Dealing with repercussions

Wolfssenger · 2018-10-07T21:07:50+00:00

Trusting a woman is either a very hard or very dangerous thing for men to do in modern times. Gaining a man's trust in the first place can be a daunting task in and of itself, especially if he has any degree of self awareness.

Breaching that trust once it has been(often painstakingly) given is the greatest and deepest fear of any man in a relationship, and in my eyes at least warrants immediate dissolution, even of a marriage. As some have pointed out before, it is impossible for some men to forgive, but not all are so steadfast.

I'm telling you this because you have to first identify why you cheated, because if you don't address that first and this man gives you his trust once again and you once again break it, you will have committed a great injustice and created an unwavering enemy.

You need to first introspect and understand why you acted the way you did, and establish measures to combat it. After that, if you wish to gain his trust you must control your emotions and be better to him than you ever have before. You're going to have to be prepared to be rebuffed a few times and not be dissuaded or show signs of it, however it is incredibly difficult for men to resist women they find attractive. While you are fighting against an egregiously painful memory, you can likely regain his trust to some extent through sheer attrition.

Let this be a lesson. Good luck.

ManguZa · 2018-10-07T10:43:33+00:00

It's hard (some would say impossible) to gain back the trust and desire of your SO after cheating. You're responsible that he don't talk to you anymore, not him. He would probably prefer to talk to you like before but his feelings don't allow him. So work on yourself (do things for him, be pleasant, stfu...) to gain back that trust rather than trying to convince him with words.

girlwithabike · 2018-10-07T12:20:04+00:00

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't think that his lie is really what is causing you so much distress.

I think you are focusing on the lie (which, from your description sounds like he omitted the fact that he hung out with an old friend? something fairly mild) because maybe you feel guilty for having lied yourself? And perhaps you are fearful of having the tables turned on you?

I didn't know how to tell him I was sad because of how he thought of me. Not because he went out.

If this is how you felt then this is what you should tell him. But are you sure you weren't actually afraid of what his quiet visit to his friend meant? It's not uncommon for someone who has cheated to project those motivations onto their partner.

You seem all twisted up and I think you need to be honest with yourself about a few things:

What ended the relationships to begin with and is it actually salvageable. I'm all for trying to save a relationship, particularly a 6 year one. However, it's also true that it's much harder to split up if you live together. It becomes more complicated and it's easy to be complacent. Do some soul searching about what you can change and what you want out of the relationship. And what made you have the emotional affair in the first place.

Are you actually upset that he's keeping things from you or you afraid of what this represents? If you are really afraid that he sees you differently, well yes, he probably does. However, this is something you can resolve to fix about yourself and be better. He may never be able to forgive you for cheating, that's a risk you take when you cheat, but if you become a better person and a better girlfriend then you either save this relationship or have improved yourself for the next guy. If you are afraid that his lies mean he's going to go off and cheat then you have bigger trust issues than the fact that he's keeping his whereabouts from you.

What is the reason you are hiding your feelings? Hiding anything at this point is not going to help you to rebuild trust with him. There is vulnerability about being honest but you might have to take that leap to avoid further fighting.

suzannehatton · 2018-10-07T07:03:12+00:00

Im new here and very new to red pill but this is my take on this:

There must have been a problem in your relationship if you have looked for intimacy elsewhere. What are the problems? You have mentioned there is a problem with the sex. I'm not excusing what you did, but wallowing in guilt won't help. Instead you must start being honest with yourself. Your bf will respect you more if you can do this. Part of loving him is accepting his flaws but that doesn't mean REPRESSING your feeling towards them. Accepting is completely different. And before you can accept the problems you must start being honest with yourself about what they actually are.

sanasigma · 2018-10-07T04:20:08+00:00

Wait for others opinion on this. But here is my opinion. Something similar happened to me. I distanced myself away from my ex-gf slowly and i started looking for other girls. I moved out and I have never felt this good. Hope she is doing fine as well.

Pixie0310 · 2018-10-07T11:30:32+00:00

It sounds like you are in a really emotionally place right now, and that can start to do a lot of damage if you aren't careful. You might feel justified in your sadness or disappointment, but it's really not entirely fair to make it his problem.

You have to find a way to step back from all your feelings before they bog down the relationship further. It sounds to me like there's a risk he will start to see you as needy and controlling. I see that you aren't trying to be that way - you just prefer he is honest with you. But the way you are approaching it, it is going to read like you are being whiny and bossy.

Even if you are disappointed or sad, you have to deal with it like an adult. Take a deep breath and realise people will sometimes let you down or do things you don't want them to. He did come to you and tell you the truth, and even told you why he was afraid to be honest. The best thing you could've done would have been to calmly thank him for being honest, and reassure him that you prefer he is up-front with you. The more approachable you are - the easier you make it for him to tell you whatever truth he wants to tell you - the more he will do so. You basically reacted in a wrong way to being told the truth, but are trying to argue to him that you wouldn't react the wrong way to being told a different truth. He isn't going to see that, he's just going to see a person who he can't be honest with, without them getting upset. It becomes easier to just lie.

Try to be positive and loving, even if it's hard. People rise to our expectations. Assuming you want to stay in and repair the relationship, you have to put a lot of optimism, trust, and love into it. And you will have to learn to deal with the negativity inside yourself, rather than bringing it all to him. Are you able to do that? Otherwise, the relationship could fall apart further.

Title	Dealing with repercussions
Author	improvementchick
Upvotes	5
Comments	13
Date	October 6, 2018 11:18 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9m0jro/dealing_with_repercussions/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/dealing-with-repercussions.67682 https://theredarchive.com/post/67682

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