Save time, energy and emotions. From my experience it usually gets WAY WORSE, not even a little better.

PrincessTiaraLove

March 6, 2020

319 upvotes

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Title	Save time, energy and emotions. From my experience it usually gets WAY WORSE, not even a little better.
Author	PrincessTiaraLove
Upvotes	319
Comments	12
Date	March 6, 2020 10:04 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fel3hz/save_time_energy_and_emotions_from_my_experience/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/save-time-energy-and-emotions-from-my-experience.680748 https://theredarchive.com/post/680748

[–][deleted] 52 points53 points54 points 6 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]InayahDaneenFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]PrincessTiaraLove[S] 9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]magfrank112FDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

So I don't have any studies but, this is a re-occuring theme in a lot of self help.

I did find this article though https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/time-out/201202/the-power-absence

Because most long term change on the part of someone only comes from them when they decide that they need to change. People decide to change when they either realize that their current situation is no longer bearable, or if their current situation radically changes due to their own actions, or actions of external forces.

Basically people/animals do not feel a desire to change unless they are trying to escape an uncomfortable situation.

When it gets cold you either suffer through it in hopes of adapting (no change.) or you get up and go somewhere warm (inside), or you bring something to you that helps you handle the cold (blankey).

You removing yourself from someone who treats you poorly, if they valued you, makes them want you back. If they know that they created an environment that you were uncomfortable in, they will either have a gradual or radical acceptance that they cannot change whatever it was about them that caused you to leave, it will make them want to change in order to bring you back. OR if your boundaries are easily broken, or possibly negotiated, they will either ask or manipulate you to change your boundaries. It's basically a boundary negotiation.

This is why pick up artists suggest using abandonment as a tool to motivate women to do what they want.

Example: Man says/implies/ect that he expects sex from a relationship. The woman says she's not sure. The man says it's OK but then proceeds to not give her attention/good treatment. The woman, having grown accustomed to a certain standard of the man's attention, then wants to get that standard back. She then thinks that because his abandonment happened directly after her not giving in to sex, if she gives in, that it will bring him back. She does it, then he proceeds to take advantage of this and not give her back the original treatment. His boundary negation is that he is only willing to be with a woman who is willing to forfeit her own boundaries.

Example: A woman often disrespects her partner. The partner tells her he doesn't like it. The woman says. OK, then leave. The man is afraid that he won't be happy without the woman, so he stays, even though it goes against his boundary. He forefits his own boundary to stay with her.

Example: A man asks a woman if she will go on vacation with her. She tells him that she would really like to, but she cannot afford it (her absence from his proposed vacation) he can if he would like, decide to pay for her part of the vacation. He may have a job that on its own he can't afford to cover her, but decides to do overtime to help pay for her part.

Other examples:

A person is fired from his job for not following the company rules (boundaries) he is then fired. At his next job, he realizes that he does not want the same thing to happen. He decides to follow the companies rules (boundaries). Yes, he may not be able to get the original job back, but it teaches him how to behave.

It's also why people experience life change after the loss of someone they love. Death is a huge catalyst for change in people who depended on or loved that person.

This is just stuff that I have rattling around in my head and not based on anything in particular:

I think for some reason also, women are better at the "acceptance" phase, and men MAY be better? OR maybe just more willing to fulfill the "action" phase.

This may be why after a break up, women are more likely to have moved on, where as men are more likely to develop a "the one that got away" feeling, sometimes for years.

There's that phrase that's like "you show people how to treat you." and I think LEAVING in response to them mistreating you is the loudest message you can give them. It says "I do not enable this behavior, so either change, or find someone else who WILL put up with your shit."

[–]magfrank112FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Blue85HeronFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]ivy176FDS Disciple3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

There's a good acronym that goes with this: "don't JADE" Justify, argue, defend, or explain. It originated from Loved one's of Addicts/Alcoholics culture (I forget the name of it) . Basically, addicts will do ANY and everything to defend their behavior. Because of that, they will fight any Justification, argument, ect that you give them. They will gaslight you. This also works with Narcissists.

They will often "DARVO" "Deny, attack and reverse victim and offender."

Basically they will emotionally abuse/manipulate you out of arguing with them.

But, if you instead REMOVE YOURSELF and refuse to acknowledge them until they behave in a way that respects your boundaries, there's no way for them to get what they want from you.

However, with people who are master manipulators, it's always just best to cut them off and not look back. If you're afraid that they will manage to manipulate you, it's not worth hanging around to give them a chance.

[–]ana-moss-cityFDS Newbie-3 points-2 points-1 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]LeftistEpicureFDS Disciple0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

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