Carrying On

Objective-Motor2419 · 2023-08-18T00:39:49+00:00

This post resonated a lot with me. I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. If it’s the smallest amount of help, I want you to know your post helped me realize I dodged a bullet. Broke up with my fiancé right before our wedding because the mask finally came down and she showed she was just in it for “what I provided too” and surprisingly didn’t love me despite saying so all the time. I make 5-8 times what she does, but I didn’t think she was in it for the money because was never a big shopper. I was with her for over 4 years, we lived together, had laughter, love, vacations, took care of each other when severely sick with Covid etc. Then similar to your story she just felt like that flipped a switch when I stood firm on a prenup. I own a business and it was a generous prenup by the end but each revision was a huge argument. Long story short, when she realized I wasn’t going to budge on the prenup she secretly recorded me (saying she was analyzing whether I was being manipulative but I wonder if she was trying to trick me to a common law marriage), she sent my finances to her family, and most common to your story I came home one day close to our wedding date and all the stuff was taken out and moved to a storage. Mind you, she never once had any kind of these reactions for over 4 years yet a few months leading up to the wedding and not budging on the prenup she did all of these outrageous actions within 2 months. I know I made the right decision breaking up, but the worse of it is I have major trust issues now with dating women since she was so manipulative, into money without showing it for years, same as you super kind for years and then stone cold during the break up phase. Not sure how to move on and date or marry one day as I did want to have kids/that happy family life. Anyway, remember you do have beautiful children to live for and they need their father even after they’re 18. Wishing you all the best. Stay strong for your kids, the real joy of you life- not that manipulative fake mask wearing ex wife.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2023-08-18T01:39:35+00:00

Even so, I just don't know how to stop hurting, how to stop ruminating over the what-ifs, the what-could-have-beens, and my failures during the marriage.

You need to go through this pain in order to move on, don't try to stop it. Its no different than grieving the death of a loved one. If you don't, you won't let go, it will never be in the past. Grief is your mind's method of putting it in the past, allow the process to take place. Don't do anything stupid, don't drink, don't do drugs, hit the gym, do therapy, journal. You will come out of this and look back wondering what you ever saw in her. But it will take a year or two.

By the way, her living her best life is like a drug addict who is euphoric on bonding hormones. Every soon-to-be-divorced woman does this and the result is the exact same. Bonding hormones start to wane after about 2 years. She went back to her high school boyfriend, think about that. When she gets bored of him she will go back to you. Its a tale as old as time. I hope you have enough sense not to take her back when it happens. And it WILL happen.

out-the_door · 2023-08-18T13:30:53+00:00

To start, I'll say that at 46 you still have some healthy years ahead, so be thankful for your health. Sounds like your career is doing well, another plus. I met my wife at 40, married her at 42, so don't cut yourself short just yet. You may just meet someone that takes the current pain away, who knows.

Faced with divorce after a 20-yr marriage, I had to self-evaluate. Mainly because I was blaming myself way too much. I'm not that bad of a person, but she made me feel like I was the worst husband on planet Earth. Not true. Far from it.

Okay, as men, maybe we think like this: We're working hard, we think that getting our asses out of bed in the morning, being a good provider, coming home at night, being a good father, helping out and showing an interest in the kids, taking a vacation, is the definition of a good husband.

And I think those are very enviable qualities, the epitome of what I would call "working-class heroes". For some women, that's not enough.

I can't tell you exactly when, or why, my wife decided to end it. She created her own narrative, her own view of things. Doesn't matter. She chose to end it.

Conclude with this: find yourself. Somewhere inside you still lives the 10-yr old kid, before life, or any of it's crap, ever happened. I wish you the best.

berniefl44 · 2023-08-17T21:57:46+00:00

Trust me women will try and turn your kids against you. That’s their vindictive and revenge side. They strive for it . They do if to fun .

Gattsama · 2023-08-18T12:30:38+00:00

You are hurting because from your POV all this happened quickly, out of the blue and without cause. BUT from her POV she has been researching, planning and coming to terms with this for months; likely years. You just took a shotgun to the chest! This isn't a flesh wound that a 5 step program is going to make better. This is a ruptured organs, major surgery and extensive rehab just to walk again; let alone run.

However, you did survive, you will heal, and someday you will conquer. But before that you will suffer. You will suffer more in the near future, because the fight for the kids, the fight over money, and all the horrible things she's going to say and do.

I didn't have kids, but what helped me was accepting that this is the new reality. There are five stages of grief, and the end goal is acceptance and indifference. I will get there someday, I have no idea when, but it will occur. I thought back to every struggle I've had in life, and I got through them all. Looking back, I felt horrible going through it, but now on the other side I see I grew as a person. The divorce is no different.

The life you knew is dead. The shot gun to the chest took it out. You need to mourn the lost of that life. You are hurting because you thought that life was you. But you are more, a hell of a lot more, than just a husband. You need to create a new identity based on the reality you are now in.

This is why guys here often talk about hitting the gym. It's not just about being physically fit and the mood stabilization. It's also about introducing discipline and control into your life. It's part of the rehab process.

What also helped me was that even thought everyone's story is different, millions have come before me and made it to the other side. If it's possible for them, then it's possible for me.

I also studied a lot of stoic philosophy. Everyday I spend a least 1hr (often more) studying stoicism, women, marriage, why I chose the eX and why I chose to stay, planning my next evolution, etc. I worked on accepting the role I played in the marriage, what is and is not under my control, and then slowly creating the new life I want.

Also for the record she is most likely NOT living her best life. She's just living a new life, more likely then not time will show that it's not her best life. The what ifs and could have are you thinking you have control over something that you do not. You can only control your own thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions. Nothing else. You do NOT need to let go, or even stop loving her. You do need to accept that the relationship is dead. And you need to accept there's nothing you can do to change that. So focus on what is under your control, your new life. Sorry for the pain and drama brother. You will get through this 💪

Title	Carrying On
Author	HurtingUnit45
Upvotes	15
Comments	13
Date	August 17, 2023 9:16 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/15u01sc/carrying_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/carrying-on.1228808 https://theredarchive.com/post/1228808

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