About to go through it all

MR-Ozmidnight · 2024-10-25T23:44:06+00:00

"While you may have to leave later, she wants the divorce, so let her have the responsibility of packing her things and leaving, as well as fighting for custody of your child. If possible, take 50% of the shared of looking after your daughter and document everything. This approach will demonstrate that you can handle the situation and are prepared to do what it takes. It might be that she ends up with the child more often, but this shows the court that you are a full-time dad.

I also recommend reading the following books:
- Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life
- Doing the 180
- Grey Rocking
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

These texts can be beneficial in changing perspectives on divorce and are readily available online.

Try not to interact with her alone, especially if things don't go her way. She may attempt to claim that you assaulted her and could file for an AVO (Apprehended Violence Order) against you. Don’t dismiss this possibility; I know someone who faced 10 to 15 years in prison due to false accusations from an ex. If he hadn’t installed security cameras in his home without her knowledge, he could have ended up in jail. It was so close that the prosecutor even urged him to make a plea deal.

So, please take this warning seriously: divorces can get nasty when one partner doesn’t receive what they expected.

Engaging in exercise and picking up a hobby can help distract you from constant thoughts about the situation.

Remember, you have people who care about you here, and many have been where you are now. Good luck, and strive to be the best dad you can be for your daughter."

Constant-Network1013 · 2024-10-25T20:00:38+00:00

Valuable advice 🫂 🤜🤛

No_Pace2396 · 2024-10-25T19:25:50+00:00

Silver bullet divorce. Google it.

soontobesolo · 2024-10-25T17:59:44+00:00

Right here, brother: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f4yhuc/my_advice_to_those_starting_down_this_path/

Reflog1791 · 2024-10-25T15:45:19+00:00

Gattsama gave you the 411 so read it twice.

I was in your position. I would file for divorce yourself. That is a good first line of defense to many evil divorce games (restraining orders removing you from your house by armed police).

Something pertinent to your situation: it is true that young child likely place primarily with mom. What the lawyers won’t tell you is them growing up is not a reason to eventually transition to 50/50. So you can make this stand on 50/50 parenting time now or live with it.

I navigated it as follows: moved out to apartment, agreed to every other day custody except mom has two midweek days in a row. So I have 3/7 days and every other holiday. In my state CS doesn’t change with parenting time, so I figured great you can earn that cash with extra school day. It has worked spectacularly well for me with one exception: I don’t have a relocation clause in my agreement and that is a risk. I might still win in court if it came to that. She even mentioned the idea to her parents who surprisingly said we will not support that and told me they will do whatever to keep kid right here.

I would not make any sweetheart deals with stbx. My ex moved her boyfriend in 2 weeks after the ink was dry on the divorce. It’s very common to rope you in with “for the children” chatter and then sweep the rug with their real plan.

Play it cool talk to several lawyers don’t make any big mistakes and this too shall pass.

5 years later my life is awesome man hang in there!!

Gattsama · 2024-10-25T15:10:02+00:00

CUT & PASTE

Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free.

Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash / assets the day before or of filing. The date of filing normally locks in debts and assets. Anything new after that is separate (in most states).

Confirm the no fault conditions for your state. Some states have a 1 year mandatory separation prior to final settlement. However, separation is a legal status not a physical state. You can be separated but live in the same house (eg move into the guest room and put a lock on the door). Since you have kids do NOT leave the house without a court approved / ordered parenting plan in place. That can be seen as abandonment.

Divorce has three parts: communal assets / debts, spousal support and child support. Each of these are calculated separately. You can however use the assets/debts to balance out or in lieu of support. You can NOT normally negotiate child support (as in theory this is for the child).

The child has three parts: custody, residency/visitation and support. Understand that you can get 50/50 custody but that is separate from residency. Most people today are aiming for equal residency as well: 7-7 (7days with mom, then 7days with dad) or 5225 (5 days with A, 2 days with B, 2 days with A, 5 days with B). In some states child support is just a formula, Google for your state.

