There is a girl in another subreddit who I am trying to help, regarding her boyfriend and lack of sex. He is too tired for sex most days. Is the advice I am giving her good advice?

MrsStrom · 2014-02-10T23:12:19+00:00

I don't know if this is red pill, I'm pretty new. But if this has been going on since the beginning (and isn't a short term stress related thing), then she might need to accept that this is him and she can't change him. She needs to decide if she can live with this forever, and if she can't she needs to find someone she's more compatible with. Some people just have lower drives than others, there's not always anything wrong, it could just be how they are.

Keep in mind the first six months or so usually have more sex and it tapers off to a maintainable level.

FleetingWish · 2014-02-11T01:42:31+00:00

I think I wrote a long winded post covering this a long time ago, but loss of libido in men can be caused by several things.

What you mentioned, feeling sex is an obligation. Being nagged to have sex is not a turn on.
Not feeling rewarded for having sex. Maybe the sex is just lousy for him.
Being nagged in other areas if his life. If he's being nagged and belittled all the time he's not going to feel like "the man" and sexy.
Loss of attraction. If she's gained weight or stopped taking care with her appearance it's going to lower his libido.
Depression or feeling like a failure. This could be due to how she treats him or from his job. Either way support him to make him feel like a success.
He's sick. Feed him chicken soup until he gets better.

little_red_ · 2014-02-11T03:35:43+00:00

I find it funny that in our LTRs RPW get laid like tile and these women on /r/relationships shun any advice from someone who is known as a RPW in regards on how to have a better relationship resulting in better and more sex. The proof is in the pudding.

little_red_ · 2014-02-11T01:17:32+00:00

Can you link to that particular post? I would like to see what the full story is before I really give some input.

OccamsUsername · 2014-02-11T01:07:17+00:00

Important: Has either one of them gotten fat since they first met?

2014-02-12T05:36:54+00:00

I've genuinely told a few girls I'm too tired and they mostly pout and sulk (nagging isn't sexy).

Except one or two - the first took my hand and put it between her legs and; without being overly crass, feeling the hot wetness down there and her grinding hungrily against my fingers did a one way ticket on "tiredness".

About 10 seconds after that I was ready to go, and 3 seconds after that she was riding me with enthusiasm, I naturally put in my side of the effort then - I was happy to and I had entirely forgotten about being "Tired". It's just a state of mind - change his mind.

2014-02-11T02:25:03+00:00

Being flirtatious and playful is always a great start. Make sure that your girlfriend knows that when her man comes home, she shouldn't be in sweat pants and a baggy shirt. She can spruce up her appearance a bit, flirt, be genuinely happy.

When a man comes home from work, he just needs a few minutes to relax and absorb all that has happened. Its stressful, no doubt. She can cook him dinner (or have dinner ready), speak with him about whatever he wants to talk about, maybe he'll vent a little bit or tell her a fun note about his day. She can offer to massage his shoulders, you know, to help him relax...and then continue from there. :)

Bakerofpie · 2014-02-11T02:49:03+00:00

I had some similar issues where I felt like my man should want me anyway and thought it was insulting that I should have to "work" for sex. It was tough coming around to how ridiculous a notion that is, but once it clicked with me how it isn't his fault or that he doesn't love me if he's not super aroused by pajama pants and ponytails, the sex became more rewarding and MUCH more frequent.

Also, if she is not initiating and expecting him to that could be a lot of it. Hubs gets very tired from work and sometimes wanted to have sex but was too tired to put the effort into getting me ready to go and the seduction process. I try to be understanding of that and do most of the work when he's had a bad day, or even to just offer to give him a BJ if he's too worn out to participate at all. Having more sex makes you want more sex, so once you get over that first hurdle it becomes easier.

2014-02-13T11:28:04+00:00

Generally in these dead bedroom cases, it's simply that one person, either the man or woman, has just stopped being attractive. Being RPW in terms of her moral sentiments and ideology can only help so much; the problem is most likely that her attractiveness has gone down. People will use the excuse "oh he's so busy, oh we've been tired from work, oh there's so much chores." In reality though, if someone turns you on enough, a guy will fuck her after a 16 hour workday, on top of dirty dishes. Even in the tough times, a couple that is attracted to each other will remain intimate.

And because attractiveness is subjective, as time passes, HIS attraction to her will always be on the slow decline. So his sexual interest is going to slowly fizzle out if she remains the exact same - let alone if she lets herself go. The only way to keep sexual interest / attractiveness to the other consistently high as a LTR goes from early phase to late phase is for both parties to improve.

little_red_ · 2014-02-10T23:20:49+00:00

Make sure he has a happy and relaxed environment to come home to. A cooked meal, a clean house, maybe a 6 pack of his favorite beer. Let him initiate conversation, some men would like an hour of peace and quiet when they get home so they can unwind without being berated with questions about their day or if they are enjoying the pot roast you made for dinner or if plans are still on for the weekend or if he has any laundry that needs to be done or...you get my point. Let this go on for a bit, offer blowjobs, almost every man will appreciate it especially if he is tired. Do you know what kind of work he does? If he works long laborious hours he may just generally be spent and/or not getting the right nutrition to keep him going.

shitlordlucy · 2014-02-12T00:20:16+00:00

I'd say that's good advice, although I think when a man turns a woman down for sex there is usually deeper things at play (assuming he's doing this all the time, not just once in a while- all men get tired sometimes!) Have you asked her about his work situation?

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