I’ve lurked FDS for a long while, and I really credit you all with me finally being able to say enough is enough. And I think I’m writing this to get it off my chest, where people may understand.

I’ve spent a lot of years as a pickmeisha, an embarrassing amount of time and for embarrassing relationships. Shit, two of them were purely online! The last two, specifically. And, just to preface: I know this is the silliest, pickme-ist, idiotic relationship I’ve ever been in.

For the past two years, I’d been “with” a man in a long distance, online relationship. From the beginning, I should have known this was never going to work. There were red flags from the start, red flags that I ignored because I just wanted something. I should have known that I was the “side chick” but I ignored it, for some awful reason I still don’t understand fully. For the first year, I was enthusiastic about having someone, anyone. And then, I began to question things, somehow.

We were never going to meet. He never remembered my birthday, never remembered the “anniversaries”, never made any time for me and never did anything for me. He always called me emotional, and him rational. He wanted to be sexual, but I never gave in, the one smart thing I did. And what started the most questioning lately was me googling, crying, “Why doesn’t he buy me gifts?” The least he could do was that for me, right? After stringing me along, giving me rules when I could contact him, never exerting any energy for me. And then I found this sub, and the end to the relationship accelerated. I read the wiki, and things began to fall into place.

It came to a head a couple weeks ago. I called him out for the distance in our relationships, the fact that I felt more like a friend than a romantic partner, and that I wanted an actual relationship. I wanted a man to love me and care for me and be there for me. I want to get married one day, and he will never give me that.

I didn’t give him much of a chance to speak. He said, “If you want to know how I feel, you can ask.” He told me, “I never forced you to stay.” I don’t care how you feel, I care how I feel. And no, you didn’t force me, but you also preyed on a victim of emotional abuse and neglect for your own benefit. Turns out, I was a side chick.

I kept the conversation short, though I realize now that I should have simply blocked and ghosted. But it’s done. And it feels like a weight has been lifted. My anxiety and depression have abated significantly. I’ve been struggling to lose weight, I’ve been struggling in my spiritual practice, I’ve been struggling in so many areas. I ignored building meaningful friendships because of this. But now, without him and those attachments... Subconsciously, this relationship added to a vicious cycle of low self worth, and without that weight I can begin to break it, meaningfully.

I’m ready to move on, and level up with you all.

Thank you, for all the help and inspiration. I’m free.