Exactly 9 weeks ago(March 24th, see post history), I posted a question that resonated with many: was there any hope of attaining success and/or transforming your life after the age of 35? Many men responded with their stories and experiences; it was a very inspirational read and like a million times before, I decided I would transform my life following the advice given. So, how did I spend the past 9 weeks?

  • I went to the gym 14 times.....in 9 weeks. It would average out to 1.5 gym sessions per week; except the reality is: 1 or 2 weeks of 3 hour(minimum, sometimes 4 or 5) gym session, 4 times a week....followed by 1 or 2 weeks of no-gym. And then, another week of intense 4 days/long hours..and then 2 weeks of no-gym. Not because I injured myself.....but I just ran out of internal "gas" motivation, and my discipline is weak AF.

  • I am enrolled in a degree program that will guarantee close to 6 figures starting pay, and goes north of 200k with 5 years of experience. All I have to do is complete the requirements. Over the past 9 weeks, I did not study for a single hour. Not once did I sit down and study. Why? I wish I had an answer. I simply cannot summon the initiation energy to a) get up b) walk to my desk at home c) turn on my laptop d) study. Why haven't I been kicked out? Because I use my "smarts" to avoid the consequences of my failures, just like I get away with so many absences and not get fired from my current job(which is with a household name multinational). But as my good friend reminds me: "Dude, your luck will run out....then what?"

  • My apartment is a pig-sty for weeks. I do virtually no cleaning, no laundry for months, same bed-sheets for months. I did hire a cleaning company and they did a deep clean.....but as I write this, my desk/table is surrounded by fruit flies/gnats who have been birthed from rotting food in discarded takeaway fastfood containers delivered to me by DoorDash(and the other comfort food delivery services). It's as if it is impossible for me to follow a routine or a schedule, regardless how much I want to.

  • At the age of 37, what do I do in a typical day? Read biographies and military history. Follow sports and politics. Watch porn and fap. Order fast/junk/comfort food delivered to my doorstep(so that I don't have to step outside). Binge-eat/gorge myself. Watch a movie. Read some more articles/biographies of "great men"(because in my mind, I consider myself their equal, lol. Yes, I know, delusional); I also read articles/bios of captains of industry in the hopes of finding the "secret sauce" that propelled them to success.

This is the story of my life and it keeps repeating itself, over and over and over again. As I wrote 9 weeks ago:

I am continuously plagued by relentless ambition and burdensome ego that drives me on and upward, hellbent on taking(not asking, not standing in line) what's mine: success as a high-value man..............................................that is, until my next depressive episode hits and until my next executive dysfunction/ADHD downward spiral occurs.

A wave of enthusiasm that propels me for days before I burn out as soon as a) I run out of (internal) gas or b) I encounter adversity, and I turn to unhealthy, self-sabotaging coping mechanisms(carbs/fast food, porn/fapping, daydreaming, etc)

9 weeks. That is time that will never return. Time that has been permanently wasted, just as I wasted countless days, weeks, months, and years before.

I've been told to: "just accept who you are", and "be yourself" but fuck that noise. I refuse to accept mediocrity. I refuse to accept weakness. I will overcome. I will transform. And I will defeat the demons that have plagued my entire adult life. <------------- The problem is: I've made bold and determined statements like that hundreds of times, and each time, I meet with the exact same result after a few days of effort: back to square one: comfort-eating, comfort-fapping, wasting life away, watching others do great feats vicariously(sports, politics, etc).

Over the past few days, I have been grappling with the realization that I have wasted my life. That, whereas others, live life and fail and continue trying to live; I've been comfortably cocooned in my comfort zone, being a passive spectator in this wonderous and unique experience called Life. Never been married. Never had a LTR or even FWB. Always wanted to be a father, but not even close. Started multiple university degree-programs, never graduated or completed even once. Never took a vacation. Never took a major risk. All I have been doing is living passively and vicariously...dreaming big...and not completing the actual steps needed for greatness.

I could blame inattentive ADHD. Or PTSD. Or alternating episodes of depression and anxiety. But blaming and finger-pointing will not help or change the realities of my life(past, present, and future). This is the one life I have, and so far, I have wasted it. What good is the intelligence and physical strength I have been born with, if I can't chart a course, follow the road-map, and complete a journey? "You should run for political office", "You have amazing communication skills and charisma"

What good is all that when I can't fucking shower regularly? Or keep my apartment clean? Or complete a fucking semester of college, let alone a degree program? At 37!!!!!!!!!

The other realization: Even if I do change and transform completely....I'm still 37/38. By any measure, that's "old". Yes, yes, I know "Best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago/ 2nd best time is now".....but I will never be 18 or 22 or 27 or 31 or even 35. ( strike-thru'd because I am fully cognizant, that today is all I got. I was just venting)

EDIT: Paging: /u/New_Guard , /u/Sniper9990 , /u/themostgianthorse , /u/TheHotChocolate-Gent , /u/atticusfinch1973 , /u/ooohwowww , /u/falecf4 , /u/TrpKid2 , /u/daproest1 , /u/WhatRemainsAfter , /u/offroadrunner , /u/mrrooftops