Disclaimer: for much of this post, I'll be speaking in generalities. I know there are many healthy and well-adjusted women out there who defy the tropes and treat love and relationships in a healthy and fair fashion. Please assume I mean "some women" or "not all women" if in doubt.

Now that we're all clear on that...

In order to get a better handle on a discussion I was having in another sub, I watched a couple of Anita Sarkeesian videos (yeah...I know...). Even though I can't put my finger on what all the fuss is about where is comes to her, and I don't want to discuss her videos ITT, they were about the "Damsel in Distress" trope - that is, a helpless woman becomes the motivation for a male hero to embark on a rescue quest, invariably winning her love and admiration at the end.

Now, there are obviously some themes here that we're familiar with - the elevation of women's status making them the "important" people such that when they're in danger we instinctively wish to protect their well-being, for example. From a female perspective, the Damsel is the object of the story - lacking agency with regards to saving herself and relying upon a male's "power fantasy" to liberate her from the bad guy. Both ideas are legitimate, in my opinion.

But I'm more curious about the other side of the message - how does this affect us as men? These sorts of stories seem to have a very real effect on men's self-esteem when it comes to relationships, I think, and that is what I'm contending in this post.

The hero/damsel story reinforce the idea that, as men, in order for us to be loved and be deemed worthy, we must strive for some heroic ideal and put ourselves sometimes at risk to achieve it. There is a grain of truth to the fedora-tipping m'lady stereotype - lacking a proper example of what a healthy relationship looks like (and given the prevalence of divorce in the Western world, I doubt many of us do) relying upon some socially informed idea is all some men have. When in doubt, be nice and self-sacrifice (rhyme intentional).

Not only that, but if we fail in that quest, and let's be honest nearly every man does at some point, there's a sense that we're unworthy of love. If we don't win the girl, it's not because of a simple choice, incompatibility, or bad timing. It's because we didn't succeed in our quest. We failed as a person. As a man.

And, when we find it, this reinforces the idea that the pursuit of love is a quest, and thus, attaining it is a destination. That sense of wonder and awe when we hear a woman say she loves us the first time and...then what? Happily ever after? Isn't that the end of the line for us and as far as the stories ever go?

While the story doesn't explain what happens next for women either, doesn't the trajectory of it sort of inform the next steps? Per the story, men continue to try and prove love by action, women lack agency and thus responsibility and need not provide effort. When a relationship fails, it's the man's fault. There's a reason the vast majority of divorces are filed by women and I think this speaks to that reason.

This also affects how we express love - the grand gesture, the personal sacrifice, the outward action. Some men break free of this and learn to be real participants in relationships. I would dare say most of us do it to some degree.

But I have a sense that most men have these ideas drilled into their head at some level and it affects how we approach romantic relationships - we can't be loved unless we achieve some heroic ideal.

The real tragedy of that is that the ideal is often unattainable, so we are left in an eternal double-bind. We strive to be the things we cannot and the ultimate result of that failure is isolation and lack of emotional intimacy.

Anyway, what are your thoughts, MR? Do any of you have similar experiences and/or thoughts like this? Do any of you feel like you're in a double-bind compared to the heroic ideal?

Though I welcome any comment, I'd especially like to hear from men who actively pursue intimacy with women and aren't inclined to reject relationships because of this seeming power disparity. I'm hoping to get inside the minds of people that want relationships, but are perhaps blocked by these stereotypes and ideas.