My last BF really fucked me up. It ended a year ago. He was the first one I was in love with. He seemed perfect but he was emotionally abusive which took a while to come to terms with because it wasn’t on purpose and I didn’t realize at the time that’s what it was. I thought he was the one. I had never fallen in love before. It was an amazing 9 months but he broke up with me after a major event (I’m ashamed of). He met a lot of my standards. I’m still upset I didn’t breakup with him after the 100th insult or him bringing up something painful maliciously. I should have left way before.

Anyway, he was the first boyfriend I ever opened up to about the shit I’ve been through and am currently going through. None of my exes knew me that well because I hid it from them and made sure to act a certain way to hide it. None of my friends know either. I don’t open up. So the first boyfriend I opened up to about everything, made me feel like absolute shit about it. I already have self-loathing and other issues but he made it much worse. He made me feel so bad about my life. And a year on, I still feel like shit about those things.

Now I’m scared that I have to find someone who fits my standards AND who won’t run away when they find out the real me. I don’t even like the real me. I’m an amazing girlfriend though, I’ve never been broken up with before this and it’s always hard for them to let go. I shouldn’t have standards because there’s no way I fit anyone’s standards.

I’m terrified to date anyone. Ive been avoiding it. I’m constantly thinking about the fact they will leave me once they know the real me. I just want to find someone to love all of me. As I am. Accepting my past and present and I feel like that will never happen.