Supporting vs controlling--why is this confusing to me?

MsSadieDunham · 2017-01-01T16:31:43+00:00

You may be doing too much! You're doing things thinking you're helping and he's feeling "She's doing it all so there's nothing for me to do because she doesn't trust me".

So one thing I would do is begin asking him before you do things. "I was going to make steak tips tonight for dinner, does that sound OK?" "Do you want me to pay the cell phone bill or wait?"

Another thing could be the way you're presenting things when you do them. Are you being controlling or demanding? When he tries to do something do you come along side him to "fix" it?

He may also feel like you're mothering him. Which you definitely don't want! You could try dropping everything you do and see what he picks up. I hope some of these ideas were helpful.

UnrefinedFacade · 2017-01-01T17:36:42+00:00

Maybe you could redistribute the household chores a bit? Ask for help because you are feeling a little overwhelmed and find out what tasks he would like to be responsible for. If he feels like he is taking care of you he might be more motivated to step up.

My husband handles the finances, trash, everything outside, maintenance, and the fun parenting tasks (outings and such), while I am responsible for cleaning, cooking, shopping, and the routine parenting tasks. It has been this way for basically forever, but each time we have moved for his career there was a period of renegotiation of duties and that kept us both on the same page.

Austinisfullgohome · 2017-01-02T13:46:50+00:00

Well, I always try to "need" my man for something that I can compliment him for so he feels engaged and important in the home. For example, I'll ask him to bring in the heavy groceries and tell him how strong he is. Or have him put stuff in storage and tell him how smart he is to Tetris all that stuff in there. But if the only time you compliment him is when he does something for you, he probably won't believe you. Do you tell him when he looks handsome? Do you tell him when you enjoy sex? Do you tell him you love him? I'd be wary too if I only received praise when doing favors.

And why does he think he'll do it wrong? Do you criticize him when he does take initiative? Do you micromanage the way he does things for you? Do you redo them yourself afterwards? If so, he probably doesn't see the point in helping.

Basically if your exchanges are like this it might be the problem:

"Honey, can you take out the trash?"

"Sure, in a bit".

"Can you do it now, please?...No, don't double knot the bag. It'll stretch and tear if you do that... Aren't you gonna put a new bag in before you take that outside? Just -- never mind, I'll do it myself."

Sometimes we do these things without being aware, or with the best intentions. Try to make him feel needed as a man.

TheMrs_ · 2017-01-03T16:14:15+00:00

OP informed me that my comment was deleted. Sometimes my phone posts three or four copies, and I try to catch them and delete them all, which once in a while results in all of them being deleted. She was thoughtful enough to message me and copy and paste what I wrote back to me, thanks OP!

Here is my original comment in response to this post:

We have a similar situation. When my husband is doing something nice for me, he will step in and take care of the kids or housework and allow me to relax because he knows I like it. If I do the same for him, he feels unneeded, unwanted, and unloved. He has told me that if I ask him for help more often, it makes him feel needed/wanted. Instead of complimenting him on what a good job he's done, I simply try not to criticize him and just say "Thank you, love". This make him feel appreciated without being condescending.

Compliments on a job well done are easy when it comes to kids but more difficult when it comes to adults because it's easy to sound like you're talking down to him. Once in a great while, when I am overwhelmed with pride at our marriage or a big accomplishment of his, I will say "I am so proud to be your wife" or "I am so proud to have you for my husband". This is a way of saying you're proud of him without sounding condescending or belittling him.

Thanks again OP for catching that.

justanotherusername4 · 2017-01-03T15:40:07+00:00

I'd say you need to get your "territories" straight. What areas do you want him to step up in, then back out of those.

Also, if he does something, NEVER criticise HOW. Or, as my DH would say: "If you don't like how I [ex. fill the dishwasher], go do it yourself from now on."

Also also, give him time. He may need to learn how to trust you and step up. If he doesn't and continues to act like "a spoiled child" as you say.... is he really a Captain or are you wishing for him to be?

thisgalstryin · 2017-01-04T03:40:59+00:00

for those of you who read this before the edit...I do still "turkey" appreciate the time you took to read the OP.....hahaha! I can't believe I didn't catch that until now. ;)

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Title	Supporting vs controlling--why is this confusing to me?
Author	thisgalstryin
Upvotes	6
Comments	15
Date	December 31, 2016 7:31 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5l8n5m/supporting_vs_controllingwhy_is_this_confusing_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/supporting-vs-controlling-why-is-this-confusing-to.86785 https://theredarchive.com/post/86785

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