DATING A GAMER - WHY IT’S A PROBLEM

I dated a “gamer” aka a video game addict for over a year. It was a difficult experience, and I unfortunately fell for a lot of the excuses, gaslighting, and blame shifting. If you are having any issues with a gamer, please read and know you are not alone and you are NOT the problem.

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What is the difference between “a man who games” and a “gamer?

  • A “man who games” is someone that plays in his free time. He has already taken care of work, his professional responsibilities, his family, his fitness and health, his significant other, etc. Gaming is seen and a fun pastime, a way to chill with some friends, etc. They view gaming as a way to relax, like someone may watch reality tv after a huge test or presentation. They may love to play, but they can easily turn the game off if something important comes up. It’s used as a source of entertainment, nothing else.
  • A “gamer” is someone who defines themselves by their gaming. His gaming comes first, and he views gaming as his HOBBY. It is a source of not only entertainment, but a main source of happiness, validation, socialization, and meaning. A “gamer” places gaming at or near the top of their priority list. They may ignore or neglect important, normal parts of adult life for games, such as their relationship, their home, their career, their pets, their sleep, etc. They do not just game, they also watch tournaments, go to conventions, keep up with gaming subreddits, and hang out with other gamers. While a “man who games” may play a few hours a week, a “gamer” plays a minimum of 10-15 hours a week. It is common for a gamer to play 20-40 hours a week.

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Why is gaming different from any other hobby?

  • Many people claim that gaming is just like every other hobby. While gaming can absolutely be a normal hobby, it’s not like painting or gardening or wood-working or running. What makes videos different from any of these hobbies is the fact that they are DESIGNED to be addictive. There’s nothing intrinsically addictive about painting, but the journey of getting better is a great feeling, even though it requires patience and failure to excel. Gaming, however, is DESIGNED to produce dopamine and rewards. While painting may take years to ever receive a reward, gaming can give you rewards after a stressful situation, which sucks you into a cycle of stress, dopamine, and reward.
  • This addictive cycle of gaming is like sugar. I’ll use sugary soda in this example. Sodas are specifically designed to be addictive. Regular hobbies, like painting, are like fresh produce. It may not be as exciting, but they have great long-term benefits. Games are like sodas. Games/Soda CAN be consumed with moderation and have little to no negative impact on health/life, and can be enjoyed and add to life in a positive way. However, it requires great willpower, self awareness, and a dedication to long-term goals to actively OVERCOME something that is DESIGNED to be addictive. There’s NO problem with a responsible, self-aware person who enjoys gaming. But often,
  • Just because we have accepted that Soda is normal doesn’t mean that Soda is healthy. Just because “binge drinking in college” is normal doesn’t make it healthy. Soda and Alcohol can be healthy in moderation, but the “normal” amounts of drinking soda and alcohol we do is unhealthy. It’s just like gaming. Just because it’s “normal” for men to game a lot and that there is a huge culture around it, doesn't make it healthy. Anything that is DESIGNED to be addictive is going to be difficult to moderate without intention. And many use “well it’s normal” to validate their excessive consumption. Some even surround themselves with people who enable their consumption in order to “normalize” their behavior.
  • Someone may say they just really love games / enjoy strategy / are competitive. Why do we see men play 15-20 hours a week on video games, but not 15-20 hours playing chess? Isn’t just about competition and strategy? No. This is what makes video games different from every other hobby / game: They are DESIGNED to be addictive, and MARKETED to men at an age where they are most likely to become addicted.

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Gaming Addiction - Is it real?

  • Someone can say in college that “they love drinking” at college frat parties and it’s just how they “have fun.” But it starts to become a problem if they can only have fun if they are drinking. It becomes a problem when they continue to binge drink often. It becomes a problem when drinking becomes a priority.
  • This is similar to gaming. Many will deny that gaming addiction exists. It is a common idea on reddit that excessive gaming is normal because they all do it. But it is ABSOLUTELY possible to become addicted. ANYTHING that gives someone an easy “escape” from real life, problems, difficult emotions, etc, can become addictive. Why? Because of the dopamine.
  • One 1998 study showed that video games raise the level of dopamine in the brain by about 100 percent, roughly the same increase triggered by sex. (And that was nearly 20 years ago — today’s games have evolved far beyond what was available then.)
  • Look at the HUNDREDS of posts from women who are dating men who prioritize games over them. There is story after story after story about women who have dealt with this problem. Countless relationships and marriages end because of this issue. How many stories do you hear about women frustrated with their husband’s painting addiction? Or their running addiction? Or their cooking addiction? It’s not just a coincidence that countless women feel overshadowed by their gamer boyfriends.
  • Someone who dates a “runner” will understand that their partner needs to go train. But does a runner call home and change plans to say “just 10 more minutes of running! Just ten more minutes!” and then keep going for another hour? The problem isn’t about the hobby or the time it takes. The problem is the inability to WALK AWAY from the activity. And the consistent theme in gaming addiction is the inability to walk away from it.

