Asking for advice or experiences ; Boyfriend’s hometown is “ignorant/racist” and his family isn’t thrilled he’s dating outside his race . How to handle situation ?

UsefulLeek · 2020-06-01T21:10:52+00:00

Hi, I’m from a racist hometown.

He needs to be active in his anti-racism at a level that is beyond “oh hey don’t do that”. He needs to actively unpack, and continue to unpack, policing in his town, land recognition, consumerism, racist rhetoric, military glorification, his education, waste disposal in the area and more. He needs to BE working on that.

Im sure he loves you a lot, but he needs to understand that there isn’t a reality where he can sweep things under the rug and be a moral person. Ask for whatever you need.

heythere360 · 2020-06-01T21:45:27+00:00

I personally would not go. Especially in this climate.

Why can’t he come to you?

Saitschik · 2020-06-01T22:18:05+00:00

I agree with some other comments here and think you shouldn't go.

Who gives a damn about this racist rat's nest. You have nothing to proof to his family and it is very understandable when you don't go to a place where you are not welcome. Or where you have to fear to be threatened even.

Better make sure you are comfortable and safe&sound

Kekekeke7777 · 2020-06-02T02:09:54+00:00

I’m so sorry that his family and the whole damn town is dangerous.

ApostateX · 2020-06-02T02:40:18+00:00

Congratulations on finding a partner who makes you truly happy. :-)

Couple things here:

I completely understand how nerve-wracking it can be to meet a boyfriend's parents for the first time. When there are concerns about race/culture thrown in there, that just adds a huge level of OMG to the mix. Please remember, you're not there to manage THEIR feelings or to mediate your boyfriend's relationship with them because your biracial background somehow makes you "special" in a way a white woman isn't. These are adults. It's on them to treat you as a valued guest. And you should have a conversation with your boyfriend beforehand that if anything comes up that you are not comfortable handling on your own -- especially if it's with his parents -- that he needs to be the hero here. If you're in his family's environment then he has the power there. With power comes responsibility, right? This is NOT your emotional labor to do.
Depending on how long you'll be there, it may make sense to have an exit strategy planned if things go REALLY south. And that could mean making sure you have access to transportation to leave his parents' home, or that you've looked up the location/cost of hotels in the area and have a pre-identified place to stay. It could mean having an extra small bag packed with a change of clothes and toiletry essentials that never gets unpacked so that if you need to bail immediately you can just grab that and go, and your BF can bring you the rest of your stuff later. It could also mean you tell your close friends/family where you're going and make sure to have a scheduled check-in with them just so they know how you're doing and get the reassurance that comes from talking to members of Team You.
You don't need to find a personality that you think will suit his parents or somehow prevent microaggressions or blatant racism when you're out in town -- as if you even could? Just go in there super polite and friendly and be the best version of you. And you like yourself, right? So express that confidence by making sure your behavior reflects the kind of person others WANT to get to know. If his family has problems with that or the neighbors or whoever, they're THEIR problems. If you and this guy continue to stay together long-term, those folks will have plenty of opportunity to change their minds and treat you with the courtesy and friendliness you also deserve in return. Or you go NC and that's that.
I don't have to tell you racism is everywhere. But certainly some places -- some neighborhoods -- are worse than others for the kinds of behavior that are fostered or put up with there. Your boyfriend isn't helping you out by causing you anxiety on this topic, so tell him to button his mouth, and put his energies instead toward identifying safe places for you guys to go out on the town if you leave his parents' house by yourself or with others.

Ultimately, you're asking what you can do to help white people feel more comfortable around you. And the answer is . . . nothing. And that's not your job anyway. Don't take on that kind of stress/responsibility. This man has chosen you as his partner and you have chosen him. That's wonderful. And now people close to him get to see how happy you make each other and how well you treat each other. That should make THEM happy. Any fears they have about the social ramifications or potential tribulations you might suffer as an interracial couple are only reduced/normalized by being out and around more interracial couples. There are no magic words here you can say to make those fears go away. So don't take them on. That's their burden. You just live your life.

Have fun, and good luck.

CedarBrush01 · 2020-06-01T21:58:18+00:00

Your fears and concerns are totally rational, and thank you for your courage in asking for advice on a very real and unfortunate topic like racism. We need to talk about it more, especially as women, IMO.

Going into an environment where you know hostility is both totally unwarranted and inevitable is scary and nerve-wracking. Honestly, my first thought is it's very unfortunate he can't visit YOU, so that you don't have to be exposed to such a trash environment. Is there a reason he can't do that? Also, is the two of you having a stay-cation in a neighboring town where he works a possibility, so that you can see each other but avoid being in Racist-ville?

If you can't avoid visiting him in his hometown, have supportive friends/family on speed dial so that you can call them to vent, or even get help coming home early if need be.

Ultimately, remember and remind yourself that what you're asking advice for is outside of you in the sense that it's everyone else who has the problem (racist behavior), and you don't need to make sure your bf and his family are "okay". He needs to follow the advice given by UsefulLeek.

vulture2112 · 2020-06-02T01:13:03+00:00

I am sad that you have to deal with this and I wish it wasn’t an issue anywhere. I’m a white person and cannot say what it feels like for you and I can’t tell you it will all be fine. I wish I could. I think you are the best judge of what is healthiest and safest for you. It’s a worthy stand to take, to fight racist attitudes, I think you and your boyfriend should prepare and come to an agreement what action you both think it’s wise to take and how you will handle any pushback if there is any.

I witnessed both my Mom and Dad taking stands against racism with neighbors and family and doing it in a way in which they calmly state what they won’t tolerate and back it up with action if necessary. For example my Mom was asked to make a family tree poster for a family reunion and her uncle asked her to leave off a man that one female cousin married because he was another race. My Mom said “he is a person and I’m putting him on there”. And she did and nothing more was said. When it came to moral issues neither my Mom or Dad would back down. Admittedly, they were usually on their own turf and not risking much compared to what some have had to endure. So while they had positive outcomes I can’t judge what is best for you.

I was in one interracial relationship for a year and neither of us got any negative feedback from anyone during that time, but we live in a big city.

goatismycopilot · 2020-06-02T11:00:16+00:00

I wouldn't go. My ex husband was from a very racist small town. His brother openly said the N word. I am white and I died a bit every time we visited his family. I did after a few visits tell my ex straight up I was not going to visit if I had to hear that and nobody was saying it in my home. His brother stopped but made fun of me. Unless he cuts it off with his family OP this is going to be a huge incompatibility for the long term.

Title	Asking for advice or experiences ; Boyfriend’s hometown is “ignorant/racist” and his family isn’t thrilled he’s dating outside his race . How to handle situation ?
Author	poisonbitesblue
Upvotes	14
Comments	14
Date	June 1, 2020 7:20 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gur04i/asking_for_advice_or_experiences_boyfriends/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/asking-for-advice-or-experiences-boyfriends.674677 https://theredarchive.com/post/674677

Comments