First of all, I am fully aware of how out there this is. I even feel kinda bad about it, i know its kinda wrong in some senses, and I also am aware its not going to heal anything or am I ever going to "win". Just keeps going, and potentially hurts me having a partner in the future if I dont get it under control. Which is part of the reason I felt the need to write it out to people I don't know, anonymously.

So, a bit of backstory first. I was very sheltered growing up, not allowed to have much of a social life. Once I was old enough to do what I wanted I got into a long term relationship almost immediately. After that one ended, I jumped almost immediately into another one. So I never really got to explore whats out there or myself for that matter. By age 31 I had only ever slept with 5 people total. I was always the person with the lower body count in the relationship... sometimes by a lot...

Fast forward to recent divorce after 5 years and I was left kinda low. I didnt do much for about a year and focused on keeping my now crumbling life afloat. Well, eventually I started dating again and this time i said "F it, im gonna have some fun this time". So i hopped on the dating apps, put that i was divorced and exploring whats out there.

It took a couple of lucky encounters at first. Naturally im a very tall (6'5"), dad bod, viking looking dude. Big beard, long hair, etc. But i've always been more of the timid type, afraid of my size and to use it cause people always tell me how "mean" or "scary" I am upfront. I've also never really had a great opinion of myself either, always thought i was average AT BEST, especially after my divorce.

But, naturally as well im a physical person, I love to touch and grab and hold. Usually I chicken out to ever get that far though, but after a string of good encounters with some bold women who were very upfront with what they liked about me, I came to see i have something women want but havent been using it. I had multiple women compare me to their "Smut Books" and how im just like the men in those books. Tall, rough, physical, strong, animalistic, hungry. Especially when I get going.

Ever since I came to understand this and coming into understanding myself aswell and being more comfortable in my skin, as well as also learning to have a bit of a silver tongue. its become an addiction of mine to go out with women of all sorts. 20s or 50s, Thin or Thick, tall or short, black or white, High status or Poor. All completely different from eachother, yet they all end up in the same position that ive become addicted to.

I am ADDICTED to seeing a woman get on her knees in front of me, head and chest to the floor, ass straight in the air, legs spread completely naked, giving herself up to me, begging and waiting for me to take it however I want, waiting for any command I give her. Ive started recording this exact moment(with their knowledge, i show them) and have a collage that ive been getting off to between going out, watching all these different women in this exact moment. Ive increased my body count by more than 10x in a year.

it's become like a game to me now, How fast can I get this woman on her knees giving it up to me, begging for me? And the bad part is, once I get it from them, im usually over them. Not every time, sometimes I hit it off with some better than others and we continue until we end for whatever reason. But, even when im with them, im still going out and getting others. Which has been why some of the good ones ended, because I couldn't give them the attention they needed for giving all my effort to get 2 new people in the bedroom.

So, is this as weird and bad as i think it is? Is it fairly normal? I dont know...like I said, I was never allowed growing up to ever really explore and figure out what normal was.

Should I feel bad? On the one hand, Im not dehumanizing these women. I try to treat them with respect (until the bedroom), I make sure they get off atleast once if not multiple times, and sometimes like I said i get a bit of feelings attached and continue seeing them. But, on the other hand, there definitely is an aspect of treating them as trophies, each one another win.

Ive also never lied to these women about what im after. Ive never told them anything like "youre the only one" or "i can see us together forever" or anything like that. That being said, I do make them feel good with my words, but I never lie there. I tell them how beautiful they are, how they're on my mind so much and cant get them out, etc. All of which is true.

so, on some level, these women also agreed to this, they're all adults and made a decision to come sleep with me, either sooner or later.

So am I wrong for any of this? Is it weird? Do I need to change? Does anyone relate?

TL;DR: Sheltered guy realizes he has rizz and is now addicted to women giving it up.