very brief back story:

married 14 years. My name is on our house, and i have been the sole income provider for the majority of our time in the house. like 11 of the 12 years, as she lost her job shortly after we bought our house. We have 3 kids together, and the agreement was she would stay home and take care of them and i'd work, that way our kids would be raised by her and not some indifferent day care provider. Well one major drinking problem later (mine), our relationship has crumbled. we had a major loss of trust incident about 4 months ago where i got black out drunk before she was to leave me with the kids for the evening to help with her brothers wedding planning, resulting in her taking the kids with her and telling me we were through. Never any cheating or beating in our house, just me drinking, and us fighting about it, or me lying about it.

I've been sober for 4 months, in AA, Therapy, staying healthy, positive and trying to be as present in the home as possible. taking on more household chores from my wife, being more present in day to day life with the kids, etc. My wife is still stuck in the mode of "i'm the big bad drunk who can't be trusted". I've had conversations with her where i ask if there is a chance she will forgive me and we can move on and try and repair our marriage, and i'm only met with "i don't knows".

I only make 40k a year, and she only works a day or 2 a week at my mothers small business, and thats under the table. A divorce would devastate us both financially, but the emotional strain of living under the same roof with someone who is no longer emotionally vested in me, and essentially gatekeeping the relationship is too much to bear. I fear it will be a threat to my sobriety and push me back into isolation and all the vices that come with that. My kids are starting to really become aware of what is going on, and its giving them anxiety. I feel like i am being taken advantage of. She wants to enjoy the standard of living and financial security of having a worker bee husband, but not give me the opportunity to fix things or give me any emotional support. She wants me gone, but she doesn't want to face the facts that it will really suck for a while for her. she'd have to get a job, find a place to live, etc. So i feel like i'm being strung along, until she is comfortable enough to leave, which will probably be never because she has nothing. She has racked up 6k in cc debt under her name, under the pretense of me not making enough money, but her spending isn't exactly scrutinized. if i were to say anything or go through her cc statements, she'll reference me spending money we didn't have on booze or weed in the past.

Should i just bite the bullet and file anyway, and get this whole thing over with and in the past, so i can move on? I've already mentally prepared myself for being broke in a small, shitty apartment, with my kids a few days a week, and i'm the type of person who really doesn't need much stuff. i have a laptop, a few nice guitars, some books, some clothes, a beat up jeep, and thats all i need. I just don't want to get pushed back into isolation in my own home while working my ass off to provide for said home.