Post-separation, I went through a process of grief, self-discovery, and re-invention that involved 3 therapists, redpilling, deep dives down the rabbit hole of the manosphere, moving twice, and taking a new job in a new state away from my kids. I am now in the re-building phase with the tsunami of divorce destruction past, triage staff gone home, and waters receded.

I believe the silver lining of divorce boiled down to one word is: freedom.

But how as men and fathers do we understand freedom? The freedom to self-destruct is, on the other hand, the freedom to self-develop. Assuming, nobody wants to intentionally self-destruct (it can be easy and fun to do) how do we further harness freedom through self-responsibility to become the best versions of ourselves? What possibilities and outcomes will manifest as a result? What skills must be improved and what habits put into practice to get there? These are questions I continue to ask myself as I focus on re-inventing myself as a man in the wake of divorce.

I don’t have all the answers, but so far, understanding freedom through the framework of three pillars (the freedom pillars if you will), have been transformative in my path towards reaching my potential and I offer up for discussion.

1.) The Freedom to Love Yourself: This comes as a natural first step after the grief and self-blame that occurs after separation. It is also the main defense mechanism to regulate and heal cycles of self-destruction. We need to love ourselves in spite of our failures and imperfections. Repeat in the mirror aloud and in your head to yourself 20x/day: “you are enough. You are doing your best. You are the shit. I love you.”

We need to put ourselves first. Do you put others before yourself? Did you do that in your marriage? Now that you think about it, have you done it your entire life because that is what your parents taught you to do? Has that all now shifted on to your kids and you are sacrificing everything for them? You are an amazing dad, but you are not loving yourself. When is the last time you were selfish and got a massage, went on vacation, bought a new wardrobe, bought a new toy, treated yourself to a nice meal? Are you selfish enough to become obsessed with the gym? To prioritize your health and skin care? To spend time on hobbies and personal initiatives to improve your life? Many of us are recovering serial pleasers, and don’t know how to be selfish enough to love ourselves enough. And if you really want to be present for your kids, and be able to love anyone fully you have to love yourself first.

2.) The Freedom to Build relationships: social intelligence is essential to building a network of getting what we want in life both in romantic, platonic, and financial areas. During marriage, I had lost old friends and had trouble making new ones. After separation, I had to figure out dating and “game.” Men need friends, a tribe to lead/be part of, and a woman’s companion. All 3 of those require a bit different social skills to be successful at. Meeting women has been a big focus of mine. Learning the skill to attract women has resulted in the freedom of being able to go out in the world and acquire sexual partners (or girlfriends if that’s what you want but I don’t). The ability to generate sexual currency is probably one of the most fulfilling skills a man can have. Also the ability to create good relationships in personal life and business is key to success and leads into the following pillar.

3.) The Freedom to Make Money: Men build empires. What empire are you building? How are you generating financial wealth in your life to benefit your lifestyle and the lifestyle of your loved ones? I have a really good paying six figure salary slave job that I landed through pillar #2 but it is not enough. There are too many problems that need to be solved out there and opportunity. I am writing business plans, learning to trade stocks, and spending a large part of my time focusing on how do build enough wealth to achieve material freedom. The ability to go out in the world and generate financial currency is the other great skill man needs to truly be free. This is one pillar for me that could use the most improvement and I have focused the least on. I lost a ton of financial wealth during the divorce like alot of dudes.

Finally, I will close this with having an abundance mindset when approaching these three pillars. You are a man moving around in the world with one life to live. There are plenty of woman and opportunities out there. Go get them.