One of my friends (a beautiful competent adult woman with a high paying job and amazing friend group) told me how once she went on a few dates with a guy who was coming on pretty strong telling her how into her he was, texting all day etc. They had sex and it was apparently terrible the worst sex she’d ever had, rough, no communication. She was so turned off. He continued to text enthusiastically. She wanted to end it him but she was so worried about ending things right after they had sex, that it might hurt his feelings, so she planned a whole additional date where they just got icecream (which she paid for) and didn’t have sex and then afterwards texted him she wasn’t feeling it. She went on a whole extra date with a guy to protect his feelings about being dumped right after sex. This story kills me.

We had this conversation while she was baking bread (she made the same loaf yesterday to make sure the recipe came out perfectly) for her current boyfriend - this guy took 6 months to agree to be exclusive during which time he was sleeping with multiple women while he “figured out what he wanted” and his last relationship ended because he wasn’t sure he wanted kids.

As a former ultimate pick-me I can’t judge her- (going above and beyond for men who didn’t reciprocate an ounce of effort, I even married- now divorced- a lvm who I financially supported through most of our relationship- who cheated and bailed for his young coworker a year after we got married....) I think back to how often I worried about hurting other peoples feelings because that’s what I’ve been socialized to do. The cooking cleaning handmade presents and caretaking.... Constantly ignoring my discomfort. I cringe thinking about all my the ways I protected men’s feelings and the insane amount of unreciprocated effort I put into my relationships.

When do we learn that protecting other peoples feelings- particularly men- is more important than our safety, comfort, and time? How do i empower her - my amazing beautiful friend- to aim higher and stop wasting her time energy effort and money on people who just don’t measure up?