Girlfriend pinches me and I swat her hand to stop her from doing it and now I'm the one that is wrong.

dungone · 2015-09-02T09:12:47+00:00

You need to set boundaries and enforce them. Don't just swat her away in the heat of the moment. Explain to her that when you say "stop", you mean it and then say stop when she inevitably repeats her behavior. When she keeps doing it anyway, explain to her that because she doesn't understand the word "stop", you don't want her to ever pinch you again for any reason, even if she thinks she's just having fun. This probably won't be enough, either, so you'll have to rinse, lather, and repeat until she finally gets it. Or break up with her.

Wargame4life · 2015-09-02T09:26:01+00:00

"It's 'abuse' to defend against my abuse"

personally i would tell her to go fuck herself because that level of delusion and entitlement only ends badly.

Jesus_marley · 2015-09-02T13:30:56+00:00

One of the tools in the abuser toolbox is to shift blame for the abuse to the victim. (I wouldn't hit you if you didn't make me angry. I wouldn't do it if you didn't deserve it. These are classic excuses used to justify their own shitty behaviour.

Your girlfriend is abusive. Physically and emotionally. It is only going to get worse over time, OP. and you excusing and justifying her actions aren't going to make things better for you. All I can do is to encourage you to get out now before the situation escalates and you get hurt. It's OK to admit that you are a victim. In fact, that's the only way that you will be able to get out of this situation intact. as long as you provide her with excuses for her abuse, it will never stop.

I wish you all the best OP and I hope you get out sooner rather than later.

Throughawaaaaya · 2015-09-02T08:32:00+00:00

She is abusive. Be very careful, you may need to get out of the relationship if he behaviour doesn't subside. You can't convince abusive people to stop.

Throughawaaaaya · 2015-09-02T09:59:22+00:00

[permanently deleted]

acr1d · 2015-09-02T08:25:50+00:00

No, your girlfriend is abusive, you just defended yourself. Her behavior is something that would make me want to end a relationship.

Vance87 · 2015-09-02T13:33:47+00:00

Been through that shit. Got punched in the chest, told her to stop, she goes to punch me again and I block her hand. Apparently, that made me "mean" and "not fun to play with". Bitch, getting punched hurts.

philosarapter · 2015-09-02T19:53:45+00:00

"Never slapped me that hard without a good reason, and if I did its because I just let my hand a little too hard."

That just shows your her perspective on things. She thinks its ok to hit you as long as there is "good reason", while you cannot so much as swat at her hand without her crying abuse.

At the very least you have a woman who is outdated her views about the sexes and who feels she is beyond reproach and above the law. At the worst you have an abusive girlfriend who uses anger, coercion and guilt to manipulate you into doing what she wants. You know her more than we do, so you decide.

SigmundFloyd76 · 2015-09-02T16:17:41+00:00

"Slapped me twice while we were quietly watching TV"

-is what it could say on the Emergency Protection Order that she could be granted without you ever knowing. The police would show up, tell you they have a court order, from a judge, that clearly states that you, sir, have 30 mins to gather your "belongings" and leave the house.

You can not contact, directly or indirectly, your (ex) partner, or your children under threat of certain imprisonment and criminal charges.

You have the right to apply to have the EPO overturned, but your lawyer, your own lawyer you sold your car to pay for says you'd be "stupid" to even try.

But you're innocent. You've never laid a finger on her, in anger or not; in fact: She's the violent and unstable one. Doesn't matter. This isn't a criminal proceeding. You aren't "innocent until proven guilty, nor are do you need to be found guilty "beyond a reasonable doubt"; this was Ex Parte, meaning you don't even get a say. Meaning your 'guilt' is determined On balance of probability; so it "probably" happened.

But you have no criminal record, never even had a complaint against you, in fact, it's your ex who's the known abuser: Doesn't matter.

Divorce lawyers are now suggesting this tactic as a strategy because it ensures instant control of the kids and the assets as well as the assassination of the character of the respondent as far as family court is concerned. They'll use it against you, even though you were never criminally convicted of ANYTHING, they'll say it proves you are an "unfit" parent and they'll systematically remove you from your kids lives and turn you into a walking ATM.

Perhaps I sound alarmist? Crazy, even? Well mine said exactly this:

"...he slapped me while I held my newborn baby..."

