Husband with a temper

teaandtalk · 2021-03-28T20:55:37+00:00

Have you read Surrendered Wife? I think you should give it a look.

Right now, his temper is affecting you, but it's also affecting your children. Yelling at a baby is not okay, and can lead to lots of issues later on.

I'm assuming that he hasn't gotten physical. Is that correct?

charisma2006 · 2021-03-29T03:08:35+00:00

There is a book I read recently called “Loving Your Spouse when You Feel Like Walking Away” by Gary Chapman. You’re not thinking of walking away, but it’s a topical book that speaks to very specific issues in marriages, one chapter per issue (anger, substance abuse, workaholic, etc), so it’s more like a reference than a novel. Anyway, I mention it because there is a chapter in there about dealing with a husband who sounds like yours: good man but works a lot, wife struggles to get him to slow down, he has a short temper. The author does a great job talking about personal boundaries, expectations on the part of the wife, etc. Maybe you would find it helpful. :)

I’m also reading “Loving Him Well,” by the “other” Gary (Gary Thomas), and really like it. It’s about influencing your husband by taking your role as wife very seriously. I’ve learned a lot from it!

88scarlet88 · 2021-03-28T20:28:03+00:00

Shouting at you and the children is emotionally abusive. My ex husbands mum died and he’d yell at me and when I told someone at work, I was told that’s no excuse and she was 100% right. Occasionally snapping at those we love is something most people do if they are stressed and then they apologise after (if they aren’t abusive).

Try talking to him about how you feel, if he doesn’t acknowledge your feelings respectfully, and work with you to overcome the problem, it’s a sign he’s emotionally abusive. If he gets angry and yells when you try and talk to him reasonably, it’s a big red flag for emotional abuse. Do you fee like you have to walk on egg shells around him? Another big red emotional abusive sign. Here is an extensive list. Have a read and see if he checks any boxes.

If he is emotionally abusive, there will be no changing him, he’ll never work with you and will be unable to be empathetic to you or your kids. If this is the case, get out. Emotional abuse has life long negative effects for children, who witness and/or experience it. Your husband shouting angrily and loudly at your kids, will be detrimentally impacting their developing brains. If he can’t stop shouting at your kids, but doesn’t tick any other boxes for emotional abuse, then he needs to get some form of anger management. They are still very young, so if you can get out and/or get him to stop yelling, there shouldn’t be any serious consequences to their long term wellbeing.

SamathaStevens · 2021-03-28T20:23:46+00:00

I am so sorry that would be so hard! He seems to be doing it for the right reasons but the wrong way. Providing for your family is so important but not at the cost of seeing your family. It sounds like he is very fear driven right now and feels he can't stop. I think we are taught so early that whatever we have is not enough and we need to do more. This is taught to women that they have to be super mom.and boss baby while being a super model. Men get the message that all that matters is what your buddy has and how much nicer it is than yours. We have forgotten as a society to teach how to be content.

I don't know if this will help but could you sit down and have him make up a list of goals and ideals if what he wants? The idea of building your career is really never ending, you could do it every day. Maybe if he could see on paper what he is working for it would help him decide what to move forward on and what to pull back on. For example, is there are certain amount he could make with the side business where he would feel comfortable quitting his regular job? What age does he want to retire? What type of house, car ,education for the kids, ect is he working towards? I think seeing it all laid out may help him to see how well he is doing as well as she him the areas he should devote more time too.

After that is done, work on a list similar to the first but this is all the things he wants from his family life. He obviously feels he is doing this for you guys. So help him see what he is working for. Include big things like a trip to Europe to see art works and smaller things like family dinner 3 time a week and reading a bed time story. Things like little league coaching and high school track. Your 20th anniversary trip and summer vacations at the lake every year are always important. Ask him questions like "when you were growing up what did you wish you guys did as a family?" , "what did you not like about your child hood?"and "what do you want to show your kids? "(It can be a place or an idea like he is loyal, a hard worker,ect). Sometimes questions like this help make it easier to do.

I think right now it is so overwhelming when you only look at one side of it. He is seeing the only and you are seeing the time. It needs to come together in one big picture, rather than two separate pages. As you guys are doing this, talk to each other about what you want. If he dsys he wants the million dollar house, take his hand and say I really don't want a mansion I want you with us. If he says for the next three years he wants to work like crazy ,so he can slow down when the kids are older then be open to finding ways to make it easier for you while you support him in that.

It sounds your concerns have just become yet another issue or stress for him to try to manage, rather than understanding that you love him and are worried. I would pick a time when you know he isn't trying to finish something or waiting for a call(it sounds like that will be hard to do but try your best) and have a sitter for the kids. If you can leave the house that may help with the everyday distractions and just focus on this together.

bigodg · 2021-03-29T18:17:02+00:00

My prior life as a divorce attorney was a masterclass in what NOT to do. Three things I learned and implemented with my nearly grown children. First, everything (esp with the kids) relates back to Maslow's hierarchy. Food/Shelter > Safety > Love/Belonging > Esteem > Self Actualization. As little kids, parents are most in control of 1,2 and 3, and in so doing, kid takes care of 4 and 5 so long as you don't stand in the way. Second, one of the greatest gifts you can give a child is predictability. Preferably of predictable of being a great person. But nobody is perfect. Just try to be consistent about when you might be an a-hole. They will navigate around it if necessary. But mixed signals suck. Counter-intuitively, I have strived to be absolutely boring. This has yet to be proven in my kids (not quite old enough) but I figure if they felt secure enough as children, they will embrace risk at the right time as adults to make their lives better. Third -- it's not all on you. My parents were abusive. However, because they were predictable, and we never moved -- I just got my parenting elsewhere. Neighbors, teachers coaches, friend-group parents -- embrace their help as the situation arises. As to how this applies to your husband, it is a simple model he may be able to embrace: 1 )Don't scare anyone 2) Be boring 3) Be open to others. Since he is focused on work (and that is not necessarily a bad thing) he needs easy guiderails to follow. #1 is especially important because it strikes to the base of the Maslow pyramid. So he needs to yell into his pillow, but not at you or the kids. Hope this helps.

Title	Husband with a temper
Author	Time-Astronomer-145
Upvotes	24
Comments	22
Date	March 28, 2021 6:53 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/mf786z/husband_with_a_temper/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/husband-with-a-temper.766792 https://theredarchive.com/post/766792

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