I'm just going to have my fingers type. I have no idea where this will go. Not even sure if anybody will read it, and that's ok. Maybe this will be cathartic for me and it will be enough.

Even though this is the divorce page, I feel like some of you may have similar experiences. I've been in an off again, on again relationship for 18 years. We have a beautiful 7yo daughter together. Now, all of this will be coming from my perspective obviously. I'm sure it would be a different story coming from her. I'm no saint, but I've really really really given it my all to make it work. Our whole relationship, I feel like she's kept me at an arms length from her while I'm trying and trying and trying to make it work. The first 7 years of our relationship, she was the one that would break things off. I broke things off one time, but we got back together again 6 months later. We've never lived together, but the idea was we would eventually. During this time, it was always a struggle to be in a close knit relationship. After a while, it just felt normal to me. The past 5 years though, she has been so angry with me. By no choice of mine she's the primary parent to our daughter, and I know how much work that is for her. I know resentment set in even though that was the decision made. I think a lot of her anger also had to do with my anxiety and depression and her not knowing how to handle things when I get a certain way. That anger would give me even more anxiety which in turn frustrates her more. I've felt like a coward when these moments happen. Frantically thinking my world is over and wanting to do anything to make it right. Granted, I've been starting to really understand a lot about my makeup and how anxiety affects me. I'm also on meds which has helped quite a bit. That being said, things escalated and we had some huge blowouts over last summer leading up to her 50th birthday. These blowouts would always stem from her feeling I never give her any support. The problem is, she does things without telling me and then gets angry that I didn't know. I would always try and figure out a way to make things better for her, but whatever I said or did wasn't good enough and seemed to make things worse. These blowouts would always reach the point where she would say she's done. The next day would always be her saying that "I'm done meant I'm done feeling this way". She would always want to keep working so we can end up together. But then we would try to move forward, and then we'd have another huge blowout. This happened so many times, over a few months and each time, my outlook on us being together began to close. I just became numb. After her 50th she really was hit hard by feeling lonely. She said she doesn't want to feel lonely anymore and wants us to either figure it out to be together, or walk away. More and more, her tune has changed and she's doing her best not to get angry, be more communicative, and sweet. I've still been numb and indifferent. I felt nothing and mind you, we haven't been intimate in 5 years. At this point, I don't want any intimacy with her.

With this new outlook she has, she's explained a few things to me. Her saying she's done was her way of trying to get a reaction out of me. She said she never meant it. By her observation, there was no reaction, but I beg to differ. I freaked out and said that's not what I want. She also admitted that there's no way for me to know and understand the things that make her mad if she doesn't communicate with me. She's also now expressing what feels to be a push by saying things like "we've never both jumped in at the same time", "other people have been through worse", and "we just need to be more loving to each other". For me, it's like where has all of this been before? Why are you saying this now? I'm definitely still numb to everything and feel like I don't think we can make each other happy. There's nothing within our past that indicates this time will be different. My trouble is that I do love her. I will always love her. She has been who I thought my life partner would be for 18 years. I also have an immense amount of guilt that my daughter won't be able to see what two loving parents are. I know kids have made it through this, but she's starting to ask questions like why we aren't married.

And why not add more complexity to it...during the past few years, I've been talking to woman online. I've met up with a few and had brief interactions. Nothing serious. It's been a really lonely time, and after not being with anyone for 3 years, I needed that attention. However, I've been talking to someone the past few months who I have strong feelings for and could have real potential.

So, if you made it this far through such a longwinded post, I thank you. I am very conflicted on if I should end any potential of being with my daughter's mom. I will always have feelings for her, but we've been through so much. I guess I'm scared of ending it. It makes it so much harder she is singing a different tune. Her whole demeanor has changed and I see her really trying. I don't want to be the reason that we could not be a family unit, but I'm not at all sure her and I could be happy together.

How did you know when to end it? How did you do it?