I've been married to my wife 36f for just over a year now. We eloped in Glacier National Park 5 weeks after meeting each other. We read our vows and sealed the deal by jumping in the lake on a chilly November day, fully dressed. It was the perfect match and we complemented each other very well. She needed someone to be a leader and be extra patient and show her that she is safe. I wanted someone who showed me affection, respected me, and was loyal. It was absolutely amazing, and I'll never forget that feeling, we were twin flames and destined for each other. We never had a single argument or tense situation for about 2 months and then I noticed her pulling away and not as engaged with me. She just claimed it was normal comedown from the intense high we were on, and that made sense.

Fast forward a little and that emotional and physical disconnect continued. She was on her phone more and it was ALWAYS me initiating intimacy. I tried expressing my worries and asking what was wrong, but she wouldn't validate those feelings and blamed me. After she lost her job, that's when her symptoms and behavior became more present. I work from home so having her there all day, with nothing to do was a recipe for disaster. She's always been kinda messy and unorganized but I didn't mind that about her and kinda thought it was cute. But eventually, the house and her car were getting chaotic, so I picked up her slack, but this created resentment. I work full-time and have a side drafting gig, I organize and pay all the bills and now I'm having to do most of the cleaning and nobody cooks. I'm the sole provider for our household, including her 2 kids from a previous marriage. She hasn't worked for 6 months at this point and wasn't doing her share of cleaning and she almost never cooked. When I had to start asking her to do the dishes, cook dinner or pick up her clothes, that's when we developed the dreaded parent/child dynamic.

I quickly realized that if I didn't choose the softest and most careful way to ask her questions or ask her to follow through on something we agreed to, then she would instantly shift to defensiveness and blame me. We went to counseling and decided to have a 5 minute daily morning meeting at 8am, just so we could discuss typical plans, upcoming events, chores, children's activities/school or just chat. After 2 days she started asking if we could do it later because she's wasn't ready yet. After a few more days we stopped all together.

My biggest problem is her lying to me and withholding the truth. She says it's because she doesn't feel safe to tell me. But when I find out the truth, she almost never apologizes she simply defends her actions and doesn't' take accountability.

I love her very much but her complete inability to self-reflect and acknowledge her mistakes is massively weighing on me. It's like if she admits she did something wrong that would cement and amplify any insecurities or shame she has from past trauma. She said I need to go to anger counseling before she will consider getting help. But she won't do anything until she sees change. I don't know what to do.