So background first: my recently separated STBXW and I spent a few months getting separated due to her doing the classic, “I need space, I don’t have freedom, you are controlling” sudden flip, only for me to find out the freedom I was limiting was her ability to sext guys online. I filed separation paperwork due to discovering this, while I had previously been trying to “fix” whatever was wrong with the marriage in her eyes. We are now living separately, and have a custody agreement for our two young children (3 and 5) that stipulates no speaking ill of the other parent. We are split 50:50 with a 2:2:3 schedule.

I have been keeping to this agreement. My answers to all the “why don’t you live with mommy anymore, why are you not married, etc” questions have been “sometimes mommies and daddies just can’t fix a problem, baby” or “we just couldn’t live together anymore.”

On the other hand, they have repeatedly said “mommy said you didn’t want to be her husband anymore. Why don’t you wanna be mommy’s husband anymore?” And “mommy says you didn’t want to live at the old house with us anymore.” I have also heard rumors (nothing solid) that she is implying heavily to mutual acquaintances that the divorce was basically all me just abandoning or leaving, even though she tells others it was her idea since I was too controlling, depending on the audience.

These aren’t specifically speaking ill of me, but it does seem to paint a picture that it was all my idea or doing to the children. They are too young to just show them the screenshots, and while I hold absolutely no more desire to keep my ex’s image squeaky clean, I don’t want to mess up my kids or break the agreement by “firing back” with things disparaging mom. Even the truth seems both too mature and too disparaging.

People who have had a situation like this, especially those with kids who are older now and went through this process when the kids were younger, what did you do? I’m open to both “do” and “do not” lessons learned.

TL;DR: My STBXW’s online cheating led to our separation, but she’s telling our young kids things like “Daddy didn’t want to be Mommy’s husband anymore” and “Daddy didn’t want to live with us anymore,” making it sound like I chose to leave. We have a 50/50 custody agreement with a no-disparagement clause. Is this the start of parental alienation, and how should I handle it?