The first, ends with the loss of naivete,

the second, with the loss of innocence

and the third with the loss of life itself.

That's from the Netflix show Dark, if you don't know. Great show.

I lost my naivete when I got married. I stopped thinking I was the center of the universe and it simply clicked that I was a part of something bigger than myself. I wanted more for someone else than myself. I literally felt like a new person that day. As a child, we believe our desires are the most important things in the world. That is naivete.

I lost my innocence when she left. I realized that the world is a filthy, evil place where nothing is permanent. You cannot prevent the world from trying its best to hurt you. I felt something die in me that day. It was my innocence.

I look at myself now and I notice the changes in my personality. I used to be so carefree and bubbly. I loved freedom and creative expression. I felt safe knowing that, no matter what happened, I had a treasure that could never be stolen. We came from nothing and we loved each other, and we'd love each other no matter what we had.

Now, I'm a husk. I look at people with a casual disdain knowing that I will never truly trust them. I see couples and think they're fools for investing their emotional security in another person. I think of falling in love again and realizing I never can because I will never again allow myself to need something that someone else has.

I hate that I've had to build these walls, but I feel safer now with them. Growing up means learning about the monsters we have to keep out, and doing what it takes to survive.