How can I deal with my feelings?

girlwithabike · 2018-02-13T20:17:10+00:00

First, I think that it takes a lot of strength to stay married and get through the emotional fallout of infidelity. So be proud of yourself for not making rash decisions and jumping to divorce. We choose our partners for both who they are and who they have the potential to become. I'm nearly always of a mind that it's best to forgive mistakes that are well in the past if possible.

I hate feeling like there's a disconnect between reality and the way I feel, it's confusing and makes me feel really unstable.

There isn't really a disconnect. The reality is all of the things you mentioned, it's the great parts of your relationship and of him but it's also the fact that he cheated and threw your world into chaos. There is no way to rationalize away the feelings that that created. You have a new relationship now. In this relationship, your husband cheated on you in the past. He covered it up to protect you but now you know. Your feelings and relationship with this man developed over time. Now with this new revelation, you have to take time to readjust. It's ok to grieve for the version of the relationship that you have lost. It's ok if the new version of your marriage doesn't look exactly like the old one.

I agree with everyone else that suggested that you should talk with him. If you like, go with the RPW standard: take him your problems. If you tell him that you have these feelings whenever he leaves - perhaps he can (work with you to) find a way to ease some of your anxiety. He must understand that trust needs to be rebuilt. And I think the best way to do that is for you to express to him how you feel and allow him to find a way to rebuild the trust.

You are allowed to have feelings about this. You don't have to bottle it up and pretend everything is fine - it's not fine - everything changed the minute you found out. Have you done any journaling about the whole thing? Sometimes you don't even fully know what you think until you say it or write it (which is probably one of the reason that you find yourself posting and reposting on here). Get it all out on paper, what you feel day to day, what you felt, what you can't handle ... anything that wants to flow through your pen. See what you really think and feel.

Ultimately though, I think that the marriage has to be rebuilt together. This isn't the time for STFU. You need to feel what you feel and get through it and he needs to help you to feel that it's really in the past and he's yours. And that's all going to take time.

loneliness-inc · 2018-02-14T04:50:49+00:00

(and helped me quite a bit, thank you /u/loneliness-inc).

You're welcome.

BlueberrySea · 2018-02-13T16:24:10+00:00

This seems very heartfelt! I feel for you. And I respect your thoughts about not getting divorced over this. If you trust and love him and believe he is sorry and regrets what he has done, I don't see why you should leave.

Without knowing more, it is going to be hard for us to give you advice. However, the one thing I would say is let yourself feel what you're feeling. Be vulnerable. Not just because this is RPW but also because it's your truth. You're hurt. And it seems from your post that its this dissonance that's bothering you. Let him know that you forgive and trust him but let him see how hurt you are. No passive aggression, no nagging and checking his phone. Just your real feelings coming out.

This doesn't necessarily mean talking about it with him if you feel you've already done that.

I just think if you don't let yourself feel what you're feeling and don't let him into that part of yourself it can only lead to bad feelings building up and taking over. I hope this helps.

PhaedrusHunt · 2018-02-15T05:06:29+00:00

Have you gotten to the bottom of of why he cheated? How far into the relationship was it? Was it exclusive at that point? And be honest-- did you ever meet up with or sleep with another man since you met him?

Men will cheat for a variety of reasons. They're not getting enough sex. It may just be in the nature of certain men. Revenge cheating. Cheating to make yourself feel that you are desirable. Cheating to prevent yourself from becoming too vulnerable in a relationship. These may all have different clinical names, I don't know I'm not a psychologist but I've been on both sides of cheating.

The first thing is to put out the immediate fire. So if you're really confident that he's not currently cheating that's step one.

From that point move back. Try to figure out what was going on. Did you give him tacit approval? Were you doing anything that was a real turn-off? Was your sex life good?

I cheated in my last relationship for two reasons. First she had cheated early on and I tried get over it but never really did. Second she had pretty moderate to severe anxiety and use that as an excuse to not be in the mood. The onus was always on me to put her in a good mood. At the end of the day I decided that she didn't get to set the schedule of when I could have sex. My libido was just flat-out higher then hers was and I didn't want to go to the extent of jumping through the hoops that she thought I should jump through. I'm not saying that that is what happened in your case, I'm just giving a personal example.

With a woman I am with now she matches my energy. Sure there are a lot of available women out there but I'm satiated. I don't really think about cheating.

It's a hard thing to get over.

I wouldn't rule out getting divorced. I'm not encouraging that but just saying considering it as an option can make you realize that maybe this isn't the end of the world and can actually help to strengthen your relationship.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2018-02-13T17:36:35+00:00

So what I’m getting from this post is more so that you’re worried about the possibility that he either is still cheating, or that he will cheat again? It seems like you just want reassurance that he is not cheating on you more than anything.

Life is very difficult at times. You love him and you want him to be happy, but you are not currently happy. You need to find a way to open up your communication more to a point where you can find happiness.

You say you’re having a child together. Did you feel this strongly prior to your pregnancy? Pregnancy can really throw your hormones out of wack, and the consistent, random crying could be explained a lot by this potentially.

Also:

I don’t expect my husband to be my friend, or my therapist

Why don’t you expect your husband to be your freind?

_Citizen_Erased_ · 2018-02-14T22:52:02+00:00

You sound terrified of damaging the relationship by being open to him about how you feel. You are terrified of losing him or even creating more distance between you. The fact is, what he did was very wrong and far more damaging than what you're afraid of causing. There will come a time in your life eventually when you don't feel the need to talk about this or worry about it anymore. You're allowed to be hurt, pissed of, suspicious, and many other things. The problem is that a relationship cannot thrive with those feelings being bottled up by one person. I would focus on reducing the fear of losing him, reducing the fear of conflict, and reducing the fear of being alone. Your own self esteem, self worth, and independence is crucial to being strong enough to overcome this. You're allowed to talk about it. Picture a future where you've left him, moved on, and found a more faithful man. If you can draw any strength from that, then you can use that strength to deal with these feelings, and by doing so you can move closer being secure with him. In summary, you don't have to divorce and move on, but just knowing that you are strong enough and willing to do that can actually fix your marriage.

kittenlovesred · 2018-02-13T19:44:19+00:00

I’ve studied infidelity in depth.

There are two questions you need to ask yourself before healing can begin.

Did he say:

“I made a terrible mistake and I was wrong”
“I will do what it takes to make this right”

Without him making these statements, there’s no remorse or recourse and he doesn’t value your communion. If he has made the statements, it simply takes time to heal.

He also needs to understand that although divorce is an absolute last resort, you won’t stand for that behaviour. If not, he has no accountability.

jane546 · 2018-02-14T03:14:31+00:00

You don't deal with them. You bury them inside until you break. At least that is what I do. I wouldn't recommend it, but that is the only way.

Title	How can I deal with my feelings?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	8
Comments	24
Date	February 13, 2018 4:04 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7xadwr/how_can_i_deal_with_my_feelings/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-can-i-deal-with-my-feelings.74254 https://theredarchive.com/post/74254

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