Here I present some differences between my current HV boyfriend (H) who I acquired after learning to truly value myself and applying FDS, and my LV ex-boyfriend (S). This is rough description about them, their mannerisms, how they made/make me feel.

  • I met H at dance class. H crossed the room for me. H has a good job. He is confident in himself. He listens to me and makes me feel heard. He constantly tries to impress me. He has never said anything negative about me. He respects my physical and sexual boundaries. He did not complain, act passive aggressive, or change his behavior when I made him wait (roughly two and a half months) to have sex with me. When I told him he had to be tested before we had sex he, again, did not complain, etc. He agreed it promptly and did it promptly without attitude. H holds my hand, opens doors for me, and is a gentleman. He is interested in my life. He is concerned with my concerns. H respects his mother and has female friends. H makes me feel respected and safe. I never feel violated, used, or sad after having sex with H. He holds me after sex until we fall asleep. H keeps his apartment clean and enjoys cooking dinner for me. H asks me what I'm comfortable and uncomfortable with. H has a wide social group and enjoys doing various activities with me.
  • I met S online. S had low self-confidence. S never listened to me and I often felt unheard. S crossed my sexual boundaries from the beginning. I overlooked various red flags to to naivety and being love-bombed. S cheated on me and had inappropriate conversations with other women. I asked S to get tested repeatedly after the cheating and he never did. Towards the last year of our relationship, S negged me. S would text me incessantly when I was not around him. S displayed sexually abusive and emotionally abusive behavior. S made me feel like an sex object and infantilized me. I felt used and gross after sex with S. After sex, S would roll over, play on his phone, then fall asleep. S was not concerned with the hardships in my life. S did not treat his mother well. S did not clean, cook, or help me with any domestic chores. S did not ever want to go out. He preferred watching YouTube videos about Star Wars and Marvel in his free time. Although S had an incredibly good career and made good money, he was lazy at his work. S made me feel anxious, sad, and suicidal.

There are clearly integral differences between H and S. Personally, I believe self-confidence plays a huge role in a man's ability to be HV. A confident man will be secure in himself. However an insecure man, like S, will act out in insecurity, whether that be cheating, negging, or other extreme behavior.

Another difference between the two was how they made me feel sexually. As I mentioned above, S made me feel sexually objectified. He pushed and violated my physical boundaries. H, on the other hand, is respectful and sensitive to what I don't like. With S, I would have to tell him repeatedly not to do something, only for him to argue with me about it, pout, gas light me, and then do it anyways. With H, I barely have to adjust his hand and he picks up on it immediately.

Also, it's important to note that your own behavior has an effect on how men treat you. S was a piece of shit and would be apiece of shit regardless. However, with H, if I had approached him as a Pickmeisha or a Doormatâ„¢ instead of a Queen, he would not be as great to me. Right off the bat, I showed him that I expected to be respected. I'm not going to go on and on about how I did it, because there's a whole side bar for that, but just keep in mind that your behavior plays a role.

Last but not least, don't ever fall into the trap of thinking any man is different. A HVM is still a man and AMALT. The moment you give in, think "he's different", give your everything to him, you are fucked. Keep an emotional distance between you and your man. Despite how good he seems, he could swipe the rug from beneath you at any moment.