Fiancee let me use his phone and i opened his browser and saw he uses omegle and jerkmate (a site where you JO with other people/women.)

raspberryjam1 · 2020-04-20T16:18:58+00:00

I find porn difficult emotionally as well, but definitely draw the line at mutual masturbation. Being "not in person together" negates very little for me. My husband had a virtual work meeting this morning. It was still a meeting. I talked to my dad online on Thursday. Our conversation was a conversation. In a few hours, I'm having an online therapy session. Best believe it's considered a billable psychiatric appointment by my insurance company. The internet isn't a magic lawless wild west where your fiance's suddenly single.

Illustrious_Drive · 2020-04-20T14:56:38+00:00

I think you were cheated on.

Just because it’s online doesn’t make it better than “in person” cheating.

I’m hesitant to call porn viewing cheating, but I do believe it’s unfaithful behavior just as going out to a bar to intentionally flirt with strange men is unfaithful behavior.

I do think this is cheating though. Once you interact personally with someone else in an intimate way. It’s cheating.

I know you say he’s the love of your life, but I think just in the fact alone that he knows how you feel about this topic but continues to do it, and escalate it, sounds like he’s not capable of having true emotional relationships.

I could not imagine being with a guy who was outspoken (even if he didn’t ask me to stop) about a behavior I repeatedly chose to do. I mean I would just break up with him. I think men who continue to choose porn in relationships, knowing how their gfs or wives feel about it, either have troubles truly connecting with other people or have low self esteem and think that they can’t do any different, OR know that it’s wrong and are addicted to it which comes with a whole lot of other issues.

2020-04-20T14:13:55+00:00

He's my dream man and the love of my life in every other way.

This is a pretty big exception to that. I have an issue with porn as well, one of my primary ones being the number of marriages that suffer from addiction to it. Why risk it?

Your boyfriend obviously knows you have a problem with pornography and he still watches it, in addition to using these sites. You may just have different views on this very controversial subject. I think you should talk to him, calmly, about what you saw and explain how it makes you feel. Then you need to decide whether or not you can accept this behavior if it continues, because you simply cannot force him to change, whether he's addicted or just disagrees with you.

2020-04-20T23:23:23+00:00

just wanted to point out a possible technicality.

as an avid porn watcher myself, a lot of the time when you're on porn sites those jerkmate pages come up automatically and you have to close them down.

just letting you know as it may be the case that he was just looking at porn and that jerkmate page popped up by itself. and now he's just forgotten to close it and you found it. so bad luck basically.

not saying it's definitely that.... but it's something to consider.

jininxica · 2020-04-23T13:27:51+00:00

This IS cheating. He's been CHEATING with random strangers on the internet. Watching a video is different than interacting with someone else, jerking off and watching them do so.

It's no different than if he met up with a girl irl to watch each other jerk off.

you are NOT overreacting. You need to have a long discussion, and if his reaction isn't right you need to dump him. He does not respect you or your relationship.

Personally I'd of dumped him the second I saw the app.

Have you ever seen the movie "bad moms", well this kind of mutual online jerking off is exactly what the mom walks in on her husband doing in the beginning of the movie, and she leaves him because it is cheating.

I'm so sorry that this has happened, but you deserve better.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2020-04-20T21:26:14+00:00

This sounds like it’s definitely crossing a line. I don’t know anyone personally who would consider virtual sex as anything other than cheating.

bluescrunchie182 · 2020-04-21T18:01:56+00:00

This is such a slippery slope. I would be heart broken... you’re not even married yet and he’s e-hooking up with other women. Does he pay for it too? Are you sure he isn’t?

This is a huge red flag for a porn addiction, IMO. Do you think you have a healthy sex life with him?

You need to have a serious talk about it with him. He’s going to be your partner for life, I hope he can understand your perspective because this is setting the precedent for your future.

DoctorNini · 2020-04-20T15:42:56+00:00

I agree with Kara. It’s time to have a talk about boundaries.

At this point, you have told him that you will not attempt to prevent his use of pornography. I think this is very wise. I think to set a ”no porn” boundary with someone who is compelled to use it regularly is doomed to failure. I also think it has the effect of adding a further illicit and furtive charge to the act of using it. I think all you will accomplish by that is that he will simply get used to lying to you about his porn use. If he ever wishes to reform his porn use, that impetus needs to come from within him and not you.

However, as you have rightly noted, there are different forms of pornography. Cam girls and chaturbate etc involve a level of interaction beyond just watching the usual clips and films. They involve a real woman responding to his sexual desires and overtures in real time. He is forming a real, if brief, sexual connection with another woman. It is natural that you would feel threatened and betrayed by that.

I think the most honest way to deal with this is to admit what you saw on his phone, and explain that it hurt and frightened you, and explain why. Ask him if he would consider (no ultimatums!) reducing his usage of interactive sexual services like this. Offer to discuss it again in a couple of weeks once he has had time to think it through.

Be prepared for his answer to be no, and also be prepared to find out in the future he has lied to you about continuing to use them. Porn use is compulsive and bound up in shame for many people. It is a difficult habit to walk away from.

Have a long, reflective think about how you would react to him continuing to use these services and whether that is something you can accept. Only you know the answer to that.

DoctorNini · 2020-04-20T16:31:44+00:00

[deleted]

Iknowdaway20 · 2020-04-22T03:23:47+00:00

Do you guys have sex only once in awhile? Try to spice things up when you guys have sex next do something different. If he’s likes it enough he won’t even think about jerking off.

Title	Fiancee let me use his phone and i opened his browser and saw he uses omegle and jerkmate (a site where you JO with other people/women.)
Author	throwaway89w
Upvotes	10
Comments	33
Date	April 20, 2020 4:51 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/g4mgs4/fiancee_let_me_use_his_phone_and_i_opened_his/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/fiancee-let-me-use-his-phone-and-i-opened-his.656071 https://theredarchive.com/post/656071

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