out the card and start reading the statements to yourself. I'd usually get to number 3 and say to myself, "ok," smile, and just remind myself I DID THE RIGHT THING. For me, there was something about actually taking the card out and reading the reasons I left that was way more effective than self-talk alone.

THREE. If you get a therapist, I recommend you get one that's Male, and before you book any appointments, make sure you ask him if there's any possibility he might interject HIS OWN moral, ethical, ideological beliefs into the therapeutic relationship. Even then, proceed with caution. If it doesn't feel right, GTFO.

FOUR. Exercise! Grief, depression and/or anxiety can be PARALYZING. If you've stopped, start up again on at least a limited basis. Doesn't have to be a lot, just a couple/few days a week of strength training (pushing weight to failure) will do the trick. I can't recall how many people I've seen go over the top too soon too may days, too many "sets" and end up hating it and just quit. Start small (short time, short sets) and work yourself up.

FIVE. HAVE A LIFE-PLAN FOR YOURSELF. I know this sounds simplistic, maybe even trite, but I find most people's life-plans are either non-existent, vague, or amorphous at best. Sit down and really map out on paper how you'd like the rest of your life to pan-out, what type of career, hobbies, interests, etc. Keep it realistic and have landmarks of achievement, i.e., "I will complete my degree in 5 years," "income in my career will be X in 10 years," "will get my body in shape by date X," etc.

Make sure you enjoy the journey and treat yourself to fun when you make achievements and complete goals. Even when I was living on an extremely limited income, living in a converted garage/studio apartment and going to college, after completing my work, every Friday, I'd treat myself to a video and a small steak. It was all I could afford, but I loved it!

When it comes to your life-plan, OWN IT. Own it to the level that everyone who comes to know you on an intimate basis will know--in short order--"this is a man who knows WHERE he's going, HOW he's getting there and WHY he's going there."

Most important of all is, that others sense in your demeanor and dedication, you will not deviate from YOUR PLAN FOR ANYONE. This is something that I think (because of the pussification of society) has been lost to many modern men, yet, paradoxically, is secretly very, very attractive to everyone (especially women) whom you may come into contact. Be a man with a plan. Your shit-testing girlfriend suddenly blurts out she's considering "being a missionary in South Africa," "wants to move back East," or some other scenario, fine, just let her know that's not in your plan for YOU. She may act like she's put off by your resolve on the surface (she's not used to it), but she will respect it, and probably cut back on the shit-testing itself when she realizes the futility of it.

My ex and I parted ways (I had to leave), but I know she respects the fact that I've always had a solid plan and known where I'm going. I'll be retiring in 5 years and loving life.

On the other hand, had I married her, caved into the plethora of her whims instead of keeping my head and sticking to my plan, leaving her would have resulted in economic and psychological pain for myself I don't even want to fathom.

Remember Brother, you can always come here for support, inspiration and healthy, therapeutic dialogue.

dirtydog413 · 2015-12-28T21:03:18+00:00

Make sure you get the help you need to treat depression, mgtow comes after to help you stand on your feet. But we can't treat the depression, that needs up close and professional help. One word of advice. Stick with counseling, absolutely do not allow yourself to be put on any psychotropic drugs, they are very dangerous. Counseling with a good therapist should be very helpful in itself. Once you are stronger mgtow stands ready to help you back so you can be strong. Remember, you WILL be stronger later, just make sure there IS a later that you can come to.

mutageno · 2015-12-28T22:33:28+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/

2015-12-28T23:28:51+00:00

How to get over someone http://edlatimore.com/2015/12/28/how-to-get-over-someone/

arobotspointofview · 2015-12-28T23:35:27+00:00

Realize it'a going to take time to get over. It took me almost a year before I came to accept the "death" of my 8+ year relationship. You're going to be sad, you're going to be depressed. You just have to get through it. Unfortunately, there's really no way around that.

Also, see a therapist or find someone you can talk to and share everything with. It helps immensely.

2015-12-29T00:32:09+00:00

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oldredder · 2015-12-29T01:20:46+00:00

You got fooled. Women can only change in one way: to get more selfish. To stop this early a strong father has to put her in her place and she must learn to respect all men properly before age 6 or it's over. She's useless for life. Good for one thing... but a liability for the rest.

