I am 15m+ into the divorce process in a state with equitable division. I(31f) have 3 children between 10 and 14. I have been the primary financial contributor for most of the 11 year marriage. My stbx worked several jobs but kept getting fired, laid off, or quit. His main focus has been and still is to be a musician.

I obtained my associates degree in 2010 and my bachelors in 2014. Majority of my schooling was completed online. I worked fulltime while I earned my associates and did not work while obtaining my bachelor's. I took 40k in student loans to support my home for the 20months it took to get my bachelors. My stbx didn't support me through school, have texts of him telling me i shouldnt have went because he needed me to fund is musican career. I now earn about 60k a year. Not a lot but I can provide for myself and my children.

I purchased my first home in 2010 at 20yo. It was solely in my name but purchased after I was married. When I sold that house, I purchased my 2nd home also only in my name. STBX didn't have income to add but did have debt. Doing a joint mortgage would not have been possible. From the sale proceeds from house 1, over 1/4 was used to purchase stbx a car and the remainder paid down debt, went to new house principle, or everyday living expenses.

I was always my childrens primary caregiver. I work from home most of the time and am off at 3. I did most doctor, dentist, and school things. I mainly did transportation for extracurriculars. I did at least 85% of the cooking, shopping, and cleaning. I really mean this. He could be at home and I'd have to leave work to get kids from school, take them to the Dr, etc.

Now with all that said...my STBX is coming after me for alimony($2000 per month) and my house. He wants 50/50 custody of kids and child support. He is currently in the martial home and I am staying with a relative. I pay the mortgage and cannot afford to pay to live somewhere else. He is claiming it was agreed he was a stay at home dad. It most definitely wasn't. If it was why would he work all these jobs, why would I have several text messages sending him jobs, and telling him he needs to work. Why would I be the one on all the kids medical/dental/school records. Why...because he wasn't. I never agreed to that. I fought him over and over and over again to work and make it a priority until I just gave up.

Any chance based on the above alone that he can get that alimony and/or my house? The children and child support part im not super concerned about. I don't think he should have 50/50 based on his instability(anger and financial), but if he can provide a place for them to live i can't fight that unless something bad happens and I really hope it doesn't because they love their dad.

I add the below for some context. I know a lot is up to judges and no one really knows where a judge sides on the below but they are facts none the less.

I know you are probably like why the hell didn't you leave earlier...stbx was very emotionally and physically abusive. Dont want to get into too much because I feel the liklihood of the judge saying our divorce was because of abuse is not a slam dunk. I have texts from him admitting abuse(the blackeye i gave you was an accident, I hope you are dead floating in the pool when I get back, etc) and pics of bruises/blackeyes but I only ever called police once and then I backed out. It happened, its why I left but is it provable 100%...idk.

My problem and what I'd say was my only real error in all this besides not leaving way earlier(I had tried), is that shortly after separating I got involved with a new man. It was so soon that my ex thinks it was before and idk how/if I can prove it wasn't. My ex had told my kids I cheated on him. My daughter found my new man on social media and reached out in a "hey i think you are talking to my mom and i want to know who you are" kind of way. I had to have a talk with my children about it because they asked. I told them the truth. I told them I didn't consider it cheating but people define cheating differently. I apologized to them if they considered it cheating and let them know it was not my intent to hurt anybody especially them. They are kids and don't understand everything. My younger 2 thought we were already divorced...like boyfriends and girlfriends just break up. I had to explain to them its a process, but I did not divulge details. So 7m after dating and 8m into the divorce, I introduced the kids to him. I didn't want to hide things from them and they wanted to know who he was. 14 months into the divorce process the new man spent the night with me, with the children present. I discussed with them beforehand and they all acted like I was crazy asking them for their input. He has hung out at my relatives house a lot since then and has spent the night a handful of times. Have I totally fucked myself?