After months, and recently weeks of struggling and hell, I finally understand what it means to have self worth. To those who reached out before, thank you. And I'm sorry for not seeing it sooner.

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My wife thinks she ended things, but yesterday I pulled off the bandaid and told her every nasty thing I felt about her and it felt amazing. It started to take away the disgusting things she did with the neighbor (who I still will make sure I ruin his life at some point. Revenge is best served cold).

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No more manipulation, no more lies, no more boring and meaningless sex, no more stress over what she's doing. I'm going NC as many here have said is the best step. Only communicating over the kids or business/divorce related issues.

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She never cared about me, just herself. The woman I married over 10 years ago was not "trapped" in her mind, she died. The alcoholism and selfishness consumed her and I was left with this disgusting shell of a human. The final straw for me? I fucked her a couple of days ago. I did it for a few reasons. To see if I could still do it in general, and to scratch an itch. When it was over I went to bed and felt miserable, like very, very gross. It was not good sex, with barely any sensation. One of my friends said "be careful you don't let sex cloud your judgement" and in my case it opened my mind. The next day I tried to fight it and work on the marriage...bought her flowers, told her I cared. But something didn't feel right, so I wrote her this long heartfelt email asking her for answers. It was met with "I don't know" (her favorite phrase). And that was it...I won't be with this fucked up gross human being any longer. I HAVE self worth unlike her. I can show my kids that. I DO know what a want.

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She will be a broke, single mom struggling to keep her neighborhood whom she's fucked over socially in check, and struggling to keep that house I'm leaving her. I'll do what I can to make sure she is stable enough for my kids but she won't get a dime of alimony from me and my hard earned cash. No judge will think what she did warrants me giving up my cash anyways outside of the generous child support I plan to give. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she started drinking again or doing other drugs to numb herself further, because that's all she knows how to do. It's sickening and I wish my kids had a better mom a lot of the time. But she is no longer my problem. My one worry is that she'd do something stupid like kill herself or take the kids with her. I think there's a big chance she would off herself she's said it in the past, but ultimately I remember she's too afraid to die. Tough call on that one.

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This is a success story. It obviously doesn't feel good and I'm in a lot of pain despite also being very manic. I still grieve over the loss of my wife and what she used to be. But I'm no longer attached to this idea that she is a good person, because she is not a good person. Not one person actually liked her other than me and her family, and even some of them told me that they think what she did was absolutely terrible and I didn't deserve it. Pretty fucking sad I was the only person who truly loved her, and now I'm giving up her too.