Sadly you've spent the best years of your life (for learning) with her and not had enough experience being around in the world. Thankfully you can still build your body, be more fit, still pick up hobbies, and if you're more clever than the average bear, still keep learning.

To get over this woman you need 2 things:

1) a way to fill your time with meaningful change that you enjoy for yourself, what you learn, how much you can run or lift, what you enjoy seeing/doing

2) a real understanding that women are often shit and there's no way out of it. You took your chance, it looked good, but it turns out she's one of the 95% who are shit in the end instead of the 5% who might be a decent wife one day.

Once you realize you're better off now than with her the feeling of loneliness will go, once you realize you were more lonely with her than without, because she was only there enough to keep you thinking she was loyal-ish, all the while she has wanted other men all along. Who knows if she did it or not. Don't even worry about that.

2015-12-29T05:39:41+00:00

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Andrian-TQM · 2015-12-28T23:46:53+00:00

It's not going to be easy. It is your fault that you ignored the signs all these years but the best thing you can do is to remove any sense of empathy that you still have for that person. The only way to move forward is to finally realize that you can do better and try and diminish her value as much as possible. It might sound self-degrading because she is the person you spent all these years with but the sooner you realize it is the best way to cure yourself, the better you will feel. You are still at an age where you can build a great life if you really want to. Also, meditate and spend some time in nature.

carrotforscale · 2015-12-29T04:20:50+00:00

First off, as a Canadian, I commend your choice of beer.

I empathize with your situation; it's very similar to my own. I went through a long stage of confusion and anger, but eventually found my way here.

I've never been a very social person, so I found distraction in activities I could take up on my own, and which also yielded benefits to my mental and physical health. There are lots of hobbies, sports and other activities to fill the hours, some with little expense or prior skill required (e.g. walking). Even the simple task of planning a route and laying out gear for a hike can help your brain maintain its life-essential capacity for future thinking, hopes, dreams, imagination and creativity.

I don't know if I've "made it" yet, but I'm still here.

There's a bunch of fellows here pulling for you, too.

2015-12-29T05:33:36+00:00

Dude, you knew the red flags, and yet you persisted in breaking your own heart on her jagged edge.

Know thyself.

You spent 15 years on a woman that needed lots of other males' attention, and got emotionally invested so that you could break your own heart. I mean, yes, she's not innocent for her part in it, but you need to take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror.

Your self-worth must be in the toilet to invest so much into (women in general, but) this woman in particular.

Love yourself. Work on that. Go your own way not because of a breakup, instead, because you love yourself too much to do that shit again.

I'm sorry it happened, but what are you actually sad about? She wasn't satisfied with you - good riddance - you're free now (like you should have been when you were in your early 20s). Make the most of it... But also be sad if you feel like it, get it out of your system.

First comes denial, then comes bargaining, then comes sadness (you, now), then comes anger, then comes acceptance.

If you need help, then get help.

Books? You want books?

Go on youtube, learn more about MGTOW, Stardusk, and Barbarossaaaa's old work is good. The book The Manipulated Man is worth a read, Sperm Wars is worth a read, The Predatory Female is good if you want to rage for a bit. I like RazorBladeKandy2, Turd Flinging Monkey, and Gregory Becker/Spetsnaz/darkknight are good emotional MGTOWs, Vention1MGTOW is also good.

But, man, I'm not certain MGTOW is for you - it sounds like you want to go back, not your own way. I could be wrong, but you put women on a pedestal, and need to reevaluate your idea of women.

Good luck. Take care of yourself. You're worth more than this. You did not act dumb, you're not an idiot, and you didn't fuck up; you are now free to be worth more (chiefly to yourself, first and foremost).

spacecowboyreturns · 2015-12-28T21:24:23+00:00

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pawsahf · 2015-12-28T22:00:18+00:00

Just make it your goal to get through this one single day and lay off the German beer it is a CNS depressant and will only make depression worse.

