I don't know how to tell guys I want a serious relationship

confusednsqueeky · 2018-02-01T11:34:04+00:00

I will just address latter part of your post: the reason why you dont know how you will say that to guys is because you are scared of rejection and you are subconsciously still in a mental state 'attention is as good as respect. Attention and interest from a man are my validation' Try to get away from that - my favorite sentence is 'seek respect not attention' You have to understand that attention is extremely easy to get. As a young woman you will get attention so so easy with just a minuscule effort.

So why would you appreciate something that is so easily attainable? Try to figure out your own worth, if you are a good partner if you think that you can provide solid things in a relationship than don't settle for less! You have a right to ask for more from any man. You don't have to accept casual or anything that's unacceptae for you. Say no to men you are attracted to. I think that's a good first step for you.

Why would he respect you if you don't respect yourself? When you treat yourself how you expect to be treated and when there are certain reasonable barriers he has to go through in order to get to you than you will get a good man and a relationship you want. Best of luck!

I'm sorry, I'm on a mobile and english in not my first language but feel free to pm me and I will try to answer more coherently.

sonyara · 2018-02-01T12:39:11+00:00

This makes me so, so sad to read. The amount of irreparable harm that feminism inflicts on young, impressionable women is very disheartening. It's bad for men too, but women are just more likely to submit to this sort of peer pressure and herd mentality, and sometimes by the time they wake up, they've already wasted their best years. It's honestly just depressing. As a society, we have to do better.

To your specific case: You haven't wasted all your best years, and even though you may feel like a whore, you're not. You're a fairly standard confused ex-feminist who just can't keep lying to herself anymore, with a fairly normal and seemingly not too shameful sexual history. You have taken the first hard steps, you've realized what it is you want, and that's wonderful and commendable. Everyone here is proud of you already, or they should be!!

You definitely don't sound like you're an alpha widow(https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=alpha%20widow) and if you're not, that's great! Even though it's quite an ugly term, it does happen and it can really poison your future relationships.

I will go with my standard advice here: go for older guys. The reason it's so difficult to connect with people on the level you want, is probably because you're trying to date men your own age. You should probably look at men in their mid 30's or even older, potentially. In a culture where attractive young men your age have zero interest or incentive to be in a serious relationship, you're going to have to find a male unicorn(they do exist, of both genders, but well yeah...unicorn), or go after a guy who you probably aren't very attracted to, but who would definitely give you commitment.

The other option, as mentioned, is look for older, more conservative type men.

And in terms of what to say, there is a middle ground between: MARRY ME AND IMPREGNATE ME, and IDK LETS HAVE COFFEE AND CASUAL SEX. Instead of saying serious relationships only, say you're looking for something longterm, you're looking for love, or that you're looking for a boyfriend who shares your interests. You can even attempt humor, something like, "i'm looking for a handsome arrogant jerk to boss me around, who I will worship and care for, as long as he doesn't cheat on me!" I'm just spitballing here, but there are ways to signal playfully that you're looking for something a little more serious without seeming desperate

Love can be at first sight, but often it takes time to develop. You are probably pretty bad at judging's guy's characters at this point in your romantic life because of all the terrible misinformed notions you had about them previously, but you will get better quickly as you date. Don't be afraid to go on casual dates, and try to suss out if your date is looking for the same things you are. Guys are used to rejection, so don't feel bad for 'nexting' them if they're only looking for something casual :D

What you want is perfectly normal, healthy, and not at all misguided; most likely you WILL be fulfilled by a good relationship, if you can get one. It's a challenge, for anyone, and no good relationship ever comes easy. It often does at first, but if it lasts long enough, it will have struggles and heartache and difficulties. Only the really good ones last the test of time, and it always takes both parties to truly want it to succeed. GL to you, I'm rooting for you!

NubianIbex · 2018-02-01T11:53:56+00:00

There are a lot of stories, both real-life and pop-culture, about couples who started casually and live happily ever after (Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher have a real bluepill-dream-come-true tale.) Definitely not the right approach, these are the exceptions and not the rule. It's hard enough to go from GF to wife these days, don't attempt going from plate to GF. Be a high-value woman. See yourself as one, act like one, people will start treating you like one.

After graduating, now I completely lost my sense of direction in terms of career and passion in life. All I know for certain is that I want a relationship. Is it wrong I want to lose myself in that relationship?

Yes, it's wrong. It's unhealthy to look at a relationship as some sort of a lifeline, you need to be your best self in order to attract your best relationship. Once you have your life together, it's easier to convey the message that you want a serious relationship. If your life is a mess, many captain-material guys wouldn't take you seriously regardless of what you're telling them.

I hope this makes sense. I really don't know what I am doing with my life right now. I want to connect with someone, why is that so difficult nowadays?