Nobody cared that she was suffering severe postpartum psychosis, that the indecent she referenced was 2 years previous, that she suffered mental illness etc etc.

I got my kids back. They're great. But the house I built with my two hands is not mine anymore.

I have posted my tale numerous times over the years here on /r/MensRights, every time I'm deluged with mail from other guys, just like me, who had their lives ruined by vindictive woman ans Ex parte court orders. YOU are me, you are all of those dudes who told the same tale. It always began the same.

And it wouldn't be as if your ex was lying, she truly believes you did something wrong. It's not much of a stretch to imply you are "dangerous". See how easy?

Cheers brother. All the best to you.

myschadenfreude · 2015-09-02T19:04:30+00:00

She's abusive. Dump her.

It truly is that simple, change the sexes in that story and read it to yourself. Would you tell a girl to stay? Thought not.

Good luck.

Step_Your_Gains_Up · 2015-09-02T13:38:36+00:00

Take this as a sign to get out.

SCROTAL-SACK · 2015-09-02T13:53:39+00:00

Time for a new girlfriend. "Thats the first sign of an abuser".. This is a dangerous situation. And she's abusive and can't even see it. Don't try and resolve this.

yummyluckycharms · 2015-09-02T17:05:11+00:00

Hold frame and do not apologize or try to explain.

To be honest, the fact that she called you an abusive person to your face and was serious about it is a huge red flag and I would dump her for just that. Have some self respect and realize that there are tons of women out there and she should be 100% happy with the one that you are with not 95%.

ontheskippy · 2015-09-02T17:18:25+00:00

The fact that she used the word abuser makes me fear for you. Do as another fellow said and set boundaries, but also record some interactions for evidence, should she try to have you arrested.

intensely_human · 2015-09-02T17:29:47+00:00

Just an aside, it's spelled "nipple", not "nimple".

eletheros · 2015-09-02T17:29:52+00:00

and that it's the first sign of an abuser

It is. She's engaged in some of the first signs of being a harpy.

Dump her yesterday. Block her number. Find somebody else.

McFeely_Smackup · 2015-09-02T20:26:06+00:00

Just imagine a man saying to a woman " I Never slapped her that hard without a good reason, and if I did its because I just let my hand a little too hard."

Is there really any question what the response would be?

blueoak9 · 2015-09-03T00:56:08+00:00

"So some time passes and tells me that I am completely improper and that it's the first sign of an abuser. Not going to lie r/mensrights she smacks me around all the time in a playful matter for making a comment that was rude or some other thing."

She slaps you around and you're the abuser? Dr. Tara Palmatier calls that DARVO -Deflect, Accuse, Reverse the Victim and Offender. It is a standard tactic among abusers.

SporkTornado · 2015-09-02T16:31:43+00:00

She is an abuser. She is violent. If you fight back in self defense, you will be held liable. Dump her now, do not wait.

2015-09-02T09:31:22+00:00

No you are not the wrongdoer in this situation, my recommendation is that you get out of the relationship as this will get worse as time goes by.

THEMACGOD · 2015-09-02T13:20:06+00:00

So, she physically continued after you made it clear you wanted her to not do that... The next time she "playfully" hits you tell her that's the first sign of an abuser and walk away.

double-happiness · 2015-09-02T14:00:16+00:00

she smacks me around all the time in a playful matter

Try keeping a log, buy a cheap diary and write down all the occasions when she does this. Don't tell her about it, but wait a while until you have built up a body of physical abuse events. Then choose an appopriate time (alone or with a trusted friend / family member present) to confront her about them. Doing it this way will provide a hard-to-deny body of evidence, along with evidence that you take these incidents seriously.

You might also try to find some leaflets along the lines of 'help for DV abusers' butof course with the current bias these will mostly be aimed at men.

I feel getting stuff in print and/or writing will be a good signal that you are taking these events seriously and also a low-conflict means of addressing the situation. Good luck.

Edit: try printing out some of these:-

http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/help_for_abusers.html

http://www.thehotline.org/help/for-abusive-partners/

Print them out, don't just give her the links. I think these ones are gender-neutral, read them over first to check.

Edit 2:

The only thing I do on purpose is bite hard and sometimes her nimples [sic]

I would maybe stop doing this, at least for the time being. It might be a good thing to de-escalate things physically by avoiding any kind of 'rough play'.

Throughawaaaaya · 2015-09-02T12:29:16+00:00

I know that feel, man.

