21m getting a divorce and need help

Chip512 · 2021-06-09T01:59:26+00:00

You would do well to slow down a bit with your new girl. Get your divorce finished and take some time to heal. Go ahead and have fun if you like but avoid the “I want t stay with you forever!!” talk for a bit.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2021-06-09T03:00:27+00:00

Duuuuuude, you need to slow down being already involved with the next relationship shit. You need to work on yourself. Making yourself happy and not needing a girl to make you happy. What happens when things don’t work out with this girl?

It sounds as if you are not sure exactly what to do, even though your first divorce will be final in six days.

I would suggest not being in a relationship for awhile, first of all. And then this stuff...

Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds strength. And after a few minutes you are just thinking of breathing and hitting and not a whole bunch else.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something.

Stay away from alcohol, do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas and plans then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Don’t feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful (I really think the audiobooks are a good investment. I can take a 4 hour road trip and finish a book):

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do. Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on. This not a sprint, it is more like a marathon, just keep moving forward one foot in front of the other.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out. Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do not repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-06-09T05:35:10+00:00

By jumping into the deep end of the pool, you’re blind to your own vulnerability to predators because of your emotional unreadiness. After divorce, you have more emotional baggage than a 747. Any woman who would overlook that is paying a fortune in extra baggage charges herself.

You have never been more vulnerable than you are today. Predators thrive on desperation, and the stench of rebounding from a long-term relationship makes you an easy target. You are easily manipulated by her affection, while she sees you as an answer to her financial problems.

The story starts with her cute smile, laughing at your jokes, liking the same things you do, and demonstrating compassion for your situation. Most men are so starved for validation post-divorce, they are one blowjob away from clearing out closet space for a woman. The dopamine fix will overwhelm any good sense you have. Once entangled you will tolerate whatever demands she makes of you. After all, you suffered through your marriage for a long time.

What you don’t understand is that women can achieve a level of indifference that’s foreign to most men’s idealistic concept of love.But a woman who will have sex and doesn’t seem crazy must be a keeper! No, it just means your people picker isn’t calibrated properly yet. Your ex was not an anomaly. You ignored red flags and paid the price.

Reevaluate your decision making process. For starters, read Briffault’s Law to realize you didn’t pick her, she picked you. If you don’t recognize the red flag when she tells you “I’m not like other women.”, then you need more time, distance and shielding to process divorce. Statistically, men move on to their next partner too fast. The likelihood of divorce in a second marriage is 67% and 74% for third marriages. And just because you’re familiar with the divorce process, it doesn’t get easier. It’ll be worse next time.

You need time to heal. Divorce messes you up mentally, even if you're the initiator. Before a predator brings you to your knees, figure out who you are. Avoiding propinquity for the first year after divorce allows you to clear the clutter of your marriage and divorce. Psychologically there’s a lot to unpack, especially if your ex was gaslighting you. You need to get comfortable inside your own head before you think about initiating spousal replacement therapy.

Invest one year into yourself for self-discovery, renovation and revitalization. Find things that you've always wanted to do, learn and experience and enjoy those things for a year. Develop your skills and knowledge in these things (rock climbing, playing a musical instrument, billiards, etc) and you'll find yourself making more time for them. If you do that well, you’ll have the foundation for a lifetime of happiness.Then what you'll find is that after this investment in yourself, the women that come into your life won't be competing against other women for your attention. They'll be competing against things that really bring you joy and fulfillment. And it will take a truly exceptional woman to accomplish that.

Signs you are not finished with your post-divorce reconstruction:

You fear being alone.

You seek validation from a partner.

You’re still renting headspace to your ex.

When you no longer need to clutch onto a relationship, and you have your best self to offer, that’s how you know you’re ready. Don’t be surprised to find that you don’t have the time to date once you’ve started enjoying your new found freedom.

sc1617 · 2021-06-09T02:28:07+00:00

So you were with your ex since you were 13? You're all a bunch of kids! Live life and experience some stuff before you get too serious with this new girl.

LandCruiser_ · 2021-06-09T02:32:00+00:00

21 and in the relationship for 8 years? Go have fun dude. Live a bit. Like for the 15 years. Then get a pre-nup. Then let someone spin your head.

sicrm · 2021-06-09T02:06:24+00:00

talk to a lawyer and see what you can file to protect yourself.

also, I hope you got you had a lawyer look over the divorce agreement before signing it.

sohumm · 2021-06-09T05:58:08+00:00

Listen to lawyer.
Don't stress. You didn't want to be with ex. So, do the same in your thoughts and move away from her - physically, mentally.
Work hard for yourself.
FINALLY: DON'T FEEL BAD TO READ THIS: BE CAREFUL WITH THE NEW GIRL. MOVE SLOWLY. (I know I wrote that in capital letters).
You are young, I should not be saying this - Think five times doing anything with a woman. Particularly in getting into relationship. Read this line again.

vector5633 · 2021-06-09T13:14:44+00:00

Dude, sorry for what you're going through. However, your are making a big mistake getting involved with someone else right now.

You need time to get your shit together and yours head straight. Don't get yourself caught in this self destructive loop.

You need to focus on yourself and ONLY yourself. Hit the gym and take care of your health.

plastictoyman · 2021-06-09T14:56:32+00:00

I agree with the suggestions to take time to heal and get yourself in order before jumping back in to the scene. You're pretty young, I know 21 isn't 15 but you still have a lot of parts of you that you still have yet to discover, and sometimes it's hard to know when you're also trying to be in a relationship. I was married at 17 and know this from personal experience.

Document anything abusive your ex continues to do. Behavior of this kind is unacceptable regardless of gender. The stalking and harassing need addressed too. Again, document all proof and evidence so it can be handed over to authorities as needed.

Get counseling. You may not be fully aware of the trauma you're experiencing. If your mind can't process it properly you're more likely to carry anxiety and depression, possibly even PTSD, all of which increase the risk of maladaptive coping mechanisms such as drug/alcohol use, risky behavior, and social atrophy. Back to the point though, you need to heal yourself before. It's best if you do this before another relationship but if you are going to stay in this, your current gal needs to be a partner in your well being. If she isn't or prefers to remain neutral I suggest moving on.

As a side note, I think it's telling that if your experience was gender reversed your story would likely be a Lifetime movie.

thefudmaster · 2021-06-09T18:49:05+00:00

As some others have said, I would slow way down with this new girl. You also should get into therapy to work out any codependency issues, as well as dealing with the trauma that you experienced.

Physical-Pie748 · 2021-06-09T19:00:55+00:00

if you are divorced dont marry the new one. even if she seems to be good right now, it can change fast and it can show her true nature. be careful or your second divorce is on the way

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2021-06-09T20:57:07+00:00

First things first, congrats on getting out of this so early in life!

My therapist told me second marriages fail more often than first ones. He said it's because we repeat the same mistake we did on the first one.

What I found out, through a lot of therapy, is I married a woman with the same mental problems as my mom, and had been dating unstable women my whole life, without even seeing it.

I'd like to think I'll make a better decision next time.

Glad to see you here, please post often. Good luck with all this. It's not fair, but sometimes it's worth thinking about moving to get away from someone behaving erratically.

Title	21m getting a divorce and need help
Author	xXSolar7
Upvotes	9
Comments	17
Date	June 9, 2021 1:40 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/nvk6mg/21m_getting_a_divorce_and_need_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/21m-getting-a-divorce-and-need-help.816800 https://theredarchive.com/post/816800

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