Disclaimer: I searched through this sub to see if this question or issue had been brought up and I'm sure likely it has at some point so forgive me if I'm beating a dead horse but I'm new to this sub, as well as Reddit in general, but this is an issue that I've been passionate about so I was hoping to get some feedback from other men about this.

So lets continue

Several years ago I was in a long-term committed relationship with a woman who I (believed) that I loved deeply, and who felt the same about me. We were like best friends and had great chemistry, on-par communication, similar interests and we were on the same sort of path in terms of goals and dreams we shared.

About a year and a half into the relationship she wound up getting pregnant. We realized this after she missed her period which sent her into full-blown panic mode which only got worse when she took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. In retrospect, I believe that because I showed such an enthusiastic response this probably pushed her away even further because in her mind she was dead set on never, ever having children.

For the first few weeks she played along as if it was going to be alright and maybe having a child wouldn't be that bad. I tried to comfort her and get her excited about having a child. We both had good jobs, we had a nice place to live, top of the line healthcare coverage and loving and supportive families who didn't object to us having a child together. Of course we weren't married but neither of our families viewed that as a problem and just assumed we'd tie the knot sometime in the near future.

I, personally, have always wanted to be a father. Of course, I wanted to be responsible and wait until I was in a situation where I could adequately provide for my son or daughter; and naturally I wanted to make sure I was with the right woman who I felt could be the best potential mother for our child. It wasn't something I set out to accomplish or something that I'd push on every girl I got involved with for an extended period of time but I will say it was in the back of my mind. I'd always look at a partner's character to determine whether or not she'd be a suitable mother.

When my ex and I would go to Wal-Mart or some other department store I'd want to go check out the baby aisles and start looking at accessories, cribs, walkers, strollers, etc and it would fill me with this inexpiable sort of joyous anticipation. Plus it felt so good knowing that at the point of my life that I was in, I could look at my bank account and see that I had more than enough money to buy my son or daughter everything that he or she would need; as well as provide for my pregnant girlfriend or "wife-to-be".

After about a month her tone started to change drastically. She would always ask me if I was "suuure" that I wanted to have this baby. If I thought she'd be a good mother. If I thought I'd be a good enough father. She had so many doubts and fears but I tried my absolute damndest to comfort her and reassure her that it was all going to be okay. Still, I overheard conversations she'd have (I wasn't trying to eavesdrop but she didn't exactly make it hard to hear her either) talking to her friends about her concerns and that she was doubting whether or not to keep the baby.

I didn't want to push the issue because I felt that it would drive her away even more so; I didn't demand that she push the idea of abortion out of her mind or even get mad at her for bringing it up. I am very, very adamantly pro-life but I can respect her enough to know that it's something that comes up in some women's minds especially when they find out about an unexpected pregnancy. I don't condone it but, out of love and respect for her, I wasn't going to bash her over the head with my ideologies either.

One day I got home from work and found her in the bedroom in a sort of weird, blank state. Very unlike her as she was always bubbly and full of energy. She seemed despondent and aloof but tried to brush it off and tell me that nothing was wrong. "Nothing is wrong, I'm fine. It's fine," she kept repeating over and over. I could always read her like a book and I knew her moods well enough to know something was obviously not fine. I tried to let it go for the rest of the day but something just wasn't sitting right with me. I brought up something about some crib I saw online or SOMETHING, I don't remember what it was exactly but it was some random baby item related comment I brought up in casual conversation and she just flipped. Like literally lost her shit.

"STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS FUCKING BABY SHIT FOR FUCKS SAKE JUST STOP! I NEVER WANTED A BABY! I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR GETTING ME PREGNANT! I DIDN'T WANT YOUR FUCKING BABY, I NEVER DID! THERE IS NO FUCKING BABY SO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

I will never forget that sinking feeling, like all the blood went from my head, down my face and smushed into a big clotted ball that sank down to the pit of my stomach. I thought I was having a bad dream. It felt so fucking surreal. I saw her waiting for my reaction. I could see her eyes tearing up. Her tone changing too. Realizing the truth was out now and there was no turning back.

"What do you mean there's no 'fucking' baby?," I asked her. Thinking surely maybe she meant that it was a false positive and she wasn't really pregnant. At the worst, did she have a miscarriage? I felt devastated enough at the thought of her miscarrying but I was seriously not prepared for the words that were fixing to come out of her mouth. Could I have even been prepared for them? Can anyone prepare them for something like this?

"I got an abortion".

FOUR WORDS. These four words and I felt the course of my life change forever. FOUR WORDS. Even years later I remember the shakiness in her voice yet the calloused undertones. It sounded more like, "I got an abortion?", you know when a chick says something in a cocky sort of arrogant manner? That tone is only acceptable in terms of, "Ugh, what is she wearing?" or something like that. "I got an abortion" (like it was even a queston?) All I could think about was our trips down the baby aisle, the cute baby shit we looked at together on Pintrest, the conversation with my parents and how excited they were to be Grandparents but how even more excited and thrilled I was to be a Dad, all of the hopes and dreams I had for my future son or daughter and imagining what all that would be like. FOUR WORDS was all it took to break me down completely like a gust of wind to a house of cards.

I couldn't even say anything. What could I say? Nothing I could say would change what happened. No matter what words I use or how loud I yell or however I might channel my anger none of that would bring my baby back from some garbage can or dumpster back safe and sound to her womb. What was done was done. I grabbed my car keys off the kitchen counter and just walked out the door. She tried to stop me and all I can remember was choking back tears trying not to show that she had completely destroyed me and telling her to just simply, "stay. the. fuck. away. from. me."

