So, a bit about me - I'm 29, still live at home with parents who used to abuse me but are a bit easier to live with now apart from some tense moments, I have CPTSD, depression and severe social anxiety. I am probably below average looking. I'm not pretending to be a HVW at all. Anyway. 4 years ago on an online game I met my boyfriend. He is an amazing man, and has so much respect for women. He isn't flirtatious with other women, he is loyal, he doesn't even look at other women. He is anti-porn, and wouldn't dream of looking at IG models (I see a lot of women posting about their boyfriends looking at IG models). He says I am his soulmate and he wants to grow old with me. We live in different cities so because of lockdown I haven't seen him for 2 months. He has sent me flowers and dessert. He buys me little thoughtful presents and even makes me cute little gifts with his mad sewing skills. He cooks for me, even when he is round mine (or rather my parents'). He is never selfish in bed and loves going down on me.

But for some reason, for the past couple of months I have had this nagging doubt about the relationship. I have become a bit frustrated with him. Up until recently he has been paying off £2k debt. He had the debt from before he met me, and as he spends so much on me for special occassions he has not paid it off until recently, when he has finally started to be more sensible with his money. He spent hundreds on me, building me a gaming PC. He has been a bit silly but now he has finally paid off debt. He's had various setbacks, his car got destroyed at the end of last year and he's had to do various repairs and spent more money than he expected to so he has not been able to pay the debt off.

I used to think his debt was a lot more than £2k, as it took him so long to pay off. My boyfriend knows I am having doubts about the relationship, and I keep asking him how come it took 4 years to pay off such a small amount of money, and he just keeps saying he has been an idiot and he wishes he had done things differently. When we first got together, for the first year or two, he would do building work with his Dad. For the past two years my boyfriend and his Dad have been trying to work on an online business. My boyfriend hoped that the business would make money sooner than it did, so that this would be an income for us. He thought working for his Dad would offer him more flexibility for when we live together one day, as if we worked opposite hours, at least he would be at home most of the time.

Anyway. For all this time I have stayed living at home, waiting for him to be in a better financial position, pay off his debt and then we could start looking at renting a place together. However it has not happened, and I'm frustrated with the fact that 4 years on and our relationship hasn't seemed to have moved forward. We used to have plans to move up North where housing is much cheaper, and I could be closer to his family, who have been so welcoming, especially in comparison to my toxic family. I really dreamed of being close to his family and living up there with him.

In order for me to live there though I'd need to drive so I could see my friends who live down South now and then. It would also open up more job opportunities for me. So I started driving lessons. I found this really hard, as I suffer with severe anxiety. Even after switching to automatic I was not making any progress so I gave that up a while ago. I was hoping that he would help teach me how to drive but he didn't.

About a year ago I started to go to the gym which I love so much. Lifting weights is so much fun. I lost weight and felt a bit more confident, but not much. At first I didn't care about the other men at the gym, but after a while I found myself noticing them more. There is something attractive about a man who looks after himself. My boyfriend on the other hand doesn't look after himself. I thought that me going to the gym would make him want to do the same, but it didn't. I can't hold that against him though I suppose, as it's not for everyone. And he did used to get his exercise in by working on the building site. I honestly just got a bit frustrated when he would send me selfies of him with a messy beard that he hadn't groomed. Meanwhile I am shaving and putting makeup on, trying to look half decent.

So yeah. Recently I just find myself not being sure of the relationship. I have posted on here recently about my worries, and he saw the post. I was saying about how I wasn't sure I find him attractive anymore. I feel so horrible that he saw that because now he is really worried about his appearance. He has started working out, he is eating smaller portions and grooming himself. He knows I am not sure about the relationship and my heart isn't in it like it used to be. So now after lockdown he is going to look for a better paid job. He has finally paid his debt off. He says he wants to move out of his Dad's place and I am welcome to live with him if I decide I still want to.

I'm really frustrated because I just feel like if he had paid this debt off sooner we could have moved up North and we wouldn't be in this situation. I really am in no hurry to leave him, I do love him and he makes me feel so loved and secure, and that is especially important for someone who has had a traumatic childhood as I have done. I do love him but I feel like the passion has died. We never really dated, he didn't plan dates but he said after lockdown he wants to plan more. He is doing everything right to change his ways, but I feel guilty that he feels the need to do that after reading my thoughts on Reddit. He is heartbroken. He said he was looking at rings for Valentine's Day but they were out of his price range at the moment.

So I really don't know what to do. Even a house share is so expensive in my part of the country. And I'm worried about what his family will say if I move out and live somewhere without him. His family think we are going to move up North asap but I just don't know what I want anymore. I'm scared that part of me is just self-sabotaging, because I'm scared of moving out and having a stable life with him? All I know is I can't stand being at home any longer. It's so frustrating that houseshares would cost me half of my wages (I earn minimum wage in a care home). I have severe social anxiety I don't think I could cope with sharing a bathroom and kitchen with other people. I am the sort to hide in my bedroom when people are around. I don't want to be the quiet awkward hermit of a housemate. Can anyone offer me any advice please?