What would you do if your ex or STBX got cancer?

omenoracle · 2018-10-30T02:51:23+00:00

He could feel so guilty that he cannot possibly face her under any circumstances. Changing your phone number to cut someone off is pretty extreme. He probably has his reasons. I am surprised that you haven’t asked.

She could also be a terrible person and cancer doesn’t change that.

My wife had very serious cancer 2.5 years ago. I would still reach out to her and offer to help anyway that I could if we were divorced. She probably wouldn’t accept it though.

Ebon13 · 2018-10-30T07:22:32+00:00

Guilt is definately a option. Cheating on someone only to later find out that they have cancer could be a serious blow to the conscience. However, I think the real reason is the fact that during the divorce process most people try to distance themselves from their stbx's in order to protect themselves. In some cases, they want to protect themselves from the memories of the relationship (good or bad), the the constant fear that the new change will bring. In this case, someone your boyfriend spent alot of time with now has a serious condition that may or may not end up being fatal. The way I see it, if she were to die and his last thoughts are that he left her for another woman before the end, it could be something that's on his mind until his dying day. He probably thinks it's better to forget her altogether and hope that she either recovers or goes quietly into the night.

Does his ex know that he left her for another woman? If not, he should probably confess, or at least talk to her. If his conscience isn't clear, your relationship may be in danger. Just my two cents.

reddixmadix · 2018-10-30T03:28:40+00:00

I really hope to hear from men who are divorced or in the process of divorcing or have been separated for an extended period of time.

TryToHelpPeople · 2018-10-30T05:21:34+00:00

Can men really compartmentalize to this degree? It’s like he doesn’t care that she might die. What if she does die? Will he then completely fall apart?

SPECTRE_UM · 2018-10-30T16:59:15+00:00

In your specific case there are a couple of possibilities: guilt and regret would be a likely one but there's also the possibility that it was her helplessness/neediness that helped drive him into your arms and he doesn't want to deal with that or he's a bit of a narcissist (not to a clinical level) or he isn't capable of processing empathy for her without causing himself personal distress (so consequently it's a question of out of sight, out of mind).

Personally, if my ex had cancer I'd be terribly conflicted between a sense of schadenfreude (because how she has conducted herself during and after the divorce) and empathy for my kids and what they will have to deal with. I've already shut her out- by her choice- so if it's not what she wanted going forward, well... she should have thought about that from the start.

In your case I think your BF needs to get some counseling so he can properly grieve both the end of the marriage and what she's going thru.

Edit: I would also echo what some others are saying, that his current reaction doesn't bode well for your relationship with him either.

SeenSomeShirt · 2018-10-30T17:14:33+00:00

Maybe, just maybe things were bad before he cheated. To the point that he really doesn't like her. I cheated on my spouse, and can't stand her. But there was a lot of bad that led up to the cheating. And 16 years is long enough to get tired of someones shit. He may not be telling you everything about the relationship, for example why was he emotionaly available to cheat.

Title	What would you do if your ex or STBX got cancer?
Author	somebodytosomeone
Upvotes	4
Comments	33
Date	October 30, 2018 2:39 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/9sjyg8/what_would_you_do_if_your_ex_or_stbx_got_cancer/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-would-you-do-if-your-ex-or-stbx-got-cancer.819953 https://theredarchive.com/post/819953

Comments