So I decided to get back on tinder this week. I have a crush on a coworker and aside from this not being FDS of me, it's super unkosher just in general to even think of pursuing anything with someone from work. So I downloaded tinder again. I made a post about this a little while back and someone made the point that "they're the same guys". I hear you, so I figured I'd get out of my head about this man and see what else is out there.

And you know what I realised? I don't need this. I deleted the app again after 5 days. I matched with a fair few guys - most of the conversation was just boring. A lot of the guys have been circulating the app for ages (I see them on it every time I decide to dip a toe into OLD). The ones who messaged got overly persistent quickly. Most of the guys in my area have ridiculous photos up, pictures with their pants down in front of a waterfall... Dude no. Many are bold enough to not have a single photo of them in their profile at all and still demand casual liaisons in their bio. There's the few couples "looking for a third". Some are open about already being in a relationship. Then there's the travellers who want what, a tour guide and a one night stand on their way through? And one guy from work sent me a super like with a note just to tell me I look like I'd be a good cook.

When I meet up with anyone I just feel an overwhelming ick about the whole situation and I don't know why. I think tinder just gives me the ick in general.

Do you know what I find wild about it all? That there are people who can put themselves out there so audaciously on an app and pay to use extra features to send dumb messages yet they can't just come respectfully to a woman and start a conversation face to face. Tinder just makes it too easy to be and remain low effort. There has to be more than this. I have to be worth more than a swipe on a phone and some forced conversation at the best of times and aggression at the worst. But isn't everyone worth more than this? Like how can anyone reduce themselves to these petty interactions. In the case of the couples and people using the apps to cheat - why not just put the effort into making your relationships better offline so that you don't feel the need to cheat and don't feel the need to "find a third"? Don't your partners deserve that effort you're directing at strangers in the mere hopes you'll be fulfilled elsewhere?

I think the break I took from these apps has led me to my most important revelation of all: yes I am worth more than this and I want more than this. It's led me to close the door on OLD for good.

I just don't have the time for this anymore. Since joining FDS I've really decentralized men from my life. I am studying, making new women friends and spending more time doing things that I want to do when I want to do them. In fact since I stopped dating this year every other aspect of my life got better. I want someone who complements my life as it is now, not just someone who merely fits in. I can't believe I was ever a person who resorted to tinder to feel better about herself and subconsciously thought these apps were the best that I can do when I have a whole life, a happy life - I never ever needed a man.

As for this crush? Whatever. If he wants to approach me, he will. I've seen him looking at me. We have fire conversations. But even if we didn't work together that still wouldn't be enough anymore. If he really wanted to, he would cut through the shit anyway. I'll just keep living my life.