If I want children, should I still not get married?

IGoYouStayTwoAutumns · 2016-10-21T20:59:31+00:00

Two of my closest guy friends recently had kids, one has a two-year-old daughter, the other a one-year-old daughter. Both live with their girlfriends (the mothers of their daughters), and in both cases, NEITHER COUPLE IS MARRIED.

Interestingly enough, in both scenarios it was the woman, not the man, who laid it down up front: "WE ARE NEVER GETTING MARRIED. PERIOD." Apparently both women had been married before, found it to be absolutely hellish, got divorced, and never wanted to do it again. (In contrast, neither one of my guy friends has ever been married.)

Each couple has been together maybe 6 years now, one couple is still madly in love, the other has their ups and downs but even the "downs" aren't that bad, just my buddy occasionally complaining that his girlfriend seems to be more interested in the kid than in him (par for the course, I'd say).

I don't know if either couple is going to make it through the full 18 years of raising their kid (I'd say probably yes to one of them, MAYBE to the other), but fact is: neither couple is married, both couples have kids, both couples basically present themselves to the world as being married, when asked for specifics they have no problem being honest about not being married (but if it doesn't come up then it doesn't come up), and everyone's happy.

Hell, last time I was out one guy's house, the girlfriend and he were talking about the phone bill, and how much they'd save if they were on some kind of family plan, and the guy laughed and was like "Hey, sorry hon, this is what YOU wanted, a situation where either one of us could walk at anytime, sooo..." It was a funny moment, but the message was clear: because they're not married, they are both, in effect, dread gaming each other indefinitely. And as a result: this is actually doing wonders towards keeping the attraction alive (long term).

So yeah: TLDR: Don't get married. Not only is it totally unnecessary when having kids, as far as the overall quality of your relationship goes, it'll probably work in your favor.

Whisper · 2016-10-21T20:52:05+00:00

You do not have a vagina. You can't have children.

Because under no circumstances can they be your children. Married or not, they are her children, and you will have precisely the type and degree of contact with them that she allows, nothing more.

The ancient-world family was a man, his children, and the various women he got them on.

The old-world family was a man, his wife, and their children.

The new-world family is a woman, her children, and the state.

IS_SUBTLY_IRRELEVANT · 2016-10-21T22:41:19+00:00

I think Rollo Tomassi wrote pretty in depth about this.

Toussant · 2016-10-21T19:38:20+00:00

private marriage

spar101 · 2016-10-21T19:41:22+00:00

You have to ask yourself if your desire to want kids is worth the risk of being stuck in a crappy marriage or getting screwed in a divorce.

Willkuer_ · 2016-10-21T20:46:37+00:00

Where I live the unmarried father will be written into the birth certificate if the mother accepts. This automatically gives you all rights. She can only get your money if you are the official father. But again that gives you 50% of all decisions. So marrying is really not needed.

But both marriage and getting children leads to some co-dependency. And, thus, you always have problems after the relationship died. Just consider you get a really nice job somewhere else but can't go there because your child is stuck with mom.

It's a decision you need to do that changes your life for at least 18 years. Just consider who you were 18 years ago and who you'll be in 18 years.

I am a divorced father and don't regret anything. But again that might be local law and possibly my mindset.

wanderer779 · 2016-10-21T21:36:29+00:00

I have a kid with no marriage. Ideally I'd rather have marriage (I refuse to refer to the shitshow we have now as marriage), because it makes a lot of legal things simpler.

I don't know what I'm missing not being married to be honest. It's not like it's much of a commitment anymore so there's really no security to it anymore, especially for men. There probably is some loss of social standing. But most of the people who look down on you for not being married are the same people who would be nowhere to be found if you got divorce raped and were looking for a helping hand.

I'm open to hearing any arguments for marriage but so far I am not convinced that it makes any sense for me.

Willow-girl · 2016-10-21T23:29:45+00:00

If you don't mind the kid(s) not being yours biologically, you could adopt an orphan. But how possible it is that a single man gets to adopt a kid? The kid would need to be in their early teens because Social Services doesn't trust men with toddlers for the fear of child rape.

I wish you good luck though.

2016-10-22T03:26:02+00:00

You can not have a kid. Only a woman can do that. Ever wonder why a father's consent isn't needed for an abortion when the female is married?

Willow-girl · 2016-10-22T03:45:11+00:00

Statistically, children born to single mothers tend to fare worse than those born to married mothers, and unmarried parents are less likely to stay together than married ones.

Kenny_Twenty · 2016-10-22T04:52:31+00:00

Am I wrong to feel that wanting children is, in and of itself, inherently blue pill?

wont_tell_i_refuse · 2016-10-22T05:03:39+00:00

TRP isn't the Bible. Do as thou wilt. Just know the risks.

sunkindonut149 · 2016-10-21T19:43:30+00:00

That's the plan. Protect your assets.

Title	If I want children, should I still not get married?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	7
Comments	31
Date	October 21, 2016 7:27 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/58p3v4/if_i_want_children_should_i_still_not_get_married/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/if-i-want-children-should-i-still-not-get-married.76408 https://theredarchive.com/post/76408

Comments