ok so brief context, july 2022 wife asks for a divorce. i simped and agreed, thought things would still be ok with me seeing the kids if she left UK back to norway with them, agreed to it on paper. 2 days later find out her mother was shit talking me down for 2 years, and shes been cheating online with sexting and pics with other guys for 6 months. ended up suicidal in A & E, tried to get solicitor to take her to court and get a protection order in place for the kids. he wanted 6 grand. didnt have it. tried to get legal aid for free via the GP, he didnt agree that i qualified for it. so, just decided to let go, drove them to gatwick in december 1 day after my daughters birthday, said goodbye, gave the ex a hug, that was that.

while separated in the last half of that year, i got a HGV licence class 1 arctics. im still doing that. ive been doing that, tramping every single week non stop ever since. its now becoming my only way of coping. if i have a weekend i literally do nothing, i just sit in my parents dinning room, with all my bags on the floor with my clothes just as if i had left the airport and lost my family 2 years ago. if im in the truck im fine, im happy, i have no resentment or hate for what happened anymore, and i speak to my kids on the phone and can go see them in norway whenever i want... but if im not driving the truck, im all depressed and suicidal and want to end my life.

every weekend is murder for me. i cant face going outside, i have no friends, all i do is jerk off to porn and watch tv shows. i have lost interest in all my old hobbies, the only one that sticks is just listening to music because thats basically bed rotting like i do now except sat in a chair.

i feel like im done. my life ended when the ex and the kids left and now all of this is just borrowed time. i cant get myself out of this rut of wanting to do other things and experience life itself but i dont, i just sit inside and do fuck all, unless i have work, then i go out and do my job all week on the road for 5-6 days and nights, and then go back to my parents house for 2-3 nights.

i dont know how to get out of this mindset. ive even been overdosing my meds without telling the GP, i mean fuck it maybe one day ill down the entire box but i dont feel like that now, i just want to make money and hopefully get a house for myself again... but even if i did that, what would change? id still be a bachelor, coming up to age 40, alone, divorced, dont see my kids that much, and a truck driver so always away... what woman in her right mind would even bother with that level of bullshit?