I'm not saying it's not hard to form healthy emotional relationships these days, romantic or otherwise. But I truly think the issue is that you need to figure out your life, and the rest will follow. Sorry if this is too harsh, but I'm not sure "connect with someone" means what you think it means. Without realizing, you might intent on "find a White Knight, dump my problems on him and have him help me get my shit together". Then the answer is, he's late to come and get you because the horse needs new shoes.

asteadyheart · 2018-02-01T20:54:46+00:00

Instead of trying to figure out how to tell them, try to figure out how to show them.

Actions speak louder than words. A girl who is kind, capable, in good shape, charming, and comfortable in her own skin will tell men that she isn't just a one-night stand kind of a person.

What helped me was having the mindset "I want to be this kind of person" and if you become the person you want to be, the kind of man who fits the person you are will show up.

The only thing is determining what kind of woman that man will want.

Whisper · 2018-02-01T23:35:48+00:00

The key to getting what you want isn't "asking for it". It's earning it.

Telling men you want a serious relationship means nothing. It means less than nothing. Men are not sandwiches. You don't just order one up with the stuff you want on it.

What you have to do is make him want a serious relationship.

Coming out of the gate right up from, as the same woman you always were, with "serious relationship or no deal" is just going to wind you up alone. Because men aren't stupid. Raising the price doesn't raise the quality.

plein_old · 2018-02-01T16:58:46+00:00

I think I understand what you're saying.

Hey have you ever seen Downton Abbey? It's a tv show that takes place about 100 years ago. The orientation toward finding a wife or husband on the show, at least in the first season or two, is a bit more in line with what you're wanting.

Maybe you could find ways to spend time around people who hold the same values that you do now. Though I'm not sure exactly what to suggest in that regard, other than Downton Abbey. :)

By the way, I'm not sure it's entirely healthy to be "lost" in a relationship, any more than it's healthy to be "lost" in a career or a "cause" or a cult or something. I think a strong wife has to be a strong woman, and there are qualities that one can work on whether one is single or married. Good luck!

youreallmeatanyway · 2018-02-01T18:36:07+00:00

Well first off, congrats on shaking off feminism. Secondly, sleeping with 5 guys doesnt make you a whore, and it does not eliminate you from the running for high quality men.

Now, as for how to tell a guy you want a serious relationship, there are a few ways to get this done...

On-line dating: Just include something like "Not looking to get married tomorrow, but only interested in committed relationships"
For someone you met off-line: You might have to go on one or two dates first before you have a conversation that's deeper than "so whats your favorite band?", but when you do have it you can just be pretty up front; ask him what kind of life he wants for himself...career, family, etc. And when hes finished tell him what you want for yourself and you add to that "...and that's why I'm really only wanting to date people who are looking for a serious relationship". And then see how he responds to that. Now, he doesn't know you from Eve, so he might not jump on board just yet. But the response you're looking for should be openness to the prospect of seriousness with you.

Short Story Time: I recently started a relationship, myself. We had lunch, window shopped, etc. And as the night was drawing to a close we were in my truck talking about where we want to be in our lives down the road. And I did exactly as I prescribed: I told her that I want to be married again, have a family, and share all of that with someone wonderful. She had much the same desires.

I think directness might be your best bet.

polakfury · 2018-02-02T04:32:23+00:00

Super easy. You ask them if they are seeing anyone. If not you tell them you want to be exclusive. That easy!

oneeyedman99 · 2018-02-02T18:09:16+00:00

Just say those words--"I want a serious relationship". Don't worry about whether that's profeminist or antifeminist or whatever.

patience9 · 2018-02-04T03:46:53+00:00

The Rules has a lot of advice about how to get a man to decide for himself that he wants to be your boyfriend by rationing the time and attention you give to him before he commits. The specific strategies in the book are controversial, but I would absolutely recommend it to help jog your thinking.

360_no_scope_upvote · 2018-02-01T20:00:57+00:00

You have to earn our commitment, there is no cheat code. You have to try and fail repeatedly. 5 is a good number, experienced men can tell at a glance the mileage on some one. I've even dated women as high as 40 in the past, but I am in the camp that I would never consider marriage with any woman so everything is temporary.

You could approach a man and say I want a relationship, and you very well may get one, from a beta you hardly respect as a person let alone as a masculine entity. Start with considering what do you want from a man. Security? Comfort? Companionship?

Title	I don't know how to tell guys I want a serious relationship
Author	sonyara
Upvotes	28
Comments	21
Date	February 1, 2018 8:02 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7uh9l8/i_dont_know_how_to_tell_guys_i_want_a_serious/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-dont-know-how-to-tell-guys-i-want-a-serious.74181 https://theredarchive.com/post/74181

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