It's been 2 months since we separated. I have to be around her to supervise visitation of our kids due to her history of abuse for the time being.

If it were up to me right now I would go no contact, but I can't because unfortunately I chose her as my kids mom, and she flipped a switch after they were born.

Over the divorce process I felt mostly depression and guilt. But after I've realized she's intentionally hurting me, now I feel mostly anger.

Ever since we were separated she has made every effort to hurt me on every level possible, I guess she gets a rise out of hurting me.

It amazes me but she has hit every nerve possible, I'm only recently coming to terms with the fact it's intentional.

Here's a list of my fears/insecurities while we were married, then we'll go over how she's hit every one of them.

  1. I had trust issues because I was raised by a compulsive liar narcissist. I would believe my wife to a naïve extent, always giving her the benefit of the doubt and making excuses when she did break promises, but her intentionally betraying my trust was a huge fear of mine.
  2. She was very close with a married couple, they were both her friends. I was also close friends with them and trusted them. They were so close I always worried something was going on, but again I gave benefit of the doubt. She always insisted they were just like family, like brother and sister to her. I always feared she was cheating with them.
  3. I'm a traditional person and always wanted a traditional family for my son. I worked my ass off to build that for him and I thought she had the same goal in mind. My kid growing up in a dysfunctional or toxic family dynamic was a big fear of mine.

Other than those, I was very confident and felt in control of my life and was very happy with our relationship.

Well, here's what's happened post-separation.

She admitted she had been smoking and lying about it for a year, even going so far as to gaslight me about it on dozens of occasions. When I would smell it she would say "Oh it must be the neighbors chimney". I would find cigarettes and she would say "Those are my friends she left them I'm taking them back to her." She also kept me from viewing bank records for a year so I wouldn't see the transactions, she would always say "The bank messed it up so we can't view it". She knows I have trust issues yet she gaslit me for a year over something so minuscule.

She moved in with the married couple, flaunted how they were going on adventures every day and pampering her to a disgusting extent. Then, last week, she kisses the wife during drop off for visitation confirming my worst fears. She just smiled at me and said "So how do you feel? We figured we'd go ahead and rip off the bandaid. We're together now." After only 2 months. This not only confirms my suspicions were correct (always trust your gut) during our marriage, but now she is in a poly relationship with my trusted "friends" and my son is going to know it when he gets old enough to understand. I am infuriated that she could do this.

She's done the worst possible things to hurt me since our separation. I've always been a very emotionally controlled person, never getting to angry or sad. But since the separation she has hit me in every possible way to hurt and humiliate me. I'm constantly having to remind myself that it's best to just act like I don't care about it. Living a good life is the best revenge, but when I think about them together or even being around her my anger is insane. I have to constantly talk myself down. It's like, a normal person can be pushed a lot and keep it together, but how much pushing will put you over the edge? Everyone has their limit, I feel like mine has been crossed 3x over and I'm fighting to keep myself sane.