How do I process that I have moved on when all I feel is pain?

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2022-12-29T09:47:50+00:00

All the fights and arguments that lead to us divorcing keep us focused on the negatives and after comes the divorce and then we focus on the divorce to get it over with. After the divorce is final and we no longer have to deal with it we reflect and seem to forget those bad feelings that got us divorced. You will feel bad sometimes now but you have to find something else to focus on in oder to move forward. A lot of people start dating or pick up a ton of hobbies to keep busy. Cut contact directly or indirectly don't visit places that you used to go avoid doing the same things that you did with her and with time that pain will become less and less

Gattsama · 2022-12-29T13:30:04+00:00

For me the goal has been not to avoid the pain, fear or sorrow; but ti embrace it. When I would feel thus crushing wave if guilt or anxiety building. I would stop, let it wash over me. I would ask why do I feel this way, us this feeling real, what does it mean, how do you want to handle this, etc.

I would let it wash over me, then wash off me. Sometimes that meant crying, sometimes going for a run, sometimes calling a friend, sometimes just working it out mentally and carrying on.

I didn't journal (directly) but I made lists and notes of the BS in the relationship, and I would visit it when my brain was out of balance. For eg I would feel guilty for abandoning her, ask who's going to take care of her and worried about her future. So I would listen to audio records of her just belittling me or read my notes to remind of a time she completely freaked out and was screaming / attacking for no reason, or her gaslighting BS, etc.

I also vent. I tall to myself, I post to this group, I write out long answers to post (many I delete, it's the exercise of writing it all out), etc.

I'm stoic, stoic doesn't mean you don't feel, it means you accept that the only thing you can control is yourself; including your own feelings. Here's a link to get started:

https://youtu.be/DVyt8kvORXs

I have always embraced struggle and challenges, but found David Goggins a few years ago and really dailed that up a couple of notches.

https://youtu.be/78I9dTB9vqM

Think about the life you want to live, and then take steps towards creating that. You want to vlbe physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit and financially fit. Physical can be home calisthenics, gym, martial arts, etc. But also eating right. I was always fairly active, but during the separation I really dialed it up and was more regular. Got a door frame pull up bar and was running short distances daily. Lost 3" from my waist, took in a notch on the belt and had to by new pants so they weren't falling off me lol.

And again need people to provide support and reassurance. I got back in touch with some family, and started opening up to my best friend. Just as important is cutting certain people from your life. People that attack, insult, dimiss or do not support you need to be cut, immediately. No explanation or closure, just go no contact. They will place unnecessary hurdles in the path of your healing and growth, and they are NOT your friends. Don't care if you've know them for 10 years; if they can't support you now they are not your friend, they are toxic and you can not interact with them when you are on this journey. IF choose, check in with them after you are good.

Anyway, this helped me. We are all different. You got this, I sounds cliche but you will get better with time. Literally millions of men have come before you and made it to the other side, and so will you. Please lean on the men that have come before you; we are happy you support you 💪👊

AttemptScary4550 · 2022-12-30T03:22:03+00:00

That's a very difficult question to answer. To me the pain means you haven't moved on from the loss. Your former spouse is dead. There is a new person in their place that wants something different from what you had. Mourn that loss. IT HURTS. Process that and move on. There is a life you need to enjoy. Here I am saying this when I still often feel the pain you mention. One day it will be history and that can still hurt a little. Remember there were many good things with that person before they died.

GodOfAngeles · 2022-12-29T12:43:20+00:00

I agree but my ex is pursuing on multiple different courts for last 12 years even after divorce is finalized in usa

fewdo · 2022-12-29T13:30:50+00:00

I'd need more deets but if it still hurts all the time, you haven't moved on

Title	How do I process that I have moved on when all I feel is pain?
Author	GigaChadwafer
Upvotes	4
Comments	6
Date	December 29, 2022 9:30 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/zy16vd/how_do_i_process_that_i_have_moved_on_when_all_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-i-process-that-i-have-moved-on-when-all-i.1213304 https://theredarchive.com/post/1213304

Comments