Survival should be your goal right now and as my friend who is a good Psychiatrist often says, "lean into the pain" and affirm "these feelings will pass and I'll be okay." It may seem counter-intuitive, but not denying yourself the space to feel the pain, the grief, the anger, and frustration will cultivate self-compassion.

"To stay with that shakiness — to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge — that is the path of true awakening,”--Pema Chodron

bonusfruit · 2015-12-29T03:11:37+00:00

I recommend binging on barbarosssaa and stardusk videos. Snapped me right out of it when I was devastated about a woman

WhoreObliterator · 2015-12-29T06:06:43+00:00

you placing too much value on a relationship

OldRoad · 2015-12-29T08:42:02+00:00

Hey, my advice is nowhere near as good as some of the advice people have given you here, but I will add this:

Don't get unhappy with yourself for the breakup. I doubt the breakup would have happened if there weren't serious problems. If the relationship was bad enough for a breakup to happen, then you are very likely better off single, at least compared to being in that particular relationship.

Just a while before the breakup of my longest relationship, I found myself one day thinking about how great it would be just to be single again. I caught the irony of myself thinking that, when I had tried so hard to find a serious relationship that I wanted, before. So I made myself remember that moment, so that if I ever questioned my breakup, I would remember that that was exactly what I had wanted.

I have never regretted giving the relationship a try, but I have also never regretted my breakup. I have heard a little bit about what my ex did in the years since our breakup, and I know I made the right decision. She continued to have the same issues as when I was with her, and if anything, I very likely would have had a lot more of the same types of problems as before with her (or worse), if I had not broken up with her.

Being by yourself can be tough, if you aren't used to it, and also depending on your personality. Just remember, you can talk to friends, family, etc., if you need to...even REDDIT! :-)

Take good care of yourself.

MGTOWfromEAST · 2015-12-29T10:49:22+00:00

PM'ed you.

FieldsofBlue · 2015-12-29T14:36:34+00:00

Best wishes to you. I can't say that I've ever felt something that painful, but at the end of all this you'll cone out feeling a lot better about your life than you do now.

AdolfSchmitler · 2015-12-29T15:12:01+00:00

hobbies dude, hobbies. you'll be having a lot of extra time to yourself. build things, read things, watch things, video games. some self reflection / meditation isn't bad if you're info that. tai chi helps me personally. also spend some time with your friends/family just chilling to maintain some human contact. my $.02

McGinnicuddy · 2015-12-30T07:36:38+00:00

I found this place today and I've never felt more at home in a sub before. Nice not feeling like im crazy.

Morranaii · 2015-12-28T22:46:10+00:00

if you suspect she might be codependent or toxic BPD - check subreds

https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDSOFFA https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones

Check their resources on the right side of the page. Sometimes people with BPD could pretend they are 100% normal.

You also need to read about codependency. - links are there.

After that, check Red Pill/Mgtow huge base of knowledge - manipulated man, anatomy of female power, alex on life you tube channel, feminism lol YT, other blogs such as RedMaleHummingbird, Rational Male - those are my personal favs.

Knowledge is our power and it will make you understand, heal and grow in strength. It will help you cope with loneliness ,too. It's like having a withdrawal after addiction from drugs- its gonna be a rough ride, but you NEED TO STICK TO IT AND MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH THIS SHIT.

PS. I was in a toxic relationship for 5 years after I've finally break through and found MGTOW. I can relate. Anger, depression, sadness, regrets, hate. And then, a sudden freedom.

Stay strong.

mutageno · 2015-12-29T00:07:23+00:00

Go to counselling, preferably CBT.

The usual advise stands: delete Facebook, hit the gym. Or run, or whatever takes you outside. Avoid junk food that will get you in a depression loop, get a super healthy diet that will give you energy.

Title	Turning to MGTOW community after bad breakup, searching for answers
Author	dotconnect
Upvotes	34
Comments	48
Date	December 28, 2015 8:28 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MGTOW
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MGTOW/comments/3ykbue/turning_to_mgtow_community_after_bad_breakup/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MGTOW/turning-to-mgtow-community-after-bad-breakup.639426 https://theredarchive.com/post/639426

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