Your retirement accounts are a community asset. Anything earned during the marriage (what you earned before is normally safe) is 50% hers.

If you want to keep your retirement accounts, then what you have to do is an uneven distribution or buy her out. Ex 1 - you have 100k of assets, 50k debt and 60k of investments. You keep the 60k but now owe her 30k; so you either give her 30k more of assets or you take an extra 30k of debt. Ex 2 - you give her $30k of extra spousal support or cash. Same is true if you want to keep the home.

The house has two parts. Title and mortgage. Changing the name on the title is as simple as a few forms and fees at the court house. The mortgage however can not be changed without refinancing. So again 3 choices: refinance loan, assumption loan or sell the house. If you get a new loan she still has to get her half of the equity. Either you buy her out (cash), an unequal distribution, or roll into spousal support. If you sell the house, again it's a 50/50 spilt or the equity can be use in lieu of.. (aside - in my case we have to sell the house, I plan to use my half of the equity in lieu of support. So just give her a huge ass check and have no spousal support after final settlement and we have no kids).

Check if you can legally record conversions in your state. If so buy, a recorder from Amazon. Record everything, can delete at the end of each day if nothing happens. Document everything, not a diary just your life: picked kids from school, did homework, etc. To show you are a good parent.

Contact an attorney, tell them your concerns and review your case (normally first 1hr consult is free). Do not tell her shit until you are prepared. Ask your attorney what temporary orders can be filed to prevent the kids from crossing state lines, visitation, etc. This also varies state to state.

We don't know you or her. IF you think she will be reasonable. Make the plan, have everything on stand by but before pulling the trigger on temp orders, attorneys and escalation; confront her, and see if she is willing to be reasonable and have an uncontested divorce via mediation. Tell her you have filed and there is no repair. I love you and feel horrible. IF she is feeling guilty and workable might not need the temp orders as these pretty much put an end to mediation. IF you know she's crazy, likely to be crazy or takes the news crazy; those orders need to be done at the time of filing or ready to file is things go side ways.

Beside the excel sheet, make a word document with a master timeline is also good to have. Again, you can do this with Google docs and sheets with your new Gmail account. It's not just that you don't want her to see this stuff it's that you want to create a new separate life & systems.

All assets and debts from the time you marry until you file are communal. She opened a credit card in her name, it's got 50k on it. That's half your debt. After you file everything is no longer communal. So right after you file you want your check to be direct deposit to your new account. You can transfer to the joint account as needed to cover bills and expenses. Pay for everything that is you from your account, do not use communal assets. You want to stop co-mingling asap after filing. Again, close all joint accounts just prior to filing. Leave 50% cash in joint checking (aside - my STBX maxed out the joint VISA +$9.5k, took a $7500 cashiers check from the joint checking account, maxed out personal line of credit [zero balance when I filed, now over drawn at +$20k]).

Spousal support alimony varies a lot from state to state. In CA after 10 years there is the possibility of life long alimony!! I'm in WA and that's not on the table until >25 years. Many states have caps on length and amounts, some work to make everything equal. But remember child support is totally separate. Many men can easily find they have to sign over >50% of their net take home. Google for your state and check with attorney.

I can not stress enough that your lawyer can NOT do anything to change the system. They are not your friend or therapist. The only thing you need to discuss is the case. YOU need to read everything you can about the laws in your state, they will not do the heavy lifting for you. If you can do mediation and get it done (even if you have to give up some extra cash) do it! This BS can get really expensive really fast, but you will get the exact same deal at the end anyway. It's more about staying power. A lot guys get crap deals because they give up and quit/settle; or just run of out money to keep fighting.

Good luck out there

Title	About to go through it all
Author	Good_Necessary_6937
Upvotes	7
Comments	6
Date	October 25, 2024 11:43 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1gbs95i/about_to_go_through_it_all/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/about-to-go-through-it-all.1532691 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532691

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