Here I lie with my kids sleep next to me with Santa making a visit a night early (mom gets them for Christmas), but all I can think about is mom. Mom was always the holiday person as I come from a broken family and never really enjoyed the holidays. My STBXW turned the holidays around for me, and of course my kids both under 5 help as well. Now all I can think about is how much I miss spending the holidays with her. The way she lights up just being around anything Christmas. All I want is her to wake up next to us and have Christmas with us. Struggling big time over here, wondering where she is, what she is doing, and why we can't make this work. Normally I can push these thoughts aside, but tonight I don't want to and can't.