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cupcakezncookiez
[–][deleted] 93 points94 points95 points 6 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Dysfunctional people think confrontation means conflict.
They’re incapable of receiving information that they don’t like without somehow escalating the issue to a full-blown argument.
I used to operate in a very similar way, and so did the partners I chose. I learned through therapy that I was modelling my own family dysfunction.
Hurt =/= harm.
I had to repeat mantras that I am capable of receiving/delivering information that may be hurtful but does not ultimately cause harm.
[–]Tar_alcaranFDS Newbie28 points29 points30 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Similarly: children fight, adults discuss.
Just because someone says something unpleasant doesn't mean they're wrong.
[–]pinkliquorFDS Newbie25 points26 points27 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It’s also not healthy to feel like you can’t talk about how you’re feeling. But that’s what happens with a toxic partner. I bottled up all my emotions in my last relationship because I was too afraid of causing a fight or him saying something that would just make me feel worse.
[–][deleted] 15 points16 points17 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
"A Divine partner." That sounds heavenly.
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Where they at?
[–]osweIIFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 6 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Ladies, how can I be better at this? I don’t want to be the toxic partner but I have such trouble with conflict and deal with it by always being upset. :(((
[–]Trinamopsy12 points13 points14 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I have struggled with this for a long time. This is what has helped me.
2- meditate/pray. These activities help you set aside your immediate response in favor of calmly thinking it through.
3 - I learned this from reading about a new anger management approach. Traditional anger management (counting to 10) has an extremely high recidivism rate (it works for less than 20% of the people who need anger management). The new method was to superimpose the face of someone you love, or just the word LOVE, over the person making you angry. Remind yourself of love whenever you are upset. This made the biggest difference for me.
The most important ingredient in making change is the will to do so. Good luck!
[–]viper8472FDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It depends on what you mean by "deal with it by being upset." What is the behavior you're trying to change? Crying is kinda normal and not toxic. Yelling, name calling or destroying property is toxic. You can't control how you feel but you can control your behavior.
Be careful if you are the more passive partner worrying about how often your partner makes you upset, and you're trying to be more chill. (Cool girl/pick me) Your partner shouldn't be making you upset that often, or you're in a relationship that is probably not a good fit for you.
For example if you are very straightforward if being cheated on because you had been in the past, dating someone who has a ton of girl friends in his life is maybe not the best fit for you if it is triggering you constantly. That doesn't make either of you wrong, it's just a bad match. I dated a drug addict once, and I can't date someone who does drugs recreationally- not because it's wrong to do drugs, but because that's a trigger for me and it freaks me out. Recreational users are a bad match for me even if they are a good person. I also can't date someone who engages in too much banter because I was in a verbally abusive relationship. These things may be ok for someone else but I am particularly sensitive in some areas and don't want a relationship full of conflict.
It's about finding the right fit as much as it is about getting over your personal problems. Honestly some problems you will always have, so you might just need to find someone who isn't constantly upsetting you.
I think one of the pieces of advice that backfired the most for me was the idea of "working on relationship problems." Dude. When you find someone who isn't a selfish asshole, 99% of your problems are gone. "Working on problems" is overrated.
[–]ms_monquisFDS Disciple6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
One of the first things I do when I'm struggling with a situation or behavior is to ask myself what I would tell a good friend if she were in the same position. I would tell someone I love to listen for — and hear — useful criticism, to remember that you CAN be upset/unhappy with a person/situation without hating them or blowing it up or running away. Think about what happens at work, for instance, or with a sibling — you've conflicted before and made it through okay, sometimes even improved. Isn't always easy when you haven't gotten good modeling, but knowing what you should do, what you want, can sometimes help you (me!) intellectually muscle through.
[–]minkeyayeFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It's helpful (for me) to imagine you are being recorded or filmed, that way you don't say something you'll regret. A bit like watching yourself in a movie, it has the effect of taking you out of your head so you can control your emotions.
Asking yourself "how would ___ act in this situation?" puts you in the character of an emotionally mature person. Fake it till you make it, as they say. Which is why it's so important to have mentors, good role models, and friends whom you admire. How would your sexy, confident friend act in this situation?
Also, another suggestion is to put yourself in your partner's head space. Why did they act like that, why do they think like that? Most of the time it is not to hurt you, it has nothing to do with you. The fact that you're upset about someone's actions is your responsibility, just like their feelings are not your responsibility (within reason, of course! You should both still try to honor your relationship at all times).
[–]pokinthecrazyFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You can be upset. But you want to ask for some time before you respond and you use that time to really sit with your feelings and figure out what is causing them and what assumptions are you making to have your feelings become oversized for the situation.
Practice makes perfect on this. You have to do the work and you do have to want to do the work of being very introspective and figuring why small things have an oversized emotional impact.
[–]Halofriend101FDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
YES!
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[–][deleted] 93 points94 points95 points
(0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Tar_alcaranFDS Newbie28 points29 points30 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]pinkliquorFDS Newbie25 points26 points27 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 15 points16 points17 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]osweIIFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]Trinamopsy12 points13 points14 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]viper8472FDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ms_monquisFDS Disciple6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]minkeyayeFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]pokinthecrazyFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Halofriend101FDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link