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Gaming Addiction - How does it start?

  • Many people turn to games to destress
  • If you like your job, but had a big presentation that was stressful, you can wind down with some video games. That’s not the problem.
  • If you are bored at work every day and not succeeding the way you had hoped, you COULD search for a new job, find new skills, work towards a promotion, leave to become self-employed, find a new industry, go back to school, etc. Nobody is bound to an unfulfilling life.
  • HOWEVER….many times, men in these situations use gaming to “destress” or “wind down.” The problem is that they aren’t destressing. They are AVOIDING.
  • Gaming becomes a problem when someone is avoiding problems, escaping reality, or wishing their virtual life was better than their real life. Instead of facing their boredom at work, they come home and get hits of dopamine on their game. Instead of learning a new skill to help them excel at work, they work on a skill in a game that is more straightforward and easier to adopt. Instead of working hard for a promotion, they try to get a high rank in the game. Their virtual world has more order, faster ways to excel, faster and more regular reward systems, and extremely high levels of dopamine, like a high, every-time you do well. Suddenly, it doesn’t matter that normal life sucks, VIRTUAL life is suddenly more fulfilling.
  • When someone puts more effort into VIRTUAL life than in REAL life, it has become an ADDICTION.

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Why LVM and Gamers go hand-in-hand

  • Escapism - Needs to escape and avoid issues instead of addressing problems
  • Victim Mentality - Blame others instead of taking responsibility for their life
  • Addictive Personality - won’t want to step away if you need something
  • Selfish - will resent you for expecting ANYTHING that takes him away from gaming
  • Stagnant - they focus so much on games that they won’t be growing in real life
  • Pessimistic - they believe life sucks, and believe the only way to deal with it is to escape
  • Low Confidence - needs video game rewards to feel good about oneself
  • Substances - gamers are often also heavy users of weed and energy drinks
  • Misogyny - gaming culture is often riddled with sexism, and they are exposed to that often
  • Immature - someone that values pixels over the emotions and well-being of their partner has an immature view of relationships and the world

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Is my boyfriend a gaming addict?

  • A gaming-addict may not fit the “living in parent’s basement” stereotype. They may have a job, a workout regimen, some responsibility at home. But, they are doing the bare minimum. Sure, they aren’t living in their parent’s basement. But are they putting ANY extra effort into life?
  • Signs to look for:
    • He puts MORE effort into their virtual life than in REAL life has a problem.
    • He puts more effort into their strategy to advance rank than their effort to advance at work
    • He does more socializing through gaming than in real life
    • He talks about buying a house, switching jobs, going to grad school, but put NO effort in
    • He isn’t involved in ANYTHING outside of work (no sports, no clubs, nothing that has weekly or monthly meetings, no professional organizations. These all take away time from gaming).
    • He talks a lot about his gaming achievements but little about his life achievements
    • He is unfulfilled by his life/job/situation, but spends at least 15+ hours a week gaming (instead of working towards a better situation).
    • He wants to spend all of your time together at HIS place so he can hop onto a game quickly
    • He spends a lot of time watching gaming tournaments and reading gaming reddit pages, but doesn’t read or watch much else (except anime).
    • He gets defensive if you question the amount he plays.
    • He has problems sleeping after gaming for long periods of time
    • He says “just 5 more minutes” or “just one more game” more than once
    • He has a gaming chair, gaming keyboard, gaming mouse, gaming desktop, gaming headphones, and continues to spend money on these things
    • He has logged at least 1000 hours into a single game
    • There is a difference between “I like to run” and “I’m a runner.” Listen to a man and see if they DEFINE themselves by gaming, or if it’s just something they just do?

