Title basically.

Son is 2 and I’ve feel like I’ve failed him. I can’t stay in this marriage just for him. I wish I could but I’m simply not strong enough. I’m not happy, and going to therapy and on medication as well. My son being the only thing in this world saving my life everyday because oh boy if he wasn’t then idk if I’d be here.

I’m a stay at home dad because I’m VA disability allows me to be. It was great at first. I love all the extra time I’ve gotten to spend with my son the past two years. I feel blessed in that regard. When I started staying home with him I had just separated from the military, and childcare in our area hadn’t recovered to a pre-COVID state. Now we’ve moved and he has started daycare. I’m looking for work, and so far just interviews with no offers.

I started door dashing to supplement our income while she is at work and the kiddo is at daycare. I have the aspiration of working a “real” job that has career progression and something to look forward to. Something rewarding, or at least more rewarding than doordash. She however says she wouldn’t be happy if I got a job because it’s convenient that if our son were to fall sick that I could simply just stay at home with him. Yes, this is convenient I’m not gonna lie. However, she works a job where telework is an option on most days. I want some sort of financial independence that she seems to not understand. I want my own money that she doesn’t just blow on every new TikTok trend or Amazon purchase. I want to buy my own car as we only have one we share right now. I can afford a car, with payments not outright, but the bank won’t lend me any money due to just having my disability pay every month. I fee stuck.

Even more so she trapped me into buying a house when things were starting to look up and then went back to her old self.

She complains about me constantly, tells me she hates stuff about me, tells me I am too deep all the time because I only want to fix our relationship. Tells me at least once a week that she thinks we should separate or divorce. Recently chatted with her divorced friend about potentially getting a divorce.

It feels like I’m just biding my time, so I’m trying to get my ducks in a row now.

It’s not all her fault. I have faults too I know. Trauma hit hard during her pregnancy with the passing of her mom which still affects life today. She resents me for not being more supportive once our son was born. She wanted time to grieve and I wanted a partner and my sons mother. I dropped the ball, but I was drowning in taking care of our son, pretty much alone, for close to a year before she started being more interested in being a mom. This caused fights constantly and I feel bad for the way I acted.

Honestly there is so much more that o want to vent about, but I feel like I’m rambling. I don’t have any irl friends near us since we move for the military, so here I am on Reddit.

I know I sound like a SAHM on one of the other subreddits, but I’m just not sure what to do anymore. I love my wife, but with the constant fighting I just don’t think I can stand being here any longer.

I can’t stand the thought of having to see my son 50% less. He’s the reason I’m still here, and the reason I wake up everyday. His smile gets me through those tough days, and I love him so much.

I’m sorry for the rant. I’m looking down the barrel of divorce and just not sure what else to do. Thank you.