Forgiveness and TRP.

Archwinger · 2013-09-30T17:43:58+00:00

Something doesn't compute. A woman doesn't just up and confess about being attracted to someone else if she never did anything. You're attracted to other people all the time. So is your woman.

She did something. Maybe sex, maybe not. Maybe planned on sex then one of them chickened out, maybe kissing, touching. Who knows. But she did something. Something bad. Something you'd be really pissed about if she'd told you everything. She did not just talk to some other guy about her feelings, feel some spark of attraction, then come to tell you about it. Telling you what she's telling you now is some kind of manipulation. It's not guilt and fear of losing you that's driving her. It's a need to feel validated, like what she did wasn't wrong and that she's powerful and can get away with it, and you staying with her validates it.

I don't know your wife. Maybe she's special, maybe you are. But this situation doesn't pass the smell test.

realniggasstandup · 2013-09-30T17:06:28+00:00

Sounds like you're a softy and didn't grill her enough.

She (supposedly) hasn't had sex with anyone else. Athol's advice was that there would be no reason for her to air her dirty laundry with me and confess yet leave out critical details. After many weeks of grilling her, I do believe her.

What type of grilling?

Stayinghereforreal · 2013-09-30T16:43:02+00:00

Emotional affair. What exactly does that mean here?

jazida · 2013-09-30T19:00:54+00:00

I know a lot of people are telling me to just get out. I want to do that, too. That's my gut impulse decision. I'm trying to be smart, maybe I'm just talking myself out of the right choice. Logic as follows:

I've invested a lot into this relationship, in developing shared memories and giving leadership support.
Pair bonding is strong.
Family implications. Fall out from networks from my family that are very traditional and potential sources of funding for future ventures.
AWALT. No matter who I find this will happen to some degree, I may just not find out.
Another girl will just buy a few months or a year of time before more drama happens. A string of MTRs isn't a goal of mine.
Dogs: I know they're not kids, but I feel an incredible amount of loyalty and love for our dogs.

RedBigMan · 2013-09-30T22:46:47+00:00

Forgive but never forget. There is a saying 'Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me'.

1) LTR/Marriage requires some Alpha and some Beta qualities to be successful in the long term. You may have been acting too Alpha as you say. Lets say you are 90% Alpha, perhaps toning it down to 80% might be the ideal level for the long term.

2) Traditional Culture is always good. Though consider the cost of Divorce now vs the cost of Divorce 10 years from now.

3) Show her you are attached in appropriately Alpha ways. Say you feel like a steak at your favorite restaurant. Just spontaneously tell her to get ready to go out.

4 & 5) Trickle truth is probably still there. She probably did not confess everything but she probably is not lying about not having sex. I'm willing to bet it was probably something like a kiss or something which is why she felt guilty enough to tell you about the 'emotional affair'. Remember that she probably considered an affair because she perceived the other guy as higher value than you before you began your own self improvement. When you started improving yourself your value surpassed his so she came crawling back.

6) Awesome. Always nice when they're enthusiastic right?

7) Do you want a baby? That's the big thing. She might see it in a soap opera way as a way to tie you to her for the next 20 years.

8) Always nice having a woman who keeps the house in order.

Right now I am not talking with her. Which is an intuitive response that isn't beta enough. I have a hard time adding beta tendencies to my repertoire.

When in doubt going with the Alpha response is never the wrong decision! That said as you add some beta tendencies into your repertoire you have to only do such in reward for good behavior by your woman. As well you need to make sure you are consciously doing it because it may be controversial but a beta move in a LTR/Marriage when done consciously as a reward can in fact be semi-Alpha in and of itself.

vengefully_yours · 2013-10-01T04:29:00+00:00

Three years ago my now ex wife did something similar. She had a "friend" online and she started spending more time talking to him, keeping things from me, not wanting me around, and shit like that. I addressed the problem kicked her out for a while and made her deal with her parents and having no money.

Guess what? She decided this time to go ahead and fuck a kid who is 7 years younger than her, and 20 younger than me. Know what both guys have in common? They are both complete losers. One is a meth addict, the latest lives with his dad, cant keep a job because everyone loathes him, and her parents cant stand him.

If she is going to do it, then she is going to go fuck some guy when she gets the chance. First wife did it too. Fucked her best friend's husband, and they lived across the street from us. I had kids with that twat, so I got wallet raped. This one is costing me, but I am making my life better in spite of her bullshit.

I can forgive once, but when they lie to me again and run off with someone then expect me to pay for everything, fuck no. Have a nice time fucking your loser bitch.

jazida · 2013-09-30T17:28:15+00:00

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Doomsday_ · 2013-10-01T01:17:31+00:00

She definitely cheated. Once a cheater always a cheater. You'll never be able to trust her again. Best to cut and run now, before you have kids (or you end up raising some other guy's kids).

jazida · 2013-09-30T18:28:34+00:00

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LostProsody · 2013-09-30T18:42:38+00:00

"I'm at a loss here. Betrayal is sensitive to me. I went through betrayal from family members as a child. It's hard for me to let go."

This is a good issue for you to work on. Improve yourself in this area. You aren't going to be able to "fix" her or change her behavior, but you can improve upon yourself.

If you can redefine your operational definition of betrayal, decrease your sensitivity to it, or accept that betrayal is a human trait that every one gets to experience you can start to reprogram yourself to not give a shit about what happened.

I've experienced a similar situation. It took time and open yet directive communication to neutralize the problem.

If you don't provide emotional support then acknowledge this often and suggest alternatives. Tell her you understand she is upset, but you can't help her. Then give her another command like - call your sister, or that emotional tampon she cheated on you with (take his power away by verbally acknowledging, labeling, and dismissing him).

Physical "betrayal" is a trickier problem. I've reframed my point of view on this substantially. Suggest that she's free to explore other men, because A) you're gone and you acknowledge that women need physical contact (tell her why she does it), and B) you have no doubt that you are better than anyone she could meet anyway (tell her you are better). It might be a lie, but it gives you power over the situation (real or imaginary). Hearing yourself say these things out loud is important for both you and her.

Finally quit "grilling" her. Even if you care. Dwelling only adds emphasis/reinforces this behavior. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. She will likely do this again. Learn to not give a shit. Tell her you don't give a shit. Don't give any more shits. It will spin her head.

This is all anecdotal, but it worked for my situation.

Title	Forgiveness and TRP.
Author	jazida
Upvotes	13
Comments	43
Date	September 30, 2013 4:32 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/1ng4v0/forgiveness_and_trp/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/forgiveness-and-trp.6956 https://theredarchive.com/post/6956

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