I lost my virginity at 24. I never had sex before that age because I wanted my first time to be with a guy who really cared about me and loved me. But then I got depressed because I kept meeting these trash men who just wanted to manipulate me into sex that I lost all hope. I thought to myself that now its ridiculous to be a 24 year old virgin who still waits for the right guy. I thought that its too late now, so I might as well loose my v card with someone I consider attractive before its too late for that too. So I had sex with a guy I had a crush on for two years, even tough I knew he was trash and was pressuring me for sex before (he knew I was a virgin). And I still decided to have sex with him half a year later. Yep, thats what low self esteem and social conditioning will do to you. Normalising being treated like a sex object by men and going along with it. He was very inconsiderate and rough, it really hurt, and when he finished he just rolled over and fell asleep. Zero consideration for my pleasure. He wanted to stay in touch but i cut off ties with him several days after. Something worth mentioning is that I was on antidepressants at that time and I smoked a lot of weed, so I was heavily disconnected from my emotions. If I was connected to my emotions back then, they would hold me back from doing shit I would regret later. But I was numb zombie on SRRI and i thought it wasnt a big deal. Only when I got off them about two years ago I started regreting my actions immensely. To this day Im sometimes angry and I cry about it.He was such an asshole he didnt care to be gentle with me. But thats what guys do and I shouldnt be suprised. Im angry at myself. Im angry that I gave my body to some asshole for nothing but physical and emotional pain. I hate myself. 2 months later after losing my virginity I had another one night stand while I was still on medication. Im a massive idiot, I know. I just wanted to forget about sex with my crush, so I did another awfully stupid thing. He was actually far more considerate, and put in effort for me to come but I couldnt (later i learned it was because of ssri, but of course my psychiatrist didnt tell me about this side effect) but I still felt regret after. I thought whats wrong with me?? Sleeping casually with guys is considered cool and normal, my friends do it so it should be okay. However I felt nothing but regret and disgust with myself. I cut off ties with that guy as well . It was my second and last time having sex. Now its been 3 years with no sex, kissing or dating. Im now focusing on my hobbies and career. I prefer to be celibate than to be around fuckboys again. Im afraid I will never get to meet good guy, so I prefer to not date at all for now. I just dont want to not make stupid mistakes because of my low self esteem and loneliness. I still regret my decisions to this day. I cant forgive myself. Giving your body away to some fuckboy really eats your soul. But guys want casual sex for zero effort so its normalised and considered cool even though it does mental damage to majority of women. Now that ive seen the truth I cant fathom being okay with having sex with someone who sees you as a toy. How is that healthy or cool? I remember one time a guy tried to manipulate me into sex by saying that society has done damage to women by holding them back from having casual sex. I just laughed at that idiot. „Feminist” fuckboys who want to liberate women (only for casual sex, mind you) are the worst kind. If you are twenty something virgin please remember that its better to stay that way until its the right moment with the right person. Its not because you have to stay „pure” for the guy. I honestly find the idea disgusting that you should preserve your virginity for men just because they feel entitled to it (while they would fuck anything that moves and spread STDs without any care) You should do it for you, for your mental health, for your self worth. There is nothing empowering about being treated like an object. Sorry for the long rant, I just wanted to get it all off my chest.