so this is something i've been thinking about since the FDS podcast featuring Dr. Gail Dines. she was asked how she found her amazing feminist husband, and she joked that the goddesses blessed her. she went on to talk about how no, most men AREN'T at our standards, and if we find the rare good one we need to essentially train him.

this resonated with me quite a bit. it made me reflect on my relationship and how my partner is. it made me move some of my own internal lines in the sand.

he is not perfect by any means. his ability to communicate when he's upset about something isn't at a level i find acceptable. he does the standard man thing where he shuts down and takes a LONG time to respond, and it makes me want to rip my hair out. i just don't get it. i called my mom about it to see what she thought (before she retired she was a private therapist, as well as a government employee in the same field) and if this was a common occurrence with the men she dealt with in a professional setting. if i was being too unfair with my immediate expectations. she chastised me a bit for projecting my own thought processes onto my partner and explained all of the conditioning men have gone through when it comes to emotions and communicating, and how they're unlearning THEIR first language: anger.

if women are taught to smile, to nurture, to appease, men are taught their own fucked up line of stuffing their feelings away, twisting all negative emotions into anger, and not knowing how to properly cope through hardship. us ladies know how hard it is to not do simple things like smile at a man when we say hello, or to use words like "please" when asking for basic, basic boundaries.

unlearning your 'first language' is so hard for EVERYONE. so where is the distinguishing mark? where do we depart from Dr. Dines advice of "finding a good man and training him" and drawing the line for unacceptable behavior we all know are red flags? it's easy to look at a man and go NOPE, because all the flags he's waiving are red. but what do we do, and how do we vet the men who are willing and able to learn and grow? i'm sure the line varies greatly, and i'm sure there are plenty of men who coast on their ignorance even while knowing it exists.

for example, i know with my partner he has put a lot of work into himself. he can do more, for sure, but he's invested time into developing as a person. he treats me wonderfully and knows i am forever vetting. he knows my stances on all of the feminist rants and wants to be a better ally. he has been around for debates with male friends about feminist topics, and afterwards i explained to him what that person did was not productive for the conversation and was proving not to be the best ally. i've told him to be an ally you ask questions. you do research. you educate yourself, you immerse yourself in this culture that is foreign to you. you speak up when you see or hear something. you listen. you do all of this without being asked or told to, because that's what someone who cares does. telling him this felt like spoon feeding, honestly. but if this is what "training" is, i can train. if training is my mom suggesting a book for him and he buys it and reads it immediately, i'm okay with that. it's the same thing with chick friends; sometimes we have to help them see the light, but how do we do it?

all of our lines are different, but i'm wondering if there's commonalities that we can piece together to create some footing in that greyzone area, and to continue helping women navigate it all.