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Is gaming ruining our relationship? Signs:

  • You feel neglected and ignored
  • He plays video games for long periods of time while you are over at his place
  • He barely adjusts his game-play time to make time for you
  • If his friends want to play, he almost always says yes
  • He doesn't plan anything with you, you end up sitting at his place while he plays
  • He says you DO spend time together, but it’s not time where he is attentive to you
  • He eats his meals at his gaming desk while you are at his place
  • He wants to go to sleep immediately after a game. There is little time for you.
  • He starts gaming soon after having sex.
  • He doesn’t like to stay up late for your activities, but will stay up late gaming
  • Your interests take second place to his interests
  • You are scared to address his gaming
  • You know if you gave him an ultimatum, he’d pick gaming
  • He doesn’t want to go anywhere with you because it’s away from his computer
  • He doesn’t initiate anything because he’d rather game while you sit there
  • He guilts you, gaslights you, or scares you into believing his behavior is normal

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My boyfriend says “I’m being unreasonable” for wanting him to play less. Is he correct?

  • No. A HVM would want to talk with you and make sure you are happy. You didn’t ask him to give up gaming or give up something he loves. You are asking him to put in equal effort into the relationship. He is gaslighting you into thinking YOU are asking for too much. Asking for time with your partner is normal. Wanting your partner to do his share of chores is normal. A man that thinks otherwise is not ready for a relationship or marriage, and is a teenager in a man’s body. While he advanced in his games, he stopped advancing in life.

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A man says “I need to date a gamer to be in a compatible relationship.” Is this normal?

  • No. A man that thinks his biggest problem with dating is “not finding a gamer girl” is living in a fantasy world. If women enjoy makeup, do they demand that they date a “makeup guy?” No. A man that believes that “none of my ex’s understood my gaming” are in denial about how much they game and how it affects their relationships. They are selfish. They aren’t looking for a girlfriend, they are looking for a sexy enabler.
  • Wanting shared interests is normal. Women may enjoy makeup, but also have other interests. If gaming is the ONLY way you can have a shared interest, you probably don’t have anything to offer to a healthy relationship.
  • A HVM that wants to share his love for a video game with a woman can show her how to play, and will appreciate her efforts. He will ALSO do the same for HER interests. If her interest is makeup, he will learn about it and go to sephora or a makeup convention with her without complaint. If he is unwilling to have an equal approach to interests, he is a LVM and is selfish and is looking for a mommy, not a partner.

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I was over at my boyfriend’s place, and he started gaming. What should I do?

  • Leave. Just leave and go home. He doesn’t respect your time. If you stay, you have taught him that that behavior is ok. And he will continue to do it. And will act confused when you are unhappy about it later when it inevitably does become a problem.

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Should I give an ultimatum?

  • No. It’s time to break-up with him. If you have to give an ultimatum, he already told you what his priorities are. He believed that fake swords made of pixels were more important in his life than a smart, caring woman. Reddit often believes the issue is “communicating!” If someone cannot do the bare minimum in a relationship without being told to do so, they have no business being in a relationship.

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My boyfriend used to not play much. Now he’s playing 20+ hours a week. What now?

  • Sit down and have one conversation about it. If he says he’ll change and doesn’t, dump him. If he gets defensive, dump him. Unless he acknowledges how this affects you, the problem is only going to get worse.

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My boyfriend dumped me because I didn’t understand his gaming. What did I do wrong?

  • Nothing. Your boyfriend’s brain believes that fake, virtual reality is more fulfilling than actual reality. It has nothing to do with you. Anyone he dates in the future is only an enabler and will be ok with being treated like shit. Anyone who chooses pixels over a human is an unhappy person. You dodged a bullet and deserve better. The way he treated you is a reflection of his world view, not a reflection of you.

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My boyfriend is addicted to games. Can I fix this?

  • No. Just like with alcoholism and substance abuse, this is only something he will fix if he wants to. And he can only fix it if he admits to himself that it is a problem. Without that, he will continue to get defensive and blame you for things that are his OWN problem. Don’t waste your life trying to fix someone that cannot be fixed. It’s incredibly sad when someone you love is in this boat. But don’t let yourself down trying to save someone who has chosen to drown. Unfortunately, you have to walk away and hope they one day can overcome this problem. But this problem is THEIR problem, not yours. There are plenty of men out there that will make you even happier and won’t leave you feeling neglected.

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My boyfriend prioritizes gaming over me. Does this mean he doesn’t love me?

  • No. He is incapable of real love. He is so bored and disillusioned with reality that he has to live in a fake world. No amount of love in reality can meet the dopamine that a gaming addict feels. No amount of love an alcoholic feels for someone will fix their alcoholism. Do not take it personally. Be proud of the fact that you are a self-aware caring person, dump your boyfriend, and find someone that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.