It bothers me. A lot. The guy I lost my virginity was manipulative and not at all a good person to be with. I can’t believe I didn’t see it at the time being 24. Old enough. He got me very drunk one night. Or stupidly I drank too much I guess... and yeah. I don’t wanna even think about it it makes me feel sick. I was 24 at the time and I was very strict on my virginity. Even walking down and aisle where there’s alcohol makes me nauseous. It was my biggest goal to wait for marriage as I grew up in a very red pilled ideology of a household. I’m trying to break free from those ideologies as they’ve obviously harmed me. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t believe in them still.

After that first ex and I broke up I felt so low and disgusting. A year later I started sleeping with a colleague ( I’d say a handful of times if that) The sex was obviously miles better than that dreadful first time.

Fast forward to 26 and I meet my fiancé. I love him so much and everyday it pains me that he’s not my one and only. My first, my only and my last. Like I had always thought my life would pan out. Except i’ve slept with two others who didn’t have any actual love or respect for me. I have a great relationship now but there’s this black cloud over me. I feel sickened and embarassed that my fiancé knows ive been with other men I don’t know why. I guess because I’m sure he doesn’t like it.. who would? I can’t help but feel really bad as my goal in life was to be with only one man. Will I be loved differently, seen as less special? Just be honest. He’s never made me feel bad about it but at the beginning he wasn’t happy about my past and said that he sees me as his wife and not to remind him of my past. of course and has a past of his own but idk. It hurts. I worship the ground he walks on but I never feel good enough. I never feel like I’m special enough. I also recently read online that men feel closer and more attached to a virgin spouse and it hurt. I know I logically have more to give but there’s nothing special there to give. Anyone can give him kindness or love, or make him food etc.

I feel like I’m drowning in pain each day and life is feeling less and less worth it.

Thing is our wedding is coming up in December and I still cry myself to sleep pretty often about this whole thing. We don’t live together but we will once we move in. I’m worried about him seeing me so broken over it. He knows I wishes he was my first but he doesn’t know how much it tears me up on a day to day basis. Idk how he’d react. I’ve tried to bring it up but I can tell he doesn’t want to discuss it and sees it as a me problems. I feel like he loves me but he doesn’t love the whole of me.