This is crazy but hear me out

I did a lot of self-improvement when I was in high school because I was in a murderous depression.and long story short I got out of it by doing a bunch of things I always wanted to do but because I was scared.

I'm a raging nerd and I figured if I was going to get made fun of for being nerdy and getting made fun of for not being nerdy then I should just be nerdy full force and for a while it did help as my confidence grew and I was able to put out my artwork for other people to see finally. And I got some critiques in my artwork has soared ever since

All the self improvement led to a girlfriend or at least I'm hoping that's what it was and at the same time I hope not.

But this girl wasn't abuser and only likes male validation and attention and could care less about the actual individual man.

I put in so much work in myself not just to make myself better but you also not be bitter or angry and here is a girl so I finally attract there was nothing but bitter and angry and has every excuse on to why it's okay for her but I as a man and not supposed to be because of x y and z

No one should stop self improving but you should do it for the right reasons but given my current situation I would hate to attract a girl because she saw or at least perceived that I was somehow doing better because that lets me know she only wants to come around for the best dudes and not like them for themselves.looking back at all of that hard work it was not worth that girl but I am grateful for the hard work but all of that pain and tears did not equal the amount of grievances this girl put me through

I'm not desperate nor very picky but I can usually spot these types of girls a mile away now thanks to her and I really don't know how to conduct myself in dating.

everybody is on different levels but something I have never done is try to kick start someone else's journey or make them feel bad for it but it seems clear to me that at least in my experience the women in my life seem to make it a big deal especially since it's not their work and especially since they're not being too respectful either way

I miss the older me where I finally found the strength to just be me but attracting that girl was the worst thing that could have happened because now I'm stuck wondering what is wrong with me especially since I put all that hard work in.

I went from a kid who was in the hood who had no parents to help him to finally be able to muster something and I know for a fact that most girls probably don't even have that.my ex had both of her parents and never knew what it was like to walk along distance to get to somewhere but I did and it was telling in our experiences.

I'm literally coming from a drug-fueled house where I had to work for everything and this girl literally had everything but I was somehow the weak and immature one. I'm so tired of it.

recently I've been trying to get back into the older things I love again without feeling some dread and I have been feeling slightly better but now I'm really questioning if I want another girlfriend again or not because you do want someone who was compatible with you but you also want someone who is humble and respects you.

just because you start a business or self-improved that's not mean anything because they are not the first persons to do so get at the same time you do not have to owe anybody your best especially if they're not giving you their best back.