She didn't test me. I'm grateful for that because honestly I don't know what I might have done if I had stayed in the state of mind I was in. My child was dead. To me (and I know a lot of people debate about this, I'm just stating from my perspective) she had just murdered my child and attempted to sweep it under the rug or hide it under the floorboard like some fucking Edgar Allen Poe thing until eventually her conscience kept screeching at her like the raven saying "NEVERMORE!" causing her to just come out with the truth. How long had she been hiding this from me? I later found out she had got the abortion a whole WEEK prior to telling me the truth. Seven days of leading me on to believe that she was pregnant. Seven days of pretending she still was. Seven days of saying she wasn't in the mood for sex. Seven days of going to bed early. Seven days of me being too fucking blind to read the writing on the wall.

I remember taking a drive. I made the mistake of checking my voicemail, which I rarely do anyway; I don't remember how many calls I had but after about four messages asking about how my ex was doing, how the pregnancy was coming along, what had the doctors been saying, congratulatory niceties and how me and her and the baby were "in their prayers"; I finally threw the phone out the window. I seriously lost my shit. I never had thought so earnestly about suicide in my entire life but I thought that if I killed myself that would be the only way I'd ever get to see, touch or hear my child; the only way I'd ever get to hold him or her in my arms; the only way I'd be able to hear their laugh; all the things I dreamed of, the things I longed for; now all gone, never to happen, never to become a reality. If my child was dead I wanted to be dead too.

Had I already failed as a father? My sworn duty was to protect my child and I couldn't even do that. Was my child dead because of something I had done? What had I done? What could I have done differently? What difference did it make now? These questions, even now, still haunt me. I don't quite know what to make of them but every time I read posts or hear people say that in terms of abortion it's the "woman's right to choose" and how the "man has no say" all I can remember is that night when my world came crashing down.

I know a lot of you probably aren't religious and I don't want to spark any sort of pro-life vs. pro-choice debates or talk about our religious views but for my own sanity and comfort I like to think that one day I'll get to be with my son or daughter; I like to imagine that they're growing up, healthy and happy in some better place and smiling down on me; I hope that they haven't forgotten about me up there because I definitely haven't (and will never) forget about them. I guess my whole point is in terms of this whole woman's right to choose vs men's right sort of context; I know I'm not the only one who has been utterly destroyed when a pregnant girlfriend or spouse went behind her child's father's back and got an abortion without his knowledge or consent; without even telling him about it at all.

People joke about how it's obviously for the best. "Who would want to raise a child with a bitch like that for a mother?" That's what most of the guys tell me. I've had numerous women find some way to blame me and tell me that I must've done something wrong; I pushed her into a pregnancy that she didn't want and so she reacted out of fear and out of being smothered and trapped; that she did the best thing for her AND for me and the child, especially if she felt she wasn't capable of being a mother. To me these things sound good but it doesn't stop the pain and it really just adds insult to injury. I've only met a small handful of people who even tell me they understand. It's not like she just took some clump of cells out of her body and tossed them away and then POOF she's not pregnant. The pain, to me, feels as if I lost an actual child; because, in my mind, I did.

Never before had I felt so betrayed. Never before had I felt such loss, such agony, such intense pain and emotional suffering. But no one listened. No one understood. Everyone just tried to talk me out of feeling this way. The best condolences I got was that, "Well, the baby is in a better place." Well, fuck me then! If my child is in a better place then I sure as hell better be there with them and what loving parent can even say with a straight face, without choking back tears, without the tinge of regret or the sensation of knives stabbing into the lining of your stomach that your dead child who will never be in your arms or in your home is somehow "in a better place". It goes without saying that my faith which I once held so dear became very strained and challenged until it was damn near non-existent.

I started drinking heavily, got back into drugs (had been abusing illegal pain killers) and just stopped caring about everything. Naturally, I broke up with the girl as soon as I got back home. It was a split lease so I just let her keep the place. I packed all my shit while she was gone to work, went to the office and paid $1600 (my half of the rent - $400 - for the remaining four months we had on the lease) to avoid any kind of penalties for breaking the lease or her skipping out on me and leaving my credit screwed up. I felt I was at least taking the high road. I was acting irrational but at least I was still fiscally responsible. Besides I had plenty saved up that was going towards the baby fund which obviously wasn't necessary.

I've found it very difficult to trust women at all now. I don't quite know when or if I'll be able to reconcile this deathblow, if I'll be able to heal and move on. I don't know what to do but I feel like there's something here, some lesson, something I can take and make into something that might help someone as well as help myself through this loss. So I'm glad I found this subreddit community; I'm glad I found other men who understand clearly how we are being oppressed and discriminated against by radical feminists and their warped ideology. I'm sorry that I've almost taken up this entire 15,000 word count limit but I've never really been able to get all of this off my chest before so seriously if you made it this far thank you, I mean it!

What I hope to achieve someday, if not through sharing this story here but perhaps through talking to others and fighting for men's rights; I hope to find other men who have lost children through non consensual abortions which were done behind their back and without their knowledge. Sometimes when I hear about statistics regarding abortion I wonder how many other men who TRULY wanted to be fathers, who TRULY were capable of providing not only an adequate life for their son or daughter but also for the child's mother, who were WILLING and READY to step up to the plate and do anything and everything that a father should, who were EXCITED and THRILLED at finally having a child to raise and to step boldly into Parenthood who were robbed of that by a woman who got an abortion behind his back. How many other men know that sort of pain? How many of those men are even still alive to tell us about it today? I hope maybe that we might can find each other someday; to offer one another hope, support and healing; and to join our voices and raise them upwards to speak out against the exclusivity of a "woman's sole right to choose". It takes two the make a child and it should take two to choose to end the life of that child. I know that I'm just one voice crying out in wilderness of loneliness but I hope that other men might be able to hear my cries, to feel my pain and the suffering I've carried and perhaps we can make a difference for other men around the world who share this struggle.