I feel like I’m still here holding our lives, holding the fort and it, waiting for her to come back. I don’t feel like I’m moving forward, just surviving until then. Fixing myself, fixing “our” money, fixing the house, it doesn’t feel like doing it for myself or for my future. Days with my kid are great, but also a reminder of what we used to have.

I invested so much to build a life for her, for us, and now I can give it, provide it, and she’s not here. Invested so much, could have spent more time with the family. I thought I had all my life, so what is a few months when I have to go hard? I’m alone. I don’t go to places we used to go, and when I do, all I can think about is “oh, she would like this”. My routine, our my home (her office is still empty), my life is empty.

I know it’s not okay to be like this. I know I need to get better. I just don’t see it happening, and I know it’s on me to push and move, and I know many men have gone through this, but I don’t get how? How did she? How do you move on from so much? There’s a part that feels like it’s not real. Like I said, I’m holding down the fort for when she’s back. “Love is not enough” is what she said. Then what the fuck is?

We see each other, go to kids’ things, and don’t talk. And that’s my decision. At least I’m the only one that said it outright. “I don’t want to know about your life”, I said. And I don’t. I’m fucking scared, scared to hear the thing I don’t want to hear. And there are those moments that feel like us, moments that feel like it’s right there. One of us needs to push the fucking button. I can’t be him, not anymore. I’m not begging anymore. That’s not something I can control. I feel so powerless.

I’m tired. Finally looking into therapy, thought “ignoring my feelings and going day-by-day” would be enough, that shit doesn’t work when you still have to see them and talk to them. I don’t get to fully grieve. I can’t talk but just about one thing, that’s it. They’re not dead, we are. And I don’t know how to grieve that.