A 26 year old guy who desperately needs help

Mumbledoor · 2021-02-20T21:00:04+00:00

Hey! I'm 26 years old, a musician, last year of college. Always had decent male and female friends Have been decently "popular" and...

Hey!

I'm 26 years old, a musician, last year of college.

Always had decent male and female friends
Have been decently "popular" and social
Been through all of the cringy "pua" and "alpha" phases
a virgin - never dated, rarely flirt with girls etc. Kissed and cuddled with some.
NOT asexual - I HAVE sexual urges, I just don't want to do them in real life. (A good analogy would for example be a horror movie - you think the kills are awesome and are excited by the horror, but would you actually want to be in that situation? Hell naw)

I have no interest in being a "sexual person". I have no interest in "banging chicks" - no, I'm not a "nice guy" who simps for girls in order to get laid. It doesn't sound "fun" in the sense that most people think.

I'm not interested in the "fun" when it comes to sexual stuff and it makes me feel like an alien.

I also find it incredibly, utterly impossible to find someone who likes me and shows any interest towards me

Am I the only one who has ALWAYS wanted one decent girl who DOESN'T want to have sex that much nor has had like 20 guys?

Why do I feel so incredibly lonely wanting to just have one girl, keep focusing on my own goals without being paranoid of her cheating? How come every single person seems so goddamn sex obsessed? (both men and women).

Yeah sure, I want to be "wanted", but I don't want to be "lusted after" like some kind of an object - It does NOT feel nice when a girl wants you even though she has a boyfriend. It can be traumatizing. It feels fucking nice if she genuinely likes you, has similar interests etc.

No, I DON'T want a girl to be a pure virgin when I'm having sex with dozens of girls. It's more like... I have zero urge to be a fuccboi and have dozens of sexual partners AND I would like a girl who also wants that

It's like everything I read about sex, the "fun" part just seems... repulsive in a sense. I just can't cope with the fact that the majorty of people WANT to have that animalistic/lustful side, WANT to lose control etc. and actually enjoy it.

I'm also tired of girls downright LYING to me about not wanting these things - for example, I flirted with a girl, I told her that I'm repulsed by sexuality, things went further and we ended up cuddling. While cuddling, we started talking about sexual things etc. and it turns out that she would totally want guys to dominate her, be rough etc. I HATE that. It's downright repulsive and inhuman.

I can't call myself an "incul" or something like that, because I'm attractive enough that sometimes, well, girls like me and are sexual around me. But guess what? Every time they lose that "wholesome" part of being nice and show their sexuality, I can't help but lose any attraction I had.

What can I even do? How do I cope? I KNOW that apparently, monogamy and "love" in the traditional sense isn't normal, but why the fuck am I absolutely not interested in the sex culture?

Hell, I found out in COLLEGE that there's this thing called "hooking up" - I literally thought that people have like... 2-3 partners, get married or just cohabitate, have children. I had absolutely no idea that people have sex with absolute random people and "casual sex" is a thing. No, I haven't been "sheltered" - even my siblings and parents think i'm "different" in a sense, and that I should hit on multiple girls etc.

What is wrong with me? I still want to love and date without being afraid of not being sexual enough, afraid of being cheated on etc.

Tl;dr: A virgin who doesn't understand why sex > love and how to find anyone.

[–]Inareskai 7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]Mumbledoor[S] 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Many asexual people can and do have sexual urges. But I think the point you're getting at is that you are not interested in casual sex? In which case... Fair enough. That's not that unusual.

Not only that, It's more that I'm disgusted by the idea of sex and lust in the sense of how it's presented. If it was more based on some kind of "moral" values (whatever they may be) and not on "animalistic" principles, I'd be fine with it probably, but I find the fact that it's the complete opposite of "humane" kind of disgusting.

Good vs evil, humanistic vs animalistic, sexual vs romantic etc.

It may be that you need to change where you are looking. It's really not that uncommon to be looking for monogamy and long term serious partnerships rather than sleeping around.

Yes, you're right. But where do I even find a girl who has had those same values?

You may benefit from some therapy around your disgust at the sex other people are into - consenting adults can do whatever they want as long as it doesn't harm others. If someone might be into being dominated that doesn't mean anything 'about' them and it doesn't mean they require it from you if you don't want that.

