Emasculation.

ShootingDanks · 2020-05-20T02:49:10+00:00

I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation. Binding yourself to a man for life, when he...

is indifferent about caring for himself;
has few life skills;
is used to being babied;
has no strong role models;
is prone to depression;
has a penchant for squalor (!);
has no desire to change;
makes no financial contribution to his family;
is allowing his weight (and therefore health) to get out of control;
actively contributes to dysfunction in the household

...was a mistake on your part.

It sounds as though he is using you as a scapegoat to avoid addressing his own inadequacies. You cannot change this man. Not by nagging, begging, bribing or crying. If he is unwilling to step up now, when you're a mother caring for his child, there is nothing you can do to inspire him to take responsibility for his actions.

I suspect that the best way for him to learn that you are not the problem, is for him to leave. If you are the person holding him back, then he will flourish without you. Since you love him, this is what you want. You want him to be happy and successful, even if that means you have to let him go.

However, if he continues to be a fat bum, sitting around on his mom's couch instead of his partners', who's he going to blame? Only himself. Or his mom, I guess. Once he discovers that actually, he's no prize, despite being rid of your emasculating presence, he'll either be spurred into action and begin the journey of self-improvement, or, more likely, he'll try to avoid reality by diving headfirst into a life of video-games, porn, junk-food, TV series and substance abuse.

Either way, he'll only be your concern as far as visitation rights are concerned. If you think you can inspire him to be better by following the advice others gave you, then obviously that should be your first course of action. Whatever you decide to do, don't hide your light under a bushel. You cannot make someone else feel like more by reducing yourself.

ProgmusicHans · 2020-05-20T00:54:14+00:00

"Bearing in mind that I'm the submissive one!"

Yeah, that's what I get from the text. It seems he lost himself and nevertheless you are pretty...soft on him. And the following statement is showcasing the problem

"Especially since he cannot give me an example of what I do to 'make' him feel that way."

You didn't disrespect him or have shown similar emasculating behaviour. HE himself emasculated himself and now he is putting it on you. You calling him out does not constitute emasculating him, he did this to himself due to depression etc.

"I'm un-fucking-believably sick of it."

You should. You didn't disrespect him, yet he is putting his self-"emasculation" on you after he forces you to take control of everything, thus you have lost respect for him, due to his lack of responsibility for pretty much everything.

"but I firmly believe we will all be happier when he gets the fuck out my house"

Yes, he has to go. Right now he has you around to put blame on, all while being fully supported.
"it has to get worse before it gets better"

TripleMaxor · 2020-05-20T02:54:44+00:00

I'm a man and I think this guy is just emasculating himself and blaming it on others. Get a job or cleanup or try something. If he's never contributed financially to help at least cover his half then wtf is he called a man for ?

TheBunk_TB · 2020-05-20T01:15:50+00:00

Does the guy have any healthy influences in his life?

satrewasright · 2020-05-20T17:41:28+00:00

Some great responses. I pretty much agree with all of them. It is a conclusion I had come to on my own but believe it or not, trying to turf someone out that I do feel for is quite hard. Nevertheless, when lockdown is lifted we've agreed he needs to find somewhere. It hasn't gone down well, he thinks I hate him and has thrown every excuse under the sun at me. I recognise that it's the low self esteem talking but bleurgh.

Some added context...

He's an only child and his family are a massive contributer, I see it very clearly now. Total people pleaser with codependency issues and a worrier to boot. Until I came along he was bobbing about in a fish bowl never questioning what water was.

When we were seeing each other he did have a place with a flatmate, then it was just him. What I only know in hindsight is that his mum would tidy the flat for him and his gran would buy him all his necessities! I genuinely fear they will sneakily pull that stunt again.

As bad as my post portrays him he has made significant changes. We both have. I come from nothing, with bad health and a plethora of my own traumas, yet Ive managed to do a complete 180 and he just... Isn't quite here with me.

Sadly he has no healthy role models, although he considers me one?! A part of the strides that he has made is that he's outgrown his entire social circle. So now he also has no friends. I'd argue he never did as they were fucking degenerates but I digress.

He does actually have his own business lol. When approached about not contributing he just says "you don't ask" which is true, because I find it tedious and demeaning. I also broached the emasculation thing again and he says "it's the way you tell me what to do, you have a way of saying it that pisses me off" my response of "I wouldn't need to tell you what to do if you just done it" was met with agreement but I know it didn't register.

I also do just really enjoy his company, he's hilarious, is the first man to be able to hold an intelligible conversation with me and he's a doting dad. He even took on my daughter from a previous relationship.

He's just so far up my arse. I don't respect him for it and he doesn't respect my truth.

2020-05-20T00:35:41+00:00

It sounds like he emasculates himself and you're the perfect scapegoat. A woman can emasculate a man, but his issues seem to be of his own making. It sounds like it's time to be friends, for the sake of your son, and move away from a romantic dynamic.

haiylie · 2020-05-20T19:31:58+00:00

Nope, don't buy it. He's trying to feel better about his poor life choices and laziness by blaming you. It's toxic and over time will lower you self esteem to just where he wants it (consciously or subconsciously). The longer you're around this behavior the more it will seep into your psyche.He needs to leave and get on his own two feet.

You are already enabling him, but you can stop - you're not powerless in this situation. The longer you put up with this, the more he'll lose respect for you because you aren't making a stand (actions not words). People take their cues on how much to respect you by how much you respect yourself i.e. you tolerating this shows him you don't think you deserve better. Yes, he hears the complaints but he pays attention to your actions more. Your actions say "don't bother doing better because I'll put up with this and I can't do better than a bum."

teaandtalk · 2020-05-20T00:59:15+00:00

I mean, the other posters could be right - maybe he is the one who's emasculated himself. But we've only gotten your side of the story, and I doubt you've been perfect.

Even if you had been perfect, and it was all up to him? You CANNOT do anything about that, not at all. You can't change him, you can only change yourself. So I would focus on that - on building him up, when you can, and giving him space to start doing things for himself again. I'm getting a lack-of-respect vibe from this post - understandably. But if you let that out, he's going to retreat further and further.

Can you try to treat him like a man you respect? Fake it until you make it? Let him change his own bedlinen, make his own appointments, etc, etc, etc. But make sure that when you talk to him, you are respectful, or you don't talk to him if you can't keep the disrespect from creeping in.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. But he's a man you once loved, and with whom you share a child...so it's worth doing everything in your power to change the situation. Have you read the Surrendered Wife?

TheBunk_TB · 2020-05-20T01:16:34+00:00

I would suggest he read Robert Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy , but Im not sure if that would help him

satrewasright · 2020-05-21T14:31:17+00:00

I'm such a noob at Reddit ugh

Title	Emasculation.
Author	satrewasright
Upvotes	5
Comments	27
Date	May 20, 2020 12:04 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/gn0j3l/emasculation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/emasculation.665456 https://theredarchive.com/post/665456

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