Had an ex who would always flip out when I blocked her play-punches. Never took issue with it myself just because we were playing around and i'm bigger than her, so when she full on tried to hit my shoulders it didn't hurt.

But most of the time i'd be quick enough and put my hand up to block her. She'd of course not react quickly enough and end up slamming her hand into the back of my blocking fist instead of the soft shoulder.

Problem is that every time she'd do that she would really hurt her hand. Which was followed by a short time of bitching about how I hurt her and I should apologize.

dangerousopinions · 2015-09-02T13:00:02+00:00

Put your foot down on these issues and don't give up any ground. You teach people how to treat you to a large extent and it sounds like she is just used to getting her way or not being contradicted by anyone.

I've had somewhat comparable issues in relationships (not so much physical but just disrespect) and I just don't back down or concede the point for as long as it takes and things have worked out for the better. She will either come around and see that she's wrong, or she won't and there is nothing you can do about that.

What you don't want to do is apologize for reacting reasonably to her disrespect or inappropriateness. There is nothing to apologize for and it only gives her a false sense of righteousness. It won't help your relationship at all long term.

mariox19 · 2015-09-02T13:56:39+00:00

[S]he gets mad at nearly every party we go to because I limit her drinks.

I'd be interested in knowing why you limit her drinks, because I think it may be important.

I had a girlfriend years ago that I would not go to bars with, because of her drinking. It's not that she drank an awful lot; it's because it only took her having two drinks for her to turn hostile. And, truth be told, she wasn't inclined to stop after two drinks.

Is something like this going on with your girlfriend? What happens if you don't limit her drinks.

I was too naive to pick up on what I would now unequivocally identify as a red flag. "In vinum veritas," as the saying goes. ("In wine there is truth.") If there is something wrong with her when she drinks too much, there is something wrong with her. And if that's the case, don't fool yourself—break up with her now, and for that reason alone.

Landjo · 2015-09-02T14:07:59+00:00

For better or for worse, women are both culturally and biologically programmed to be very sensitive to even the slightest sign that her mate may abuse his superior physical strength towards her. I have myself experienced a similar situation that led to a huge overreaction, even though I am about as non-violent against any gender as one can be.

There may be a fine line here between justified but exaggerated concern, and abuse of "female" power as an instrument of control. You have to tell her clearly that you will never be violent towards her, but that the incident and her reaction also feels abusive (but make sure to tell her that you are sure that was not her intention). Show that you fully understand her underlying concern, then tell her yours.

If she refuses to understand you then, then chances are that you indeed have an abusive woman on your hands.

AnonymousAutonomous · 2015-09-02T15:44:25+00:00

She might have been trying to be playful. When my girl did this, I "play wrestle" with her. Not everyone is like this though.

2015-09-02T22:43:07+00:00

Also, it might sound like I'm being bullied and I'm not.

You are correct about not being bullied. However, you are clearly being both verbally and physically abused by your girlfriend.

denach644 · 2015-09-03T05:41:41+00:00

Alright, so here's the deal... Put aside this "he/she's abusive" blah blah crap.
Call her out on being stupid and be done with it.

AlexReynard · 2015-09-03T09:09:07+00:00

she says that she "Never slapped me that hard without a good reason

That is EXACTLY what an abuser sounds like. They justify causing pain by blaming the person they're causing it to. Dump the fuck out of her. You deserve better.

garglemesh42 · 2015-09-03T11:12:41+00:00

I'm would harm another person with an immediate threat (especially a woman) and she knows that.

What the heck does that even mean?

DougDante · 2015-09-02T11:13:43+00:00

I'm guessing your girlfriend pinched your nipple as a way of flirting, and she was upset when you rejected her sexual advances.

This is the type of behavior, on both sides, that might fit the technical legalistic definition of abuse, but which is not necessarily abusive in reality.

2015-09-02T12:54:19+00:00

This is a clear case of nimple abuse. You should call the cops!

Title	Girlfriend pinches me and I swat her hand to stop her from doing it and now I'm the one that is wrong.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	42
Comments	73
Date	September 2, 2015 8:09 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/3jbxgx/girlfriend_pinches_me_and_i_swat_her_hand_to_stop/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/girlfriend-pinches-me-and-i-swat-her-hand-to-stop.972150 https://theredarchive.com/post/972150

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