In a sense, I agree with you. "If someone might be into being dominated that doesn't mean anything 'about' them and it doesn't mean they require it from you if you don't want that." but it still makes me less attracted to that person - I don't really care if it's me or someone else. (of course, If I'm not part of it, I have absolutely no problems)

[–]Inareskai 6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm not sure I understand what you mean about sex and 'moral' values? What about sex is inhumane or immoral?

Honestly, someone who views sex as a 'for one other person' and may have a low libido etc, getting involved in churches is likely to get you to meet women with a similar view to you (especially around disgust at various aspects of sex). Although obviously I do not recommend this unless you are also religious. In general... no idea. I am a woman who made it very clear at the start of my relationship that I was not there for sex only - I dated with marriage and children in mind or not at all, so not wanting either was a dealbreaker for me. Luckily, my current partner was also right on board with it being serious and monogamous.

I do have to query though, I went to university too and the number of people I know/socialised with who had casual sex and/or multiple partners is incredibly low. Of my closest friends most have had 1-2 partners and are now in long term relationships (married, engaged etc) and only one has had sex with more than 7ish people (I don't know her exact numbers), and she is definitely an outlier where I question a number of her dating decisions.

I think you've got some hang ups about sex and 'morality' or it 'corrupting your humanity' and that's something that I think probably needs someone more qualified than me as a stranger on reddit.

[–]Mumbledoor[S] 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

My brain has somehow made the connection that animalistic = evil, humane = good. Maybe because it's a lot of "bad boys" and thugs who get laid etc. (maybe they get laid despite or something, but it's still "evil" if someone has sex with a thug because he's hot)

Honestly, someone who views sex as a 'for one other person' and may have a low libido etc, getting involved in churches is likely to get you to meet women with a similar view to you (especially around disgust at various aspects of sex). Although obviously I do not recommend this unless you are also religious.

Yeah, I've thought of that, however - I am not religious and it would be really arrogant of me to pick a church girl even though our fundamental beliefs are completely different. I think a church girl would fit more with a church guy.

That's cool. I really don't know - I've asked girls and they've told me that it's 20 guys minimum, and a girl who has had maybe 30 is considered average.

You're right. I need therapy. Thanks!

[–]Comfortable_Intern57 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]Mumbledoor[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

[–]zoemondo 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

[–]Mumbledoor[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

[–]zoemondo 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]Mumbledoor[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

Does vanilla sex never happen out of lust

It probably does

Do you think most people want rough sex involving choking?

I think most people like passion and they call it "fun". Choking might be too harsh for most.

Exactly what's wrong about two adults wanting to make each other feel good, without making a baby?

For some reason it seems completely unnatural and alien (= disgusting and wrong)

What is wrong about lust between two consenting adults? What harmful actions come from it?

Again, it just FEELS repulsive. I have no idea why.

Most importantly, where do these fears and ideas come from?

I don't know. Tbh, it's mostly because I didn't know until college that people want these kinds of things randomly. I grew up in a pretty wholesome environment - I had a great HS experience with good friends (both male and female) and good social life. Yeah, sure, maybe SOME of the girls there had sex, but most people, both men and women did NOT have sexual and lust based relationships. Ons and sex based relationships just didn't exist and I do realize how the "red pill" type of guys would love to tell me that "the girls were sluts even back then and you just didn't know that" - but like I said, the MAJORITY of girls just... weren't. Hell, there are even some former classmates who just NOW found someone (lost their virginity etc.) in their mid twenties (we're still friends occasionally and talk about stuff with both guys and girls)

[–]zoemondo 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

I know it's all really confusing to you right now but it's good that you're trying to figure it out and figure yourself out. I think it's good that you realize stereotypes don't always apply to people, and that there's experiences out there that show redpill isn't all correct.

For the record, if all you want is vanilla type sex, that's perfectly acceptable. It's your body and your rules.

The struggle is finding someone on the same page as you who would want to date you.

I'm not going to assume why you have such hangups about sex. I don't have the answer. But I will throw some ideas out there to give you to work with.

Some people have some sort of trauma/bad experiences when they were younger, so certain sex acts are seen as violating and dirty.

Maybe redpill got into your head too much.

Maybe you were a late bloomer and didn't find out about certain sex acts until much later, so just the fact that it is foreign and alien makes it seem disgusting. People tend to fear what they don't know and haven't experienced.

Some people had conservative and/or religious upbringings where sex is taboo. This can create a lot of sexual dysfunction for them years later.

Maybe you're figuring out your sexuality. That is totally fine and normal.

I suggest you spend some time reading r/deadbedrooms. This sub gives a lot of insight into what kind of sex couples actually are having, how they got together in the first place and what causes it to all fall apart. There are a lot of stories about couples who have mismatched libidos and different wants in the bedroom. At the very least, this sub will help show you what not to do in relationships and in the bedroom.

[–]Mumbledoor[S] 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for being understanding!

Tbh, I struggle finding ANYONE to date lol. I've never dated nor have had any intimacy with girls EXCEPT negative ones (like, girls have wanted to cheat with me etc.)

Some people have some sort of trauma/bad experiences when they were younger, so certain sex acts are seen as violating and dirty. Maybe redpill got into your head too much.

Maybe you were a late bloomer and didn't find out about certain sex acts until much later, so just the fact that it is foreign and alien makes it seem disgusting. People tend to fear what they don't know and haven't experienced.

Yeah, that's true. It's mostly the disgust of how niceness/being calm is not perceived as attractive.

The thing is - I wasn't. Hell, my parents and siblings think i'm fucked up and judgmental of others because I have never had anyone and haven't gotten a girl interested in me (haven't gotten a ons etc.)

I'm 100% sure I'm heterosexual.

Lol, yeah, maybe.

I think it's mostly that nobody is really interested in me (and/or is interested in me every 5 years or so) and that's what mostly causes this hatred in disgust. I've always been social (hell, i'm a freaking musician - I HAVE to be social and decently confident), never been bullied (except maybe in 5-6th grade or something), always had great friends and decent parents.

I've tried to get someone since I was 14 (started with normal advice, moved on to pua, then redpill, then normal advice again etc. etc.) and it's almost impossible while at the same time - I DO see people uglier than me at least get SOMEONE to like them.

I think the meme of this "lol neckbeard can't get a gf becuz is ackshooly not nice" is literally just a meme, since I can't figure out what's wrong with me UNTIL I figured out that girls LITERALLY want the opposite of what I want and that's the main reason why I'm apparently so goddamn disgusting (and why girls in a romantic sense/sexuality is so disgusting/repulsive to me). It ISN'T because of "you have nevur haad a female friend" etc. like people would love to assume.

[–]Mumbledoor[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Comfortable_Intern57 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

[–]Mumbledoor[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]Comfortable_Intern57 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]Mumbledoor[S] -1 points0 points1 point 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]Comfortable_Intern57 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]RedPillDetox 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]Mumbledoor[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link

As much as I hate to admit it and don't feel like it's true, I kinda have to agree, yeah.

Protection mechanism -> inadequacy (haven't had anyone to like me) -> fear (even if I find anyone, she'll cheat on me, may have super aids, has already been with dozens of guys so that I'm just another stick to her) -> disgust (Eww... I don't want someone who has done something so horrible!) -> hatred (Sex is disgusting, people are disgusting for having sex, because only bad boys have sex, meaning that it's evil)

I just don't know what to do. How do I turn this hatred into love? Keep in mind that I have RARELY seen "normal" people have sex (meaning, people who aren't confident and/or chads or assholes)

One thing that even TRP guys tell you is that if you have had sex with many girls and/or have a normal, constant romantic life, you kinda stop hating that shit. However, I've tried for almost ten years without any success - so how the fuck am I supposed to feel confident in that?

[–]RedPillDetox 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]YChromosomeIsDying 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]YChromosomeIsDying 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Title	A 26 year old guy who desperately needs help
Author	Mumbledoor
Upvotes	2
Comments	27
Date	February 20, 2021 9:00 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/logl5i/a_26_year_old_guy_who_desperately_needs_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/a-26-year-old-guy-who-desperately-needs-help.743060 https://theredarchive